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    New Year’s Eve #Depression #Anxiety #Holidays

    I’ve got a highlight coming. I ordered two dozen oysters and a great bottle of Champagne for New Year’s Eve. I feel very fortunate, exceedingly fortunate that I’m able to afford this. They’re not all for me, but I could eat them by myself if required. This is one redeeming feature to a shitty holiday season. #oysters #champagne #shittyholidays #Stillalive

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    I won a successful battle w/ Covid, but I had to fight for my life & it wasn't easy, ThankfullyI had help staying alive & getting stronger again.

    It’s ok, I do love the attention every four hours, but I can save you a lot of time & effort...I can tell you...I’m vital! I can save you the need to cuff me with velcro around my arm, save you wasting the disposable plastic cover for the thermometer, save you the need to close the device around my finger, and no need to watch the fun numbers go up and down on the rolling machine! Yup, vital...up and still kicking! My blood pressure and temperature are really close to what they were just hours ago! Coming in to do my vitals is actually an invasion into my time and what I’m doing, and it seems really redundant.

    Now don't get me wrong, I do love having visitors... except at 4 am in the morning! It’s hard enough to sleep in the confines of a hospital bed when I’m coughing incessantly, and trying to do breathwork just makes the coughing worse! Someone else also comes three times a day and they give me a tiny clear cup full of multicolored candy pills. Candy that is trying to keep me healthy. I appreciate when they take the time to go over them with me, instead of just putting them in front of me and walking out of the room without even saying anything. I wonder if I ate them like candy and chewed them up if they would help more or less?!? I do think they’d taste awful.

    In the big picture I’m very thankful to have all of you currently in my life. I’m hurting physically and emotionally and I know you are trying to help me feel better and get better. Your intention is to be there to support me. You come to check on me with a push of the red button on the remote! Then there are the ones of you that are Physical Therapists and Occupational Therapists that come everyday. You come to challenge me to slowly get back to the more vibrant, active, stronger man I used to be. You push me to do exercises that can be brutal. I often fail miserably, but you encouraged me to take breaks, be gentle with myself and over time I am SLOWLY getting stronger and my balance is returning. You had me start walking back and forth dependent on a walker, needing to take a break in less than 30 seconds, but I just walked around for 5 minutes...without the walker! A week ago I couldn't even stand. Now I can get out of this bed and go to the bathroom by myself. I can’t describe how good this makes me feel...proud, accomplished and body is responding and returning to form!

    #COVID19 #PTSD #Survivor #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #covidlonghaul #Migraine #Headache #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #DistractMe #MightyTogether #thankful #grateful #relief #Happiness #Selflove #Selfcare #MightyMinute #Acceptance #Grief #MentalHealthHero #warrior #Stillalive #Hope



    This is the letter from last night. It's kinda long.

    I don't know why I do this anymore. Why I fight. Why I hope. Why I come back. All I ever do is cause pain and suffering and turmoil. I never do anything good. All I ever do is make people miserable. I cause problems, and I only bring negativity. There is no way anybody could ever love, or care about someone like me. I'm too negative and evil and and bad and I have too many issues. It's a proven fact that if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else. It's not possible. That means that I can't love anybody else, it is impossible. I don't love myself, I hate myself. I am such a stupid, worthless baby.
    I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve Tanner. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve compassion. I don't deserve to live. I shouldn't be alive. I never should have been born. I never should have lived after I was born. There is no possible way for anybody to love me or care about me. If someone were to kill me, I would just ask them to leave as little mess for them(my family) to clean up.
    I don't know if I'll make it until the morning. I mean, It's not like I deserve to. I'll probably kill myself tonight. It will be better for everyone this way. My family will celebrate. They won't even miss me. They'll be happy. I'll be gone. It will be perfect for them. A dream come true. There my be a few people who miss me, but over all, my death will be for the better.
    Whoever is reading this, tell Tanner I love him. I always have and always will. He has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm sorry if this hurts you. That's not my intent. You are free now. You deserve better and more than I can give you.
    To my friends, I care so much about you. You are free of me now.
    To Melody and Tyler, Don't give up. Stick together. I love you guys.
    To The Mighty community, thank you for the opportunity to help. You are so amazing. Stay strong. Never, never give up, To SJ, you are so wonderful. I hope you know that I care, and I want you to be happy. You helped me a lot, and you are so strong and brave.
    To sociallyanxiousdoll, never stop fighting. You have done a lot for me. In the little time I've known you, I've grown to really care about you.
    I don't mean for this to hurt anyone. It won't though. It will set everyone free. I tried. I fought, but in the end, it just became too much.
    To my family, I care about you more than you know. I love you so much. Though I know you don't believe it. You finally got your wish. I'm gone. You'll never have to see me again. I'm gone.
    I know this will be better for everyone.
    Finally, to everyone mentioned, I care about you all. I want you to be happy. You are free of me. You are amazing.



    That was the letter I wrote last night.


    Where does the name SHAMELESS come from?

    #Shameless #Stillalive
    The truth is I like to keep this part of my life private, since it’s IBD awareness week I just decided to share my story. Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives. For the chronically ill people just like me, this terrible event already happened. My life changed dramatically as soon as I was diagnosed with this disease at a very young age. My childhood been f*** up, I was being hospitalized almost every month, I skipped school I didn’t have many friends. There’s a lot of things I used to love to do but I couldn’t do anymore. But despite how alone I was I never let anyone know that I’m this sick, because people as soon as they hear the word “sick” they will start feeling sorry for you. Never feel sorry for me! I’m not someone you should feel sorry for, of course I didn’t choose this illness, maybe I’m not from the lucky ones. But here I am still. I don’t like to complain about the constant pain I’m in everyday, because if I’d do that there would be nothing else for me to talk about. I hope a lot of people would understand, that a lot of things you take for guaranteed others can only imagine. This may sound a little crazy but I’m thankful for this disease, although I know it will get worse by the years, it taught me to appreciate EVERYTHING, because life is fucking beautiful after all and it made me the person I’m today. This disease taught me to LIVE BIG to hold on to each moment when I’m feeling good enough to live to the fullest. And on the good days believe me I’m the most SHAMELESS person ever enjoying my life as long as I can.
    have the time to feel shame, sadness, anger so
    I promise
    you will always see me as crazy as
    I truly am.

    #CrohnsDisease #Crohnsucks #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #MentalHealth

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