Suicidal Thoughts

It’s been ages since I have been here. Actually, I went through a lot. This month was just crazy and I was completely clueless about what was happening. It was really really hard for me. Everything.. I had the worst heartbreak and everything got so complicated. I got extremely suicidal.. And, it got to the point where I literally messaged my therapist that I didn’t want to continue living anymore. I was just too numb to bear the pains and felt completely shattered. I also hurt myself badly. I literally felt I was losing myself.. It felt as if I had lost everything.. And,I was constantly blaming myself...
At that time, I felt like I had no one.. I was feeling horryfyingly lonely.. Carrying all these pains alone made it harder than it was supposed to be..My best friend tried everything to reach out to me but I just locked myself away. I distanced myself from everyone and everything. My social anxiety got worse and I was too scared to come out of my room. Life felt like it stopped. I faced harsh realities, traumas, and cruel behavior from my own family, especially from my father. I still remember how broken I felt when I noticed the indifference in his eyes. I was scared, broken, and so done with life because I didn’t know what would happen next. I felt I just wanna disappear... I was too broken to face anything..
It was just so hard. Probably in these past three years, I have never felt this vulnerable. I can't explain how much I cried. I got aggressive.. Life felt very much unknown and broken. I felt like I disappointed everyone.. Those who stood by me through everything.. Especially my mother 💔. The guilt was overwhelming.. I felt I couldn’t give the justice my mother deserved for everything she did for me.. She fought against the world just to protect me.. So,the feeling of failing her was haunting..
And,it took me a lot to share these vulnerable moments I faced this month but I choose to be myself and opened up about it here... This has always been my home where I found myself. It’s my forever comfort zone.. So,sharing all these here just feels so comforting... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether

I am feeling very badly vulnerable and miserable something I never felt before.. No matter how many times I have faced the worst situations, I kept fighting for myself.. I always took a stand for myself... I always tried to stay strong for myself cause I just didn’t wanna give up on myself.. But,right now, I am not doing okay at all.. I feel so bad and helpless that I can't even explain.. I feel so disappointed and hopeless.. This time I am giving all the blames on myself cause I can't just pass on my own pains to others.. It’s just me.. There is so much pain in my heart right now... It’s overwhelming.. I don’t wanna share to anyone.. I have locked myself in my room and I am crying on myself.. There was a time when I used to feel bad for myself and felt how much I have suffered.. And, I always believed I deserve better.. But,this time,it’s not the same.. I am feeling guilty to all those amazing people I have met during the most vulnerable times of my life... They did so much for me.. I will be forever grateful to them.. But, it’s me who couldn’t just do anything for them.. I am feeling guilty.. Specially to my mother, she sacrificed so much for me.. She struggled so much just to support me.. She fought against the world just to protect me... But, I failed her and I feel so guilty for that.. I thought I will give my mother the justice and appreciations for everything she did for me.. I will prove everyone wrong... But, I just failed badly... I really wanna say sorry to her.. She deserves way someone better than me.. There was a time when I was badly suicidal but I never did.. Cause I could imagine my mother's helpless face.. She is the best.. And, I failed her...Also, I have some most amazing persons who helped me so much.. I feel I failed them all.. I feel like a loser.. This is just so much to bear and I can't.. I am blaming myself and I have no one to blame.. I just feel so miserable... I am having suicidal thoughts.. And, I don’t know... I don’t even know how to face my mother.. I feel so sorry for her... And, I just can't... My eyes are burning cause I have been crying the whole night.. Still,there is so much pains in my heart... And, I can't... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts #CheckInWithMe

As I was trying to complete orders that I truly need to mail tomorrow, for my small-batch skincare business, I missed the last step of our stairs and sprained my ankle hitting my left hip - where the bulk of my osteoporosis is. On ice right now, and I am already extremely depressed because I feel like I’m falling behind and it’s perhaps never going to change. My suicidal thoughts are in full force (they were before this) and difficult to turn off. Just wanted to share because no one else in the world understands except you. I hope you guys are doing well and the Easter Bunny has been good to you 🙏❤️🌻