Agoraphobia

I am not doing well. My anxiety has been ramped up, my panic attacks have been pretty bad lately.

The cost of living is becoming really burdensome. I have already felt like I am a burden because I cannot work and only have an income less than $1,000 a month from SSI. I’m 39 years old and want nothing more than to manage my conditions and return to work in some capacity.

I have been trying to do a few different approaches for trauma therapy and my trauma therapist is amazing. Unfortunately she doesn’t work within the insurance system. We were able to afford the private therapy for awhile but now we cannot. I have luckily been able to get a grant to cover the last several months, but that will run out soon.

I am going to have to stop or significantly reduce my trauma therapy. I don’t know how I am going to be able to work through my trauma, but I’m just going to have to.

My bf asked to borrow some money from his mom and she lectured him about how I need to work or move in with my mom (and if you saw my more recent post about my mom- we all know that is not an option). He has never borrowed money from her before, and we have told her in great detail my health problems. I had a feeling she wasn’t listening because she never really acknowledged what I said, and would just make a comment about something else.

I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to be seen as an object that can just be moved so me and my disability are someone else’s problem. Obviously and thankfully, my bf is not going to stand for that. But the hurt is still there because people don’t see my worth and haven’t seen I became disabled. The stigma is really bad for people with disabilities and it’s honestly getting so much worse.

The idea that I should just move somewhere else is a common refrain I have heard since being disabled. My friends and their families kept deciding what was an option for me and often would just tell me to move somewhere else, which would not fix my problem at all. It’s hurtful, so hurtful, that this is coming up again. I am so tired of not feeling like a person because I have chronic conditions. I’m tired of the way people have treated me. I’m so upset that this is coming up again.

Before I became disabled, I was respected by my friends and family. I have no idea how my value seemingly did a 180 because of my disability status. And honestly- if health insurance wasn’t as big of a deal here as it is, I would have significantly less things to worry about. I would be more likely to return to work sooner because I wouldn’t be worried about how much it costs to keep me alive and if the job I take will provide adequate and affordable health care for someone who will still need treatments, medicine, and support on a consistent basis.

Not only that, as a previously unhoused person, I am very triggered about the comments and policies that are happening around the United States about the unhoused population. I am so scared I’m going to end up homeless again. So scared. And this time, I wouldn’t just go hungry and without adequate living conditions. Social safety nets and programs to help people like me already were lacking (especially with housing) before these cuts. Now there is talk of sending the National Guard to other cities, including in my state.

I went downtown with my boyfriend this weekend and we saw people who are unhoused sleeping where they could; and i couldn’t help but feel so scared for them, and for people like me. I am so scared.

Please note this is not a political post. I am not engaging in a discourse about how my triggers are related to politics and what my reality is. I am also venting and will talk to my therapist about this, as she has a bigger picture of my circumstance and options.

While i appreciate advice, today I need support.

#MentalHealth #ADHD #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Disability #ChronicIllness #Trauma #CheckInWithMe

I had therapy today; we did IFS. It was hard and I was very dysregulated.

Historically, my mom and I have had a rocky relationship. We are very different in our approaches to things and ways of thinking.
Some of my trauma stems from my childhood. My mom and her husband have been together for a long time- maybe 25 years? Her husband was abusive to me when I was a child and I easily spotted his lies as a teen. Him and I hardly have a relationship and we can’t be in the same room together for very long. My mom didn’t defend me and didn’t see the things he did as abuse until I explained it later to her as an adult who is good at advocating for herself.

I live in Ohio, my mom lives in Indiana. A couple of months ago she told me her husband was cheating on her. She said it but kind of dropped it until last week when she told me again and said she was thinking of leaving him. We talked about it a little bit and I told her to move back home because there is no reason for her to stay in Indiana. I told her she could stay with us since we have an extra room.

She called me about an hour ago. She is leaving her husband in October and moving in with us. We will come up with a plan then.

I am a little concerned because my mom doesn’t go to the doctor, is a tobacco smoker, and also is a heavy drinker. She has experienced trauma but I think she has numbed herself to it. She also struggles with anxiety. It makes me cry when I think of what my mom has had to go through and I wish i could encourage her to go to therapy or AA. She doesn’t want to go to therapy and I don’t think she would go to AA, even if I went with her.

I guess we will see what happens. I hope I can make the best out of it. 😬

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #CheckInWithMe

Alot o disabled f people in chronic pain seek acceptance and understanding . I did in the beginning the explanation of why I am compromised physically people who were close to me deserved a type of explanation or so I thought. I'm not one of those guys who thinks misery loves company I deal with my sickness on my own I did have to see a physicatrist for the Agoraphobia and suicidal ideation.

So you want everyone to know and understand what your going through you want to feel validated But you don't have to. One more person understanding your sickness isn't going to make your sickness any better. That's why we have this forum and we can let it all out with people who are in the same predicament and here we can feel validated without over explaining but again we shouldn't spend time trying to get friends and family to fully understand that way it makes it easier to stand strong alone. Just my take on having a chronic lifetime illness the idea self reliance is huge I lost all my friends and even my friend of 40yrs doesn't feel I deserve to be on disability even after I told him I have late onset Muscular Dystrophy.#OCD #MDD #Anxiety #DDD #Cronic pain#MuscularDystrophy #ChronicIllness

Hi!
I have a question for other people with chronic illnesses who see a number of specialists.

I have two therapists, a psychiatrist, a case manager (finally!), a primary care doctor, a neurologist, and an autonomic specialist. Most of my symptoms come from unrelenting panic attacks and high anxiety which trigger severe intractable migraines. The autonomic specialist is helping with the symptoms more related to pots- movikity, nausea, lightheadness, dizziness, fast heart rate, etc.

I’m on a number of medications to treat multiple conditions. I am medication hesitant; my providers know and I discuss my fears with the people who prescribe anything so I can feel comfortable taking it.

There have been far too many times where someone (a medical professional) who doesn’t understand the complexity of my conditions and the severity of my symptoms try to tell me I’m on “too many meds.” Which just starts the fear all over again. I end up spending my sessions trying to talk to my therapist about if I “really need it” or if I am “damaging my brain.” I talk to my psychiatrist about seeing if I can reduce my medication yet (I cannot, we still are trying things out). Not only that- probably almost half of my meds are as needed- especially for panic and migraines.

I may have told this story on here before, but last year a pharmacist wouldn’t let me pick up my adhd medication unless I explained why I need it. (BTW- I specifically request the psychiatrist test me for this because I’ve had the diagnosis but never was tested, and i wanted proof before I started meds again). I told him to talk to my psychiatrist because she advocates for me and I’m tired of explaining over and over again why I am on what meds. I was able to pick up my meds by the end of that day and my psychiatrist reported him because there was no interaction and I have been taking these meds for awhile and picked them up from that pharmacy.

Last week , someone from insurance asked me to explain my meds and why I am on them. And now I’m recycling these fears and know that my trauma therapist and I are going to have to work through that fear again.

I’m going to type out a document with all of my medications and what they are used for because it really does activate me and make me less likely to take my as needed medications like I’m supposed to.

My question is: Does anyone else experience this frequent request to justify their medications to not just all the service providers, but also other people who are “involved” but don’t know me (pharmacist, insurance people, intakes to get new services)? Does anyone else get triggered when this happens? Is it just me?

Thanks to anyone who read through my long essay on being afraid to take my as needed meds, again. ❤️

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Migraine #ChronicVestibularMigraine #ChronicIllness #Disability