WorkingOnIt

So for the first time in a long time. Like I can’t even remember the last time I feel present in the moment. Like I am actively apart of my life. I’m not on the side line just watching me go through the motions. While this is awesome it is also so much effort and exhausting. I’m taking back my life as best I can but the toll on me is draining.

The bad part is I don’t have much in the way of people understanding what is going on with me. They see that I am doing things both at work and in my personal life and they are happy for me but they can’t seem to understand how I can go from being awake and all good to just not having the energy to even talk.

Thanks for reading I just needed to get this out.

I just need to say how I feel without getting sent to a nut house. The feeling will pass I know but I have got to get it out some how. Journaling never seems to work out for me. And a quick vent can always do some good I think. Coming home from work has been such a challenge lately. I've been trying really hard to find I way to ward off suicidal thoughts. But it seems like the more I try the more I have the thoughts.
Some meditation and deep breathes are much needed.
#Depression #WorkingOnIt #feelingwornout

Today was my first day back to work after having 10 days off. I spent some quality time with my mom and just enjoyed the peace and quiet of being at home.
I woke up early to prepare myself for getting back into the dreaded schedule and ended up crying for an hour. I don’t enjoy where I work... I feel like I work more than I live. When I have free time, I don’t feel like going out the majority of the time... and then feel bad when I don’t haha.
I’ve been dealing with my first flare up of mild and pretty constant anxiety for the past few months and it’s days like today where my mind has 10 different things going on and I just want to crawl into bed.
For no reason at all, I just thought about the future of my family and losing them eventually and had to refrain from tearing up at work. Today was a mess... but I’m confident tomorrow will be better.
#Anxiety #WorkingOnIt

I try to stop eating/buying so much bread.
Bread is a placeholder for healthy eating habits and getting off the couch. This is not true for everyone, but eating more bread, for me personally, always translates to getting lazier about self care in general.
Bread makes me feel good temporarily without being good for me in the long run. Or even the next day.
Bread has diminishing returns.
I don’t need it for snacks the way I think I do and I will go back to the bakery once I have lost the desire to eat bread every day.

I try to stop drinking and smoking so much/often.
Alcohol and weed are substitutes for actually doing an activity.
There are lots of activities that I love to do and don’t need to be high or drunk to enjoy.
I will do these things and not worry about if I am maximizing the amount of fucked up I can be during my free time. Painting is more emotionally rewarding than Netflix 10/10 times.
I don’t need to be high all the time to enjoy life, even if it helps sometimes. I won’t let myself smoke so much that I forget that.

I start forcing myself to add positive observations to my internal criticisms.
“God, I’m a fat, ugly piece of garbage.” ->> “Hey, don’t say that, you are smart and beautiful and anyone who knows you will tell you so. Including you. You are telling yourself this right now.”

Or sometimes just: “oof I looked at that guy weird, why am I weird...?”->> “Weird is good. He won’t remember or care.”

I am my own worst critic but I can also be my own greatest advocate when I try! And it starts with me putting in a little extra effort every day to internally recognize myself as the person I know I am.

And the more I think about it the more I actually do it, so here I am thinking about it. And I DID NOT buy bread OR wine at the store today and I am proud of myself for working on it.

#WorkingOnIt
#HowToFightDepression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder