I am new here, I have no idea what I am doing here, and this post seems to have been made 5 months ago so who knows how it is now - but for me, in the past three days the only thing that kept me alive is my dog, since she is a rescue I do not want to put her through trauma just because I haven't learned yet to live. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 6, and back then it was more like a 'remembering' if that makes sense, even though back then, I didn't know yet that I would find some spiritual solace later on in my twenties and could explain what I was feeling as kid. I would look to the stars at night and know, just know, that I came from a place where I had been cocooned in warmth and love, and I would wish with all my heart to go back there and would still know that I couldn't, even though, this as well, I couldn't make sense of back then. when I turned ten I came across an anonymous group that made me realise that 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels' and from there I encountered the self-harm ideations I could relate to, there was something I could control and there were people who felt as alienated as I did, and they were suffering as was I, when no one in my environment seemed to. so suicide changed into this very existential thing, where I realised this was actually something people felt was bad or you should feel bad if you experience it and there were people screaming to prevent it and keep you alive, and I just thought: well, obviously, duh, but also, what if you really just do not want to live, like, why is that so bad? who said it was dramatic and almost this theatrically blown up stigmatisation that this is the worst thing ever? and also, if you could actually just have a normal conversation with someone about it, maybe it wouldn't need to be blown so out of proportion. but obviously our western culture makes death out to be the worst enemy, so I never said anything, I planned it for years and never attempted, so I thought, who am I, not even someone with the guts to follow through on my own yearning; it got better for a while and then even better for a while longer and recently I felt like what is the point though, like my life has no meaning, and after I gift my rescue dog the best life ever, I could just go - sure, I guess a few people would be shocked or even hurt, it would linger, I would cause them another bit of burden to their own backpacks, but then again, maybe that is ok, because I tried and I just don't see the sense in it. sure the world is beautiful, and I have actually been privileged enough to travel and realise that there is a possibility, I realised I could understand how people just enjoy life, actually enjoy it, like no dark thoughts, nothing weighing them down, no physical manifestations of anything that would make them even think about not trudging onwards day after day after day. but wouldn't it be ok for me to make this decision, write the few who may experience it as another burden if I make that decision, explain how really it isn't that big of a deal, it isn't dramatic as in the books and poems and movies, it isn't their fault either, is is just me waving goodbye and see you soon as warbling, wandering souls in this life after life that is so much kinder and more loving, and then I am curious to hear all about your adventures and the hills and valleys of your life, and just know I am happy to leave this state of consciousness behind, it is, really, not the big of a deal, I had a good life, I am weird but I think I have suffered enough and I would now enjoy some true peace and quiet as floating energy, and nothing more; and really, we don't see each other anyway, and really, you have such full lives too, and really, it was an honour living at the same time as you did, but really, too, I have tried and I have succeeded for a long time, but actually, now, let go of your belief system and wish me well....
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