Worthlessness

Today is the closest I have felt in a long time to feeling like my mental health is going to win this struggle. I have been struggling a lot lately, but today my depression and anxiety and feeling of worthlessness are through the roof. Suicide is creeping into my mind more and more each day, I mentally struggle to see any value that I bring to this world or anyone’s life. I am truly starting to see that people would be better off without me. I tried to reach out to my therapist in grief group therapy tonight, but she was not mentally present tonight, it seems like she had someone big on her plate that was affecting her ability to be present for the people in group tonight. I don’t know if it was because there was only two of us tonight or because of a bigger issue in her life. I went into group hoping to find some hope to get the bad thoughts out of my mind and hoped group was an escape for two hours, but was it was the exact opposite, I went came out of group feeling more fear, worry, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, and suicidal than when I went in. I am also struggling to see any good in my life right now. Any good that has occurred lately, it seems like my mind twists it into something negative. I hope for a sign or something that can get me back on the path to getting my mental health under control. Is it possible that my current struggle is truly too much without proper support and is it possible that my mental health will win this battle. The worst thing is I know the next person I can reach out to that is supposed to help me, will just tell me I am having a normal reaction to a stressful event and that I don’t have a mental illness and that my mental illness is not contributing to the level of struggle I am currently having. Devaluing is all I seem to run into, and it is the last thing I need right now. I fear that the thing that is supposed to help me that being my medications will be my downfall because with wanting the pain to go away, I fear that my mental health and need for medications to sleep will have a negative reaction.

www.bipolartater.com

#MentalHealth #Suicide #Depression #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #Worthlessness #sad

My daughter woke up at 4Aam puking. So she and I are both home today. I went back to bed and slept until a little after 11. And that took everything to get up. Honestly if my daughter hadn't been home, I would have stayed in bed forever! I LOVE my bed. It's my most favorite place in the entire house. It comforts me so well and it's the one place that makes almost all the hurt, pain, doubt, anger, anxiety, thoughts all go away! At least while I'm sleeping anyway.
I LOVE sleep! Always have. I've never had a hard time sleeping (except for my darkest time last year)
I remember being in like the 9th grade when I first fell into a really dark depression. SLEEP, that's all I wanted. I remember being in Choir and all of a sudden becoming absolutely paralyzed. Numb. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. Nothing. It was like my soul had completely left my body and floated up and was watching my body. I remember my mother taking me to the Dr and saying, "I don't know what's wrong with her, please fix it, something's wrong" All I could do was curl up on the exam table and couldn't stop crying. After that all I remember is being in my room and sleeping for days and days and days! It brings me comfort now when I think back to that sleep. Weird huh? l remember when I finally did get up to shower, my hair was completely matted to my head.
I can usually fall asleep at the drop of a hat! It's the wanting to get up and start my day that's the hard part. Today is one of those days. I just want to sleep the day away!!
I got up because I thought surely my daughter would be up. It's after noon now and she's still asleep. I really want to go crawl back into bed!!!
#Depression #Anxiety #Depression #Worthlessness

I did talk to my therapist about how I was feeling. I also had a psychiatrist appointment and got my meds adjusted. IDK...I just can't seem to pull myself up this time. That happens occasionally. Hopefully the meds work. I have people checking in on me throughout the week, usually over zoom or text, so I guess that's good.

Can't seem to get past the feelings of worthlessness, though. How do you convince yourself that you're worth anything when much of your life was spent being treated like you were not worth anything? Well, only worth existing for what other people could take from me. I don't have value. Other people have value and can rip me apart to take what they need for themselves.

#Depression #Trauma #CPTSD #Worthlessness

As I have mentioned more than a few times I am an ICU nurse and that I work way too much. I had the duty these past 2 days to care for 2 patients that were withdrawing care. Watching someone die is never an easy but I can’t explain how much I wish I could have switched positions with either of these patients. They no longer had to deal with pain or grief, plus they had family and friends that cared enough about them to be with them and mourn for them. I live my life by myself hating every second of it. The only people that would “miss” me would be my coworkers and that’s only because they would have to pick up my shifts. I haven’t seen or heard from anyone in my family in over 6 months now and my x-wife doesn’t even let me talk to my kids. I’d be better off dead.

“Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God— soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God.” - Psalm 42:5 MSG

The only source of true happiness and help has been from my Lord Jesus Christ, who has lifted me up out of the depths of my despair which no words could truly express. Consider asking the one who has all of the answers, who knitted you together in your mother’s womb and knew you before you were even born. He knows the number of hairs on your head and loves you more than you even know. Let us lean on the One who has the strength to give us the joy we’ve never possessed. I hope this helps to bring true joy into your heart and help you to feel better during these difficult times. God never said this life would be easy, but He did promise to help us through our struggles. God bless you all. Try to have a wonderful day and a happy new year and let’s help each other as much as we can.

#Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Aspergers #Fibromyalgia #chronic Fatigue Syndrome #hopelessness #Worthlessness

After losing my job at the beginning of the pandemic and applying to more than thirty jobs with one or two failed interviews to show for it, I might be at my ropes end. I don’t know how to express with my therapist that breathing exercises, and EMDR training makes me feel stupid and searching for emotions to tell her I feel so I don’t have to try and keep a straight face while she darts her fingers across a socially distanced google meet session......I’m closing in on giving up all hope. The pandemic, this election added on......wit’s end. #Depression #Anxiety #Worthlessness

Being someone who has been gung ho for my mental health over the past three years I thought I would be prepared for 2020. I was incorrect. The constant bombarding of information regarding the state of the world has been over whelming. Everything was good until we started the first lockdown. I'm usually a home body I don't mind staying in the house so the lockdown was pretty easy (Thank you borderlands boundless imagination and animal crossing). Next my job cut my hours and walking home was a nightmare. I work at a certain taco franchise that loves staying open late for my fellow stoners. I was "lucky" to still be on the schedule they cut so much. Customers started becoming evil and thanks to the curfew cops harassed me on my walk home almost every night demanding my essential workers papers. A few well placed tragedies later everything seems to send me into a state. I've been drifting between emotional states randomly and I can't seem to stop, when I try to relax my body feels restless and then the restlessness turns into anxiety. "What are we forgetting?" " what needs to be done?" " We need to beg for more hours" " were gonna drift too far behind if this keeps up?" "We can't afford to be laying down?".. the voices on a constant loop in my head .. the two minutes I wanted to take to relax felt like hours under the torture of my internal voices. Heeding their word I start to move. I clean the house, then catch up on the news, I apply to as many jobs as I can before it frustrates me, I notice my appearance and adjust it as if I needed a makeover. Only 4 hours go by and I've been productively #Unproductive . When I finish and sit back down here come the voices again. "Move we need to do more?" "Do you think we accomplished anything?" "We're still in the same situation as before what have you changed?"... I shake my leg to tune it out. I even put music in my ears to dull the sound. I began this state months ago and now I'm at the point where nothing's gonna help. Today my co-workers brought up the fact that I said "I want to die" or "kill me" about 20 times today. I didn't even notice I said it once. One of my biggest fears is for my life to become mundane and meaningless and even though 2020 has been FAR from mundane I do feel like my life has been meaningless. The lack of breathing room in multiple parts of my life is breaking me. I was walking home from work tonight and in the silence of the walk i began to slip into the abyss. #Sadness , #Worthlessness , #Fear , #Pain , #anger , they all flooded over me, every time I tried to get rid of one by redirection and even #Mindfulness it was replaced by another "negative" emotion. I've been going through this for weeks and I just want it to stop. I want to have hope for myself again. I don't want waking up in the morning after stressing all night. I just want to make sure I can pay my bills. I want to feel like I'm not #Suffocating . Please someone tell me im not alone . #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

Does anybody else find that focusing on your issues destabilizes parts of your life they have no business affecting? Sometimes - most of the time - it's easiest to ignore them, cope with them by not looking directly at them, and just leave when a person tries to pathologize you and make their perception of your problem into your problem.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Paranoia #ImposterSyndrome #Worthlessness