2020

The head of the company I work for said that 2020 was like an antidepressant for the employees and the company at our now weekly staff meetings. My first thought for who? The shutdown for the COVID-19 began the same day I checked myself into a inpatient behavioral health facility. While spending my time wondering if all facilities are that useless, I watched the news learning that what epidemiologist said would happen had finally happened. As they they also predicted we were woefully prepared to handle it. After my discharge I learned because my mother is severely immunocompromised and has already had numerous respiratory viruses and infections leaving her with scar tissue and oxygen dependent. Her doctor her chances of survival COVID-19 were slim to none. So I’ve spent the latest year in a constant state of anxiety that she would get sick and die alone. My father never wanted me, and he’s dead. My grandparents are dead. My brother is dead. My older sister has her own family, and my little sister is pursuing her dream of becoming a doctor. My mom got her second shot on March 17th. I’m extremely grateful that we’ve always been able to be tested and have access to the vaccine. I know not everyone does. So no 2020 was not an antidepressant. It was like the anxiety that has always lived in my head playing out in front of me. My fears had become reality of all my family dying were real and very possible. I lost count of how many different antidepressant I’ve been on but 2020 definitely wasn’t one of them. I know this person to be arrogant, self-righteous, self-centered, proud and unfeeling. No one should be allowed to make light and further push those of living mental illness further into the shadows. The thing she knew where I had been so it stung that much more.

This night one year ago I had gone to the movies to see Frozen 2 with my partner, we had recently been to Melbourne for Christmas, on the way back there were fires forming and we did see smoke. Our city had had a layer of smoke surrounding it for some time now but nothing would prepare me for that night or the year to come.

I could smell something in the cinemas and I knew it was smoke, by the end of the movie there was smoke all through the room, we left and went to the parking machine, there was smoke throughout the shopping centre, people were coughing and covering their face, they were rushing to pay their tickets and get out. When we left it was like nothing I had ever seen, yes by now we were used to hazardous air, we were used to not being able to see long distances, we were used to the smell of smoke, the stinging eyes but this was different, apocalyptic is the only word that comes to mind. When I got to my car it had a layer of ash on it, it had rained ash. As I was driving it was so hard to see, it was like something out of a movie set in some bleak dystopian movie. I remember feeling upset and panicky on the way home, I was worried about my cats and the future. The next month or so was much of the same, we couldn't go out, I had a constant migraine. I felt depressed and anxious and I was hurting for everyone who had lost so much. The world was behind us and rallied together with support. When I could see fires on the mountain in the distance it became even more real. I felt anger and I just wanted it the end.

During this time there was also a severe hailstone that destroyed countless cars. My city had become a disaster zone with there being signs everywhere of what had happened. Cars that looked like they had been shot, damaged buildings and people just devastated.

Eventually it ended, we cout go outside and were free. But then it happened, COVID hit, we were now surrounded by empty super market shelves, fear and lockdowns. Again we were stuck inside, but at least we could now breathe. Time went on and at times it got worse, but we were lucky here. It did give me sort of a guilt knowing worldwide how much suffering it caused.

A year ago, COVID was new, it was something I lightly talked about over Christmas, a year ago we had fires, dust storms, terrible hail.

Now COVID is part of everyday conversation, there is more water in the areas near me, I still see cars that were damaged by the hail and it's a reminder to take nature seriously.

I wonder what I'll say in one year from now when I reflect back on 2021, I can only hope it's better. I can only hope my mental health doesn't decline as much as it did the last year. It was around October last year that I was triggered (scene on TV) and then with everything that happened I never really got better.

#Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #NewYears #2021 #2020

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you all are being safe and healthy this year. This time of year can be hard, but stay strong. We made it through 2020. We can make it through 2021.

Happy New Year! Let's make 2021 the year when we conquer all of our inner demons!

I would appreciate any encouragement and/it prayers This is my first time being let go from a job ever and I was excited about this one. I won't get into specifics...I've already spent plenty of time crying to the point of shaking and don't want to keep spinning circles in my mind trying to decifer what occured. 😞 Fortunately my husband is supportive and thinks the management made a poor choice and did not give me a fair chance. I believe good will come out if this and I may have been spared from more heartache and emotional stress which amplifies physical discomfort.
Thank you Mightiest, for being here💗

#CheckInWithMe #Fibromyalgia #JointHypermobilitySyndrome #Neuropathy #encouragement #2020