Amphetamine Dependence

I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids. We had a perfect life. The house. The nice car. A nice job. A place of our own. Happiness. A strong relationship. Then one night I made an irrational impulsive decision. A five minute scenario that cost me everything. And landed me with a criminal record, a loss of my job, a lack of income, an eviction notice, a busted transmission on my car and no way to fix it. And now My family falls asleep at the shelter each night. Case workers. Action plans. Meetings. Curfews. Room checks. I had the American dream, the picture perfect life. And now I have nothing to show for it. My children don’t have a room of their own. My relationship is constant arguing. I’m an asshole. I say things I don’t mean. I’m resentful. I’m depressed. I’m suicidal. I can’t enjoy the small things. I compare everything to how it used to be. The only time I’m not planning a means of ending my life is when I’m under the influence of drugs. I used to get high at shows, at festivals, with friends and my wife to have fun. Now I get high to feel anything but reality. I hurt all the time. I hate my life and im to blame for this struggle. My choices not only affected me but they affect my kids and my wife. I just wanna be high. I feel awful because I can barely enjoy my children anymore. Their smiles and laughter just makes me ache now. I don’t have a home. I let my family down. I never see my wife anymore, she’s working a dead end job that takes up all her time. I have no purpose. I don’t see anything getting better. Everyday is the same. I just wanna be high, I don’t wanna wake up. I don’t wanna feel. I don’t wanna think. I don’t wanna tell people how badly I want to hurt myself or die and them not truly understand the extent of just HOW BADLY I want things to end, but the fear of the afterlife, the possibility of a hell, letting my family down, keeping me in fear from acting out on it. But one day I won’t give a shit. I know I won’t be high forever. And god knows I’ll miss my kids. But I can’t do it. And I’ve never told the public. I’ve never spoke out on it. But fuck. I can’t do it. I can’t keep pushing through these days with this weight upon my chest. Fake smiles. Pointless conversation. Lack of connection to anyone and anything. Lack of purpose. Lack of motivation. #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Selfharm #Suicide #SuicideOnTheBrain #SocialAnxiety #Grief #Guilt #Parenting #LGBT #Death #CocaineDependence #OpioidDependence #AmphetamineDependence #HallucinogenDependence #SubstanceRelatedDisorders