anniversary of my fear
do anniversaries of your trauma make you spiral? I knew it was coming up but subconsciously I wasnt thinking about it..my blood pressure has been slowly rising for the past week. today is was higher. 7 years ago I started feeling my symptoms of postpartum preeclampsia. it was scary and traumatic, being a new mom and being in the ICU 4 days after having a baby. fighting postpartum preeclampsia the 4 days before that. so today, i finally gave in and took a low dosage of blood pressure medication. but my mind keeps telling me :
its only a matter of time
damage has been done
and no one can help you.
I'm exhausted from feeling like I have to survive my thoughts and the physical symptoms it causes almost every single day.
I'm afraid of everything, and angry that I can't heal.
yesterday and today
yesterday I was anxious that my heart rate was too low.
I was sitting on the couch having a lazy day and it was 58 BPM never rose over 107.
I kept thinking something was wrong.
wasn't I trying to lower my heart rate for months now?
and I did it....but now a new worry appears.
today my heart rate is barely in the low 80s at resting. sitting down coloring with my daughter is was 92.
I've been anxious all day, it was busy at work. the plumbing in the bathroom is leaking through the wall a bit and I can't get a hold of our manager. my brain keeps saying Im sick.
almost 7 years ago I had postpartum preeclampsia. it's rare, maybe 600 women a year get it. When I first had it I could barely find any info on it, now if I google it there is more.
In a week it will be 7 years that I suffered for 4 days and doctors sending me home each time I went for help. unknowingly fighting for my life, my brain has since told me it's only a matter of time until the damage it caused catches up with me. doctors say I am fine, but that's what they said before and I almost died.
how can I heal when I can barely trust their assurance?
This must be why I feel this way.
I think I triggered it last night.
I was reading articles last night and found a story about a woman in 2015 who had a similar experience, but she actually went through a stroke, and didn't survive. she didnt get to know her baby, doctors sent her home. she went to them more than once for help probably pleading each time like I was.
I feel sick to my stomach, ashamed that I am damaged and scared everyday. because I have had 7 years with my child, and she didn't even have a month. I feel like I should be more positive about this second chance, but I live in fear. today is one of the days where it has gotten the best of me.
#PanicAttacks #PTSD #Anxiety
I'm new on The Mighty. I've read many articles before deciding I should just make an account. I haven't seen much yet. I'm struggling with many mental and physical illnesses. I've been physically disabled since I was 9 years old. I developed a bone disease and after 6+ Surgeries just on my left hip, it was ultimately ruined and needed to be replaced. 2010 at 18, I had a total hip replacement. I don't remember a lot of my teen years and childhood, I just know I had multiple surgeries and a ton of physical therapy. My mother passed at 39 in 2013. I signed up for disability and was denied all the way through court. In 2014 I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, PTSD, Adjustment Disorder, Myofascial Syndrome, Lupus, Pre-Diabetes, Inflammatory Arthritis, and Bilateral ddeafness. I tried to work and was heavily medicated. I decided to try and get pregnant. My husband and I were doing well. I ended up doing CSection due to Preeclampsia. My baby girl is healthy and happy. I got very lucky. I started working again. Doing alright. Then my health started declining fast. My doctor advised me to quit and sign up for disability again. We lost everything. Literally. Our car, home, dignity. You name it. I felt so much guilt and I still do. I still haven't heard about disability. I was diagnosed with PCOS. I had my appendix taken out. I had a colonoscopy and was diagnosed with Ulcers Colitis. Every day has been a struggle. We're staying with my Mother-in-law and its making my health decline more. I'm on so many meds I can't keep up. My calendar is filled with reminders of appointments, refills, bills, and anything I have to remember because I just can't keep up. I'm so overwhelmed and my husbands family has been awful to us. I have thought of giving up so many times. But I have a baby who needs me. I have been battling this guilt. I'm the reason we're struggling. I'm the reason we lost everything. It's been the hardest year since my mom passed. And right now all I want is for her to be here and take me in her arms. Christmas was her favorite holiday. She was so young..she battled with some of the same conditions so I fear I'm going to die young as well. There's so much more I could say..but I'm already overwhelmed. I pray 2020 will be a good year with less struggle. #Lupus #PTSD #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Strugglelife
lately my PTSD from having post partum preeclampsia has made me afraid of everything once again. I'm constantly scared my blood pressure is too high, my heart rate isnt right, and the panic attack feelings feel the same as when I was fighting the symptoms of preeclampsia. i fought it for 4 days without help, doctors sent me home 3 times until they believed me. Now I am waking up at 3 am fighting cold sweats, shivers, burning skin, fear, nausea, light headedness. its been almost 7 years! i just want this fear to end!
PCOS Took My Dignity And How I Earned It Back
PCOS is the most unfeminine medical disorder that a patient can experience. It affects your appearance, your energy levels, and the way your body functions. Early on in life, I experienced debilitating menstrual cycles, thinning hair, and increased weight gain despite constant activity. I had acanthosis nigricans on my neck, a skin condition where body folds and creases turn dark. I had no idea what it was so I would just scrub my neck constantly to try to get rid of it, but it didn’t go away. I always felt dirty when it was there. Little did I know it was a precursor to this condition. As I entered my teen years, and increased my activity even more with Varsity sports (six days of constant workouts all year long), my body thinned out and the acanthosis nigricans disappeared. As I hit college age and the activity slowed again, the weight returned and so did the hair loss. I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but I certainly did. It was thinning in the front so much that I could see my scalp as light reflected off of it.
My diagnosis of PCOS came in my second year of college. It wasn’t explained well. My doctor at the time threw some birth control at me and sent me on my way. I didn’t know the extent of this diagnosis until my husband and I prepared to have children. We tried for five years to have a baby. After three, we decided to look for help with a doctor. I endured so many tests where you have to strip from the waist down while medical personal check out all your parts. I experienced endless pelvic sonograms (basically a long rod is shoved inside you), a hysterosalpingogram (HSG test) where dye is squirted through your fallopian tubes to see if they are blocked, and even had to be hospitalized for a D&C. When all that was said and done, we also continued with years’ worth of intrauterine insemination (IUI) procedures – you know the “turkey baster” method. Three years in total with my legs up in the air before I even became pregnant.
I was blessed with three beautiful children, something that not all women with PCOS will experience. PCOS pregnancies are considered high risk. Pregnant mothers with PCOS experience high rates of miscarriage, early births, and overweight babies due to increased chances of gestational diabetes. Mothers are also at higher risk of preeclampsia – high blood pressure, water retention, protein in the urine which if not treated properly puts the patient at risk of organ failure. I was so very lucky not to experience those things, but what did happen to me occurred after my pregnancies. I lost so much hair I was balding in some spots. I had to find ways to cover it up. I had increased hirsutism (increase in body hair) mostly on my face and chin. Almost immediately the hormonal shifts post-pregnancy caused cystic acne. I felt less and less like a female every single day.Obesity was another battle. With PCOS it’s very easy to put on weight if you have insulin resistance issues, which I do. On the other hand, it’s also very difficult to lose that weight. Your body is fighting against you. So without the right combination of medication, exercise, proper diet to fit well with PCOS, it can be discouraging. I have suffered from poor body image, frustration, anxiety and depression. PCOS stole my dignity in every way possible. I hated so much about myself and my life. I hated the amount of doctor’s appointments I needed. I loathed the amount of medications I took on a daily basis. I was up in arms about my lack of control over my own body despite my own best efforts.
It took some time but I earned all the dignity back that I lost to PCOS. First, I found a doctor who specialized in PCOS. That was a huge change. I felt supported. I decided to work hand in hand with my doctor. I researched on my own. I learned more about PCOS than I had ever known before. I made sure I had a consistent exercise routine that worked well with PCOS patients, and I stuck to it. I changed my eating habits based on the workings of a few registered dietitians who also specialize in this area. I made a promise to myself that I would not let PCOS overtake me. I was going to fight this sucker with everything I had… and I have for three years. I became so engulfed in my health and well-being that I am now a personal trainer. I work hard to help all people, not just patients with PCOS learn to find the best version of themselves through physical activity. My defining moment came when I became a PCOS advocate not just for myself but for others who were just being diagnosed. I have now known of my diagnosis for over twenty years. It took 6 years after my original diagnosis to find any information about this disorder. Now I work and volunteer my own time to try to help prevent other patients with the emotional and physical pain that I went through for so long.
I will not suffer with PCOS. I will thrive. I will fight. I will win. Dignity and self-respect are mine to keep.