Suicidal Thoughts

‼️Contains mentions of suicide, homicide, family drama, sexual assault and trauma‼️

This is a long story but I'll try to make it shorter here. You can ask me if you want more details.

First a short backstory for context.

I had a difficult and unstable childhood. My sister and dad struggled with serious mental illnesses, and my mum and sister had a very toxic relationship. Much of my childhood and adolescence revolved around the drama surrounding my sister, leaving me feeling neglected. Undiagnosed ADHD, dyslexia, and a processing disorder also made education difficult, and for years I believed I was stupid or simply not trying hard enough. I developed low self-worth, anxiety, and depression around 10–12, followed by suicidal thoughts around 14. As a young adult, I also experienced a traumatic sexual assault. I still struggle with my mental health today, and it ultimately became the catalyst for this story.

After my sister moved out, it was just my mum and me. We were very close and got along well, but over the next two years, our mental health began declining together. We relied on each other for support, but as our mental health worsened, our relationship began to fracture. She increasingly focused on my faults and criticized my efforts, often without realizing how deeply it affected me. I don't blame her—her depression was largely untreated, and the world had become a very negative place for her. But I began feeling worthless and like a burden. The woman who had once been my biggest source of love, joy and support slowly became, in my mind, the voice telling me I worthless. "Am I the cause of her depression or the reason she isn't getting better?" Was a daily though I had.

One day, after returning home from a holiday intended for RnR, but that had actually ended up worsened my mental health, my mum and I had several intense arguments. Although they were about seemingly small things, they reinforced the belief that I wasn't good enough, wasn't trying hard enough, and that I was a careless, horrible burden. I couldn't cope anymore. I went to my room and cried uncontrollably, eventually contemplating suicide. My thoughts spiraled, and I became completely overwhelmed by my emotions. Hundreds of negative thoughts flooded my mind, drowning out my ability to think rationally. I was detached from reality and saw everything in black and white—my mum was the enemy, and I was the victim. In that state, I became convinced she hated me and was deliberately breaking me down until I killed myself. I even began thinking about taking her with me and wondering if she deserved it for making me feel this way.

Of course in hindsight, and while able to think rationally about the situation I do not feel this was about my mum. I love her very deeply and only want the best for her.

Is my emotions and thoughts increasingly became out of control intense intrusive thoughts and to my mind, depicting ways in which I kill myself and her. These intrusive thoughts created an internal battle. Although having thoughts homicide and suicidal I knew even in that state I didn't want to hurt her. If you've ever had a thought of running into traffic but simultaneously knowing that is a bad idea, that might help you to understand the situation I was going through. In this moment I felt confused, frightened, angry, depressed, overwelmed and profoundly alone. My mum came to my door and attempted to enter. At this point my emotions burted out of me, I screamed, yelled, insured and threatened my mum. My defence and fight reason what in overdrive. I didn't want her to come in and yell at me and make things even worse. I now know she wasn't going to.

A repetitive, intrusive thought began looping in my mind. It was driving me crazy. The words “Get a knife” kept repeating, without any further instructions or intention attached to them. I tried desperately to fight the thought, but eventually I became convinced that the only way to make it stop was to act on it. I took a knife from the kitchen and started walking back toward my room. As I did, my mum came out of her room. My fight and defend response immediately kicked in, and the situation escalated into yelling, screaming, and threats. Understandably, my mum became frightened and left the house. Although I made threats in that moment, I did not act on them or hurt her.

The police and ambulance were called and within about 15 minutes arrived at my house. From there I was questioned in my driveway while still in a mentally unstable dissociative state. I proceeded to tell them everything as I believed being open would result in getting the help I needed. The ambulance took me to the hospital where I then spent 3 days in a health ward. During the second day I was informed that an AVO (like a restraining order) had been issued by the police on behalf of my mum, but not requested by her. In fact she had told the police that she did not want an AVO and that she understood I was in a mental crisis. She cried on the phone to me that day while telling me about the AVO. I was released into police custody from the mental health ward and held in a police station cell for several hours while crying and rocking back and forth. I was issued the AVO that stated it would be in place for 2 years, prohibiting any contact, or being within 100m of my mum and my home. Within approximately 48 hours after an intense mental breakdown everything I needed the most was taken from me. I was seperated from my cat, who is my world, my lifeline and more then once the reason I haven't kill myself. Everything familiar, my mum, my cat, my routine, my art, my safe place, my support services, my belongings were all taken away. I moved in with a friend and for about 2 months I've been struggling more then ever before. Multiple times I've been very close to suicide, thinking this is all just too much and the pain is unbearable. I cry most nights and have to take a seditive to stop the suicidal thoughts and emotional pain. I miss my mum more then words could describe. My mum has been fighting the AVO since day one but currently it is till in place.

My trauma resulted in a mental breakdown and was "delt" with by giving me more trauma and I'm expected to now fix myself and prove to the court I'm getting better in order for the AVO to have a chance of being changed or removed, but even if I became mentally healthy that's not a guarantee that the AVO will be removed/changed.

I understand that the police have a duty to protect people. But throwing one solution at every problem doesn't work. And the lack of consideration for the individuals involved often makes things worse.

I imagine it this way, someone brakes their leg by accident and they have their other leg broken as punishment for it. Then they are told that to get the help they need they have to crawl 10km over gravel and dirt to the hospital. But, by the time they get to the hospital will then legs be too damaged to be repaired?

If you made it to the end of this story I thank you and appreciate you deeply.