It was home maybe not the original but it was home
And that was my room with my siblings
And those were my toys
And that was my game with her
She knew it wasn’t a game
Her face was always lit like she knew what was coming
She always wanted to play
I remember the blue tint in the room and I remember the bottom bunk
I remember being scared of shadows and having to do the right thing so the shadows wouldn’t get me
It wasn’t the shadows I had to be afraid of
It was her light
She wasn’t a bulb but rather a bug and I never swatted her away
I was uncomfortable with the glow but not enough to say no
It took a long time to realize I’d been had
And can I really be mad if I didn’t mind when it happened?
I don’t know
Moving forward when the game outgrew us both and it came time to learn the truth about what I was really playing
I learned it had a name and there were rules
The game of love is supposed to be fair
But my body was sore from before and I didn’t know the rules
So the first time I was supposed to love someone
It fumbled and we both lost
There has to be a better way
And I don’t have all the answers so I choose to take comfort in the known
And what I know is I’m grateful for the people who never made me feel shame when I told them about my pain and my confusion and my loneliness
I know that I’m proud to be a survivor and I’m not scared of what happened anymore
or what it means
And I know that I’m not alone and someone, somewhere out there is going through this too and one day when they’re on the other side
I’ll be there too smiling and cheering
We made it. We won.
#SexualAssaultSurvivor #Childhoodtrauma #suppression #Loneliness #strength #notalone
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