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I feel so stupid and so ridiculous. *forehead smack* 🤦

A little while ago I posted about how I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I have now come to the conclusion that I was confusing my emotions. I did love him. I was in love with him, and I loved him with my whole heart and more. But our opinions are so different and how we think if so different, it never would've worked. And I'm okay with this, honestly. The reason I titled this "I feel so stupid and so ridiculous. *forehead smack* " is because I think that by the end, I knew that we weren't meant to be together, and through that, I began lusting for him. I've never wanted to have sex with anybody before. It was never something I thought about. My friends all talk about when they wanna lose their v-card and I just wasn't worried about it, never really cared. And then I met him. He opened up a new part of me and I confused lust for love in the end. I told him about it and he said it was weird, which I expected. Because it is kind of weird. However, it is how I feel. When l lose my virginity I want it to be with somebody I love, somebody who truly loves me. And that's where my thoughts stopped and I wondered. Because he just wants to lose it. He doesn't care if he's dating the girl or if he loves her. He said that it would help, but he doesn't care. Knowing this, and knowing how I feel about him work perfectly hand in hand. I think that because I was in such a state of learning that I wasn't completely broken (via him) that I was in a "fog" so to say, as to where I believed that I was going to, and wanted to spend my life with him. I don't want that. I want someone who is like him, but also completely different. I'm not sure that I want him even just as a friend in my life right now, but I know that he's in my life as he is for a reason. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So he is in my life, and me in his for a reason, whether this reasoning has happened yet or not is unknown, but we will learn soon enough. Either way, my point here is that I have finally learned how to evaluate my emotions to a point where I can look at them and know exactly how I feel. And I am very proud of this. 😁🥰

#psychology #encouragingWords #encouragementquotes #encoragement #positivequote #PositiveThinking #quittingisnotanoption #MentalIllness #dontgiveup #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #InvisibleIllness #mentalwellbeing #inspirational #inspirationalquote #Therapy #psychology #LGBTQ #Depression #Anxiety #Love #mensuck #Love #lusting #movingforward #teenagers #Toxic #Boyfriend #Ex #exboyfriend #Depression #Journaling #DistractMe #BipolarDisorder #selfcare #MightyPoets #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #letstalkdepression #PTSD #WorkingOnIt #growing

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Being present. #MentalHealth #WorkingOnIt #beingpresent

So for the first time in a long time. Like I can’t even remember the last time I feel present in the moment. Like I am actively apart of my life. I’m not on the side line just watching me go through the motions. While this is awesome it is also so much effort and exhausting. I’m taking back my life as best I can but the toll on me is draining.

The bad part is I don’t have much in the way of people understanding what is going on with me. They see that I am doing things both at work and in my personal life and they are happy for me but they can’t seem to understand how I can go from being awake and all good to just not having the energy to even talk.

Thanks for reading I just needed to get this out.



I just need to say how I feel without getting sent to a nut house. The feeling will pass I know but I have got to get it out some how. Journaling never seems to work out for me. And a quick vent can always do some good I think. Coming home from work has been such a challenge lately. I've been trying really hard to find I way to ward off suicidal thoughts. But it seems like the more I try the more I have the thoughts.
Some meditation and deep breathes are much needed.
#Depression #WorkingOnIt #feelingwornout

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#Depression and #Defeated

It’s been a while since I last posted. Mostly because I’ve been in and out of the ER, as well as dealing with other things. Depression hit me hard today - it was the first time in a good long while where I felt absolutely crushed under its weight. Normally, depression for me is easy enough to work through, but tonight ... it swallowed me whole. I truly felt defeated, and all I wanted to do was hide. But, I knew that if I could at least draw what I was feeling, then it wouldn’t be so strong. And that’s where the painting above comes in. #Drawing #Anxiety #exhaustion #mental #MentalHealth #ImTrying #OnedayAtaTime #WorkingOnIt


Back at it! #Work

Today was my first day back to work after having 10 days off. I spent some quality time with my mom and just enjoyed the peace and quiet of being at home.
I woke up early to prepare myself for getting back into the dreaded schedule and ended up crying for an hour. I don’t enjoy where I work... I feel like I work more than I live. When I have free time, I don’t feel like going out the majority of the time... and then feel bad when I don’t haha.
I’ve been dealing with my first flare up of mild and pretty constant anxiety for the past few months and it’s days like today where my mind has 10 different things going on and I just want to crawl into bed.
For no reason at all, I just thought about the future of my family and losing them eventually and had to refrain from tearing up at work. Today was a mess... but I’m confident tomorrow will be better.
#Anxiety #WorkingOnIt


When I Feel Myself Sliding Backward...

I try to stop eating/buying so much bread.
Bread is a placeholder for healthy eating habits and getting off the couch. This is not true for everyone, but eating more bread, for me personally, always translates to getting lazier about self care in general.
Bread makes me feel good temporarily without being good for me in the long run. Or even the next day.
Bread has diminishing returns.
I don’t need it for snacks the way I think I do and I will go back to the bakery once I have lost the desire to eat bread every day.

I try to stop drinking and smoking so much/often.
Alcohol and weed are substitutes for actually doing an activity.
There are lots of activities that I love to do and don’t need to be high or drunk to enjoy.
I will do these things and not worry about if I am maximizing the amount of fucked up I can be during my free time. Painting is more emotionally rewarding than Netflix 10/10 times.
I don’t need to be high all the time to enjoy life, even if it helps sometimes. I won’t let myself smoke so much that I forget that.

I start forcing myself to add positive observations to my internal criticisms.
“God, I’m a fat, ugly piece of garbage.” ->> “Hey, don’t say that, you are smart and beautiful and anyone who knows you will tell you so. Including you. You are telling yourself this right now.”

Or sometimes just: “oof I looked at that guy weird, why am I weird...?”->> “Weird is good. He won’t remember or care.”

I am my own worst critic but I can also be my own greatest advocate when I try! And it starts with me putting in a little extra effort every day to internally recognize myself as the person I know I am.

And the more I think about it the more I actually do it, so here I am thinking about it. And I DID NOT buy bread OR wine at the store today and I am proud of myself for working on it.