Suicidal Thoughts

After three years of hellish mental tortures and pains I have gone through from the very person known as my father, I finally walk away from that man... He was never a father for these three long horrifying years... Rather, he was a monster... The mental abuses, traumas that one person gave me.... When I started to work on my traumas, I thought I would able to forgive him.. But, guess what he crossed every lines... I am still not able to process... I have always tried to give him a chance and what he had, he shattered my heart every single time... That man is so terrifying that he was emotionally blackmailing me... Can you imagine that... I thought forgiving is the best option.. But, some people just don't deserve that... And, I choose to walk away and with that clarity, I am not goona dealing with that monster anymore... I am so done... I don’t deserve the torments that man keeps giving me... Accusing me for something I am not... I am even ashamed to call him my father... That man just can't be my father... I tried but now, I am done with that man.. I have erased everything I could... That man has no right to keep tormenting me like that... I don’t deserve that... I never deserve that... The torment even got that extreme that I was literally feeling suicidal... He crossed that line.... Now, I am so done... I don’t wanna associate with someone like him... I am even ashamed to call him my father.... I am just not letting this man to torment me anymore.... This is over... Yeah, it is.....
Now I feel, some people just never deserve the kindness.. The chances... They don’t... And, you can never fix someone who never wants to be fixed...........
With this, I close the chapter of that haunting torments of three long years... In my healing journey, I would name it as a part of the story I have closed......... It’s over finally... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #mental abuse #Trauma #SuicidalThoughts #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether

A lot happened today… And everything was so sudden. I barely got time to figure out what was really happening. Recently, I have probably been dealing with PTSD… I just really don’t have a clear idea about this but the symptoms I have been facing lately are horrifying.

I just randomly find myself going back to those traumatizing memories and they just come so randomly… Like anything I see or hear, I find myself reliving those moments so accurately almost like a movie where the flashback is depicted so perfectly with every prominent detail...For example, memories come randomly and I start acting like I am back there… I hear the voices, I feel the pain… Every detail with accuracy… Or even if I watch something similar, I start comparing myself and my traumas.... It feels as if it is happening just now… Like randomly zoning out… It’s terrible...

Even when I go to those very places, I find myself feeling the pain... Like that vulnerable version of myself is standing just right in front of me... And I feel guilt and resentment equally… Somehow, I hate that version of myself… Then the next moment, I cry thinking how much I have suffered… It’s a mix... And when something like that comes from those very people, I literally lose my control and act aggressively… I have never ever in my life been this aggressive… Even I am shocked the next moment… But the aggression comes so quickly and I just end up losing control… I can’t tolerate it… Even those very faces and voice tones, I have seen at that time... I can’t just tolerate it...

A memory to share.. There was a specific time when I was having suicidal thoughts and dealing with frequent panic attacks because of my father… He was so cruel and what he used to speak was beyond my tolerance… Horrifying, cruel words… And that time, something like this happened and I just had a panic attack.... It was so bad that the only thing I could say was Call my mother… That’s it… And, I was hearing him say that She has gone mad...Call the mental hospital… And the worst part, I was hearing it clearly right in the middle of that terrible panic attack when I was literally shaking… Yeah… at that very moment… And, the horror... I am still haunted by that... It was terrifying....
And, I don’t know if I can call this PTSD... I have no idea about this...
But if you have gone through anything like this too, it would mean a lot if you’d like to share your experience as well… I would really appreciate that...#Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether