Asperger's

Hi, my name is SurroundedByNeurodiv. I'm here because I need support and advice. My father had Aspergers, and I watched my parents both suffer with a very difficult marriage right until the end of their lives. Now I find myself in a similar situation. I am married and we have 5 kids. It was always a bit of an awkward relationship, but I am the kind of person who will give everything (a martyr - not necessarily a good thing) in order to help those around me thrive. And I truly thought that with time, things would improve in our marriage.
All 5 of my kids are wonderful but super hard work. It can be exhausting. But truly, my husband is the most hard work. All our kids have received DX of ADHD and Anxiety Disorders, exactly the same as my husband. One of my sons also has Aspergers. It's mild, but it's still there.
This AuDHD thing really got me thinking differently .... About my son but also about my husband. (In fact about his whole family!) My husband's mental health has always been very bad, and he's gotten a lot of help for it but it's still a huge burden on me. He is emotionally quite unstable. He leans on me a lot. And I cannot reciprocate as he doesn't understand most things and it is exhausting and frustrating trying to explain everything to him, only to have the situation remain the same. So I have learned to keep my emotions and problems to myself, or share with other friends instead of him. I am a strong and patient woman, but it's wearing thing. He has sensed that I am detached, and isn't happy about it.
After seeing the positive effect of medication on our kids, he finally got himself officially diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety too. The doctors were absolutely astounded by him, that he was still walking and talking and yet wasn't medicated, because he so clearly was 'off the charts' for the diagnostic criteria. The medication has helped him some, but not completely. He's had years and years of therapy, but all rather general CBT and certainly none that recognised the neurodivergence. He masks it well. Some other things have been flagged, some narcissistic traits for example, but even I could see that wasn't the full picture. So I've been researching more and more about AuDHD (combo of ASD and ADHD) and wow ...... This is it. I think he is close to being able to see it for himself, he even suggested he do some testing. I don't know what to expect. I mean, of course he will receive a positive score, it's hard to 'unsee' this now. And of course I am hoping that this realisation/diagnosis will bring better self reflection for him and especially for his role as husband and father .... But I am trying to be realistic. Many times I feel I am holding on by a thread lately. And I don't know if or how this can be improved. I'll have a look on here for some groups ...... Feel free to point me in the right direction!

#MightyTogether