Suicidal Thoughts

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Suicidal Thoughts
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TW hopeless, exclusionism, swearing, vent

What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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Openness about suicidal thoughts

I just want to know if other people withhold some of their thoughts and feelings around suicide. I have these thoughts and feelings but I’m scared to voice them because I don’t want to be locked up in a mental health hospital. So I go around acting like I’m okay, but really I just want to end the pain. I’ve been doing ECT treatments for a month and I’ve seen no improvements. They started adding ketamine to my treatment but the only thing I’ve noticed is severe sleepiness. I tend to sleep all day after getting ketamine but I need to be functional for my family. I just need some relief but I’m afraid of telling people I have suicidal thoughts. #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression

9 reactions 4 comments

I'm having a really bad panic attack right now

Please only read this post if your in the right mind and can because I'll be talking in detail about suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm and it's basically all trauma dumping too.
So my friend just commited suicide like I mentioned in my other post but today I saw her suicide letter and after seeing that I feel so so so horribly triggered and genuinely like I have to commit suicide too right now. Don't worry , I'm way too big of a coward to actually do it but I'm just so disturbed I cannot put it into words. There's so many similarities between our situation. There's so much. Her entire plan of suicide is exactly like how I've imagined suicide everyday since I got depressed. The same scenario where I actually have the courage to commit it. The way I do it. That scenario I think of everyday. And this is like that scenario come to life. Her way of ending her suffering whilst also making the people who hurt her suffer by committing suicide is so twistingly inspiring to me because I also have severe depression. I genuinely feel a NEED to do it. Like as if it's a must because she didn't even have to deal with being in physical pain all the time and she did it so how the hell should I still be standing when I have to deal with all these symptoms everyday while someone who wasn't even in chronic pain did it. Did what I've wanted to do for so long. The way that the people around her treated her. God it's so similar to how the people around me treat me. And the worst part is the blame. She said she has no friend to talk to about her struggles and no one will care if she died her friends won't even notice. I literally spent the entire morning crying. She really thought I didn't care about her? I offered so many times "do you wanna vent" "do you wanna vent" "I'll listen if you need to talk about anything" "wanna talk about it" what did I do that made her feel like I wasn't a safe enough person to talk to? What could I have done to make her feel safe??? She probably didn't even think of me while writing this since she didn't consider me one of her immediate friends but she was definately one of my closest friends. God the panic attack is not stopping and I feel like I'm about to throw up or die or something. I literally have tution in a few hours too. Sorry for concerning anyone I just really needed somewhere to get this down and share because I have literally no one to talk to. Oh god she's gone it's hitting me that I can't do anything at all. Yesterday was her funeral and her birthday both together. They found the letter afterwards. I'm literally so disturbed right now. The suicidal thoughts are so strong. I would genuinely appreciate any kind words or validation at all.#Fibromyalgia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

14 reactions 10 comments

I'm new here!

Hi, my name is BIBO61. I'm here because I have a child and neice who both have emotional dysregulation. (BPD traits), anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I also live with my husband who is suffers from chronic pain

I teach a class for families of relatives with BPD traits and am always looking for new information to share with my participants. I Learned about The Mighty from a speaker at last years Emotion Matters conference.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ADHD #BipolarDisorder

5 reactions 1 comment

How to cope with a friend's death when your already struggling so much?

Trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm
I live struggling every single day. I have many chronic illnesses and constant depression. I deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. For the past year things have been even more hellish because I have such a massive responsibility on my shoulders. School has gotten extremely tough and I have no other option but to study so much as no one in my life has enough mercy to let me even take a break seeing the situation my health is in. I've talked about how hard my life is in other posts. I deal with 24/7 body pain and chronic pain and I'm constantly on edge and have to work alot on top of this because of school. Since January things got even tougher because my entire support system that I had with my studies has been taken away from me and I have to manage so much more stuff now as my exams are literally in 2 months. I'm barely holding on. On top of this, yesterday, I got the news that one of my online friends committed suicide. I hadn't talked to her much recently but I knew she was struggling alot. We had talked alot in December and January. I wasn't one of her closest friends but she was one of my closest friends if that makes sense. Since yesterday more and more news is coming out on her and with every bit of news, it triggers me more and more. Just like Me, she was extremely depressed and did self harm. She was also sick but in a very different way. One thing that is absolutely burdening me so much is that maybe if I were online at that time I could've said something to her or convinced her in some way to not do it. I know I probably couldn't have because she would probably not listen to me. But maybe? Just maybe she just needed to hear one word from someone and I could've been that someone. Maybe even if not then and there but backs hen we used to talk, I could've said something that would've stopped the dominos from falling that eventually led her to do this. Maybe I could've just done something. I know the chance is really slim but just maybe? I didn't seriously consider that she would do this because she had alot of people that loved and were there for her. I don't even have that. The thing that triggered me the absolute most was when I heard her friend say "I think she just couldn't bare the pain in her body" because the pain in my body is unbearable and puts me on the edge so often. Because of it I deal with suicidal thoughts all the time. I feel so triggered and also like I could've done something even though I know I couldn't have. I didn't even know that this was happening. I know I couldn't have done anything but just that little piece of doubt that I could've is throwing me off the edge. I have so much work, I can't even give right now. I'm in shock and just numb. I don't really have support at all either and that's why I keep coming online to vent as I have no shoulder to cry on or anyone to sincerely talk to as anyone that I talk to just invalidates me and I know that if I died that more relief will be felt than sadness. At least I think so. I don't know what to do at all. I don't know how to manage all this. I'm already really worried about alot of people in my life that I genuinely love and care about that are not in good positions. So this happening triggers me in so many ways. I'm so worried about everyone else now. I feel like I'm going insane. I have literally no idea what to do. I feel like I'm being overdramatic since she didn't really consider me one of her immediate friends but we had been friends for a year and at least I considered her a good friend of mine. She didn't contact me at all before doing this. If she did, I would've absolutely done everything I could've. All the messages I sent her today if I sent them yesterday then maybe who knows just maybe I could've helped her. I know it probably wouldn't have happened that way but just maybe? I was already on the edge and now I feel like I'm dangling of it. Like I'm done. I have to manage so much and work so much whilst being this sick and dealing with so many mental health issues too and getting invalidated by every medical professional I meet whether it's a therapist or a doctor. I have to figure out what to do with my health. Deal with studying 24/7. Be worried about so many people. Finish all these to do lists. Try to maybe keep up with hobbies for support. Try to survive all this and over. Literally all of this and then now this. I was already feeling like I was about just die at any point and now I just have no idea what to do. Today is her birthday too. She died a day before her birthday. There's so much to manage and do. There's so much to deal with. I feel like I'm making everything about myself but I'm in hell rn. I don't know what to do. If anyone has anyone advice or validation let me know. I am safe so don't worry about that but I'm just in so much pain. Physically, emotionally and mentally. It's been such a hard year and we're only on February.
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #Depression #PTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

7 reactions 3 comments

#Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #atrial fibrillation

Today is one of those overwhelming, head won't stop, suicidal thoughts kind of day. Cancelled meeting up with a friend who has just split up with her boyfriend (again). Felt terrible for cancelling but she's made other plans. Forced myself to go out. I'm now in a local cafe feeling too overwhelmed to eat my dinner. Does anyone else feel that when I'm in I want to be out, when I'm out I want to be in?!!!
It's horrible and my head will not stop. Help!!!!

95 reactions 23 comments

Passing every single terrible day.. I don’t even how it’s even passing. Now, i hate lookinh at the time or the date.. It’s just me either sleeping the whole day or overthinking about all the worst things.. I am stopped but time is not goona stop. Life won't stop.. Why.. Why it’s so cruel.. Life hasn’t even started properly but i am feeling that it’s getting destroyed already.. Why.. I wanna live... I do.. But i can't.. I feel everyday is pushing me to commit suicide.. Tired of life... I even don’t have the engergy to get up from my bed.. My exams are coming.. But i have no preparations.. I couldn’t.. Everyday got so tough that i can't even tell.. It was like surviving was so tough.. I hate it.. Hate my life,myself and everything.... Someone just take me away from all this.. I can't just take so much stress.. I can't... But no one understands.. They are like why aren’t you doing.. Why.. It's your fault.. You are destroying your own life.. You are the worst.. Maybe i am the worst.. Yeah that's why i am doing this.... Nobody would do that.. I think the main problem is that i am such a healthy person.. Physically well then what's the problem??? No one is goona check the inside or the heart.. No one cares... Should i just give up.. I don’t know.. Believe me yesterday night i was counting how many medicines i do have.. Maybe to have them.... I can't..... Take me home..... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

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