Adultchildren

I have an hour left on my birthday. I really did try really hard to navigate through today so it was not a complete bust. Didn’t sleep well last night so my day started with me just feeling crappy. Called a Warmline, cried and tried to share all the different things that contributed to why I didn’t sleep and why I felt so crappy. Could not articulate all my feelings, only the main one, extreme sadness.

After the call I managed to get out of bed and start my day dreading the calls to come. First the call from my mother, going through the fake cheer. Had to thank her for a gift of something I already have. Then the fake call from my sister. She couldn’t talk long because she had back to back meetings. Don’t know why she even bothered to call. I never hear from her. Then a call from my eldest brother. He wished me happy birthday then ask if I was at work. I’m on disability, been on it for 5 years. Had a part job that I haven’t worked at since the shut down last Nov. He then went on to talk about what’s going on in his life…I let him. Few hours go by my sister in law called. We had a nice chat….it took her over 30 min to try and get my other brother to take the phone..he was busy doing something. Eventually she said he will call later. He called a few hours later talked for a few minutes then somehow I was passed back off to my sister in law . That’s fine have more in coming with her anyways. Finally the last to call was my father…I guess it took that long for my mom to get him to call. I got a few texts, emails from “friends”. This is the annual play.

I had to stay at home waiting on the delivery for a gift of a new laptop from my loving family that I don’t need since I bought one months earlier because my old one crashed in Dec. So then UPS, the most undependable courier company to exist failed to deliver. So I wasted my day waiting on a delivery/gift that has to be returned anyway. So I could not even leave the house and at least redeem a part of my day. Now I will have to do the same tomorrow. It hard to not start to wonder if UPS is in league with my family.

I know this post probably sounds like meaningless ramblings of nothing too outrageously hurtful or bad. I might even think so if I only read it thinking this only happened once, or it only happenes on my birthday. My family doesn’t even know why I’m on disability in any detail, if they do they sure as hell didn’t hear it from me. They never ask, never talk about it. They don’t want anything of what’s really going on in my life. As one brother said to me a few years ago “it’s not relevant”.I guess I’m not relevant. At the time he was trying to convince me l needed to join a gym. Just some random solution he came up with on his own which would solve all my problems that he knows nothing about.

Read the letter in link and then some of you may get why I titled this post fear of love. For me it explains why I do.

www.eggshelltherapy.com/freearticles/2018/12/05/fearoflove

My 36 year old daughter returned my texts from about a week or 2. She contacted some time between Christmas and New Years.
Back story, she was given a diagnosis about 4 years ago, for her mental health. She chose not to seek treatment. I did the whole pick up from county and bring her home about 3 years ago. Day 3 of staying with me. She became very hateful. I told her she wasn't going to stay with me if she was going to treat me that way. I end up with a black eye. Following day get a restraining ord. A week or 2 after it expired. 2 years was the length of the RO. I ask her what she needs and she tells me that I'm the only one that understands her. I had just started therapy. I asked her if she was receiving help. She came up with some reason of why in 2 years time, she didn't attend any type of help.
Any way, Christmas. She text me wanting to know names of men that abused me before she was born. I wrote her text explaining she didn't need to worry about that. They were both dead. A few days later I remembered her saying she needed closure. It hit me she may have been suicidal. So I text her and let her know I wanted to see if she was feeling better. That she was in my prayers. This evening I get a text from her telling me she didn't want my prayers, that if I didn't give her f***ing money she was going to delete my number and never speak to me again. It didn't end there, but after a few more insults. I blocked her from texting my phone.
I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up, but part of me keeps saying I'm her mom and I should try to help. I've told her in the past that I'm not a professional and that's what she needs. I buried 2 infant sons before her birth and she is my 1 and only. Give me your thoughts. Thank you for listening.
#CheckInWithMe #DistractMe #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Depression #Anxiety #Christianity #Family #Adultchildren #wherenow

I wish that I could look at you with empathy
Sometimes I feel like I've become what you were scared to be
Which makes it really hard to look at you with sympathy
'Cause if I'm feeling bad for you, then I have to feel bad for me
That's why I'm always looking down on you, I know it hurts
But
I'll be here for you if things get worse #Lyrics #Love #52SmallThings #Addiction #Anxiety #Depression #ACOA #Adultchildren