Suicidal Thoughts

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    Harder and harder to hold on

    Yesterday, I showered for the first time in a week after spending the entire time in bed. I missed an exam because I simply could not bring myself to go, and also, have not been able to study. Today after not sleeping the entire night, I decided I would go grocery shop and put my sheets to wash so that I would not be able to lay again. I did something nice for myself while I was out and bought myself a floser bouquet.
    But by the time I got home, I was exhausted. I only put stuff in the fridge and left everything else in the bags on the floor and went to sleep.
    Now I lay here convincing myself to stay alive. To think about how it could impact the people left behinf. But it's hard, 'cause, as aweful as it sound, what will I care after since I will already be sweet nothingness. It's just getting harder and harder and I just really can't do life.
    #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #CPTSD

    84 reactions 30 comments
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    Working on this motto!

    Moving forward doesn't mean you have to push yourself to do anything you're not ready for, it just means that you aim for a forward approach.
    It doesn't matter if you move slow so long as you keep moving.
    Just like how all little ones learn how to walk, one step at a time, we too must take that approach sometimes-especially when life gets complicated or extra hard.

    You Are doing a Great job! 👍 Keep moving forward ❤️
    Deep breathes, You CAN Do This!!

    #AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #Grief #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PTSD #RareDisease #SuicidalThoughts #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #Migraine #bedbound #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome

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    We were suppose to get a new pup tomorrow but the seller put it on pause since her sister died last month.

    She decided to wait four days until she would reschedule again.
    I had previously taken off two weeks so that I could spend them with the new puppy instead of worrying about appointments and leaving her home alone. So I told my parents that I was going to cancel my psych appointment. And then my mom turns around and says that if I cancel the psych appointment that I'm not getting a dog. Please someone verify that my feelings that this is a huge breach of trust is legitimate.

    It has taken me 10 years to be fully ready to go to a psychiatrist where I would commit to fully telling them everything and not holding back. And now with my mom forcing me it creates all sorts of problems. How can I ever trust them again? How can I trust them that if I really want something they're not going to use it to get what they want to? And then they say that they're doing this out of love because they want what's best for me! And now my anxiety which was stirred up because of the adoption being put on hold is now in a huge frenzy even though they said that they are trying to make it better and it's all for me.

    I hate when the people you most count on turn around and use everything to get you to do what they want.

    #AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #MightyPets #MemoryLoss #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PTSD #Migraine #RareDisease #SuicidalThoughts

    51 reactions 11 comments
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    What is body dysmorphia?

    #BodyDysmorphicDisorder

    Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), occasionally still called dysmorphophobia, is a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it. In BDD's delusional variant, the flaw is imagined. If the flaw is actual, its importance is severely exaggerated.

    Either way, thoughts about it are pervasive and intrusive, and may occupy several hours a day, causing severe distress and impairing one's otherwise normal activities. BDD is classified as a somatoform disorder, and the DSM-5 categorizes BDD in the obsessive–compulsive spectrum, and distinguishes it from anorexia nervosa.

    BDD is estimated to affect from 0.7% to 2.4% of the population. It usually starts during adolescence and affects both men and women. The BDD subtype muscle dysmorphia, perceiving the body as too small, affects mostly males. Besides thinking about it, one repetitively checks and compares the perceived flaw, and can adopt unusual routines to avoid social contact that exposes it.

    Fearing the stigma of vanity, one usually hides the preoccupation. Commonly unsuspected even by psychiatrists, BDD has been underdiagnosed. Severely impairing quality of life via educational and occupational dysfunction and social isolation, BDD has high rates of suicidal thoughts and attempts at suicide.

    You can refer to this:

    resiliens.com/resilify/program/dealing-with-body-dysmorphia

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    ❤️❤️❤️ I always have had bad health and painful things added but never solved and taken away.

    But I find rest-Peace- in Christ. He never turns me away and always knows everything about me and my struggles in exactly that moment. He won't make us fight on alone without some relief. Even if that relief is like mine and never takes away the problem. But He Always gives me strength and endurance to carry one.

    #AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Depression #bedbound #Disability #Endometriosis #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #longcovid #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #Migraine #RareDisease #SuicidalThoughts

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    Which one is meant for you?

    Top: Don't ever allow yourself to forget how incredibly special you are, even for a single second. Without you, the world would not be as magnificent.

    Left: Whatever you did today is enough.
    Whatever you felt today is valid.
    Whatever you thought today isn't to be judged.
    Repeat the above each day.

    Right: We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.

    Bottom: At the end of the day darling, you are enough. You always have been. ❤️

    #AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #bedbound #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Grief #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #PTSD #RareDisease #SuicidalThoughts #Psoriasis

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    Struggling with dark thoughts

    Depressed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I've got this deep sadness and fatigue. I've been laying in bed for 2 months. I only leave my apartment to go to doctors appointments. I had a friend over on Wednesday and for only the second time in 2 months I actually sat on my couch. He wanted to watch a movie so I put on Red Notice because I love Ryan Reynolds but I hated the movie. I had to fake my laughter when I thought I was supposed to laugh. My friend asked if I was ok and I said yeah but that's because earlier in the night he said being friends with me requires too many spoons. That made me feel like a burden. I try to be a good person and I'm supportive of the people I care about but I'm so alone with my thoughts. I've been having suicidal thoughts since he said that... Like gosh, my friends would be happy if I was gone. I know it's not true but I can't stop thinking about it. The depression stems from the chronic pain I experience every day. It's exhausting to constantly be in pain. I have to push myself to eat, shower, put on clothes... I am not functioning properly. Every day is a struggle.
    But my mom is the worst of it. She keeps saying that I need a hobby or I'd feel better if I watch TV. I try to explain to her that hobbies when I'm depressed are like marathon races uphill when I have the flu. She doesn't get it at all. She thinks I'm being lazy. I don't respond to humorous things the right way either. I've got blunted affect horribly from my meds. So tv just doesn't appeal to me.
    I sometimes put on music but that eventually just bothers me so I turn it off and lay in bed crying or talking to friends who don't live in my state. I don't have local friends to get together with more than maybe once per month if I'm lucky. And I don't have transportation to go anywhere on my own. I find myself fantasizing about going to get bubble tea and reading books at coffee shops often. That's what I used to do when I had a car. I miss that.
    I started trulicity a week and a half ago. It's killed my appetite. I don't want to eat anything, not even my favorite comfort food or tea. I force myself to eat one meal per day so I don't get sick at least. But then I end up nauseous and uncomfortable. I've already lost 3lbs since I started taking it. I'm glad that I lost weight but it's not such a great way to do it.
    I haven't told my therapist how bad it is right now. He knows I'm depressed but I haven't told him about the dark thoughts yet. I'm worried he will call to have me hospitalized for psych. It won't help because it's all about the pain I'm experiencing and a psych admit won't fix that.
    I feel so alone and lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on autopilot. I'm behind on washing dishes, my bedroom is a wreck with dirty dishes and used tissues piled up and trash on the floor. I've got empty cardboard boxes piled up in my room and kitchen that I need to break down at some point... But not today. Today I'm going to try to wash dishes. If I can get even one done I'll be happy at least I think maybe...
    #Depression #ChronicPain #avolition #CheckInWithMe

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