black-and-white thinking

It’s the hardest for me to work on. I learned many years ago the difference between guilt and shame. While guilt is “I have done something bad,” shame is “I am bad.” If you are like me who has dealt with shame since I was a small child it became a part of my identity and became the excuse for everything negative in my life. People are treating me horribly because there is something wrong with me. This person said this horrible thing to me because I am so flawed. I believed I was the reason for all these types of happenings. It took years of practice to finally get in the habit of saying to myself. “It isn’t me, it is them.” I hold and have held myself to the standard of being compassionate and kind as I possibly can be to others. I could not treat myself with that same level of compassion and kindness. Instead for decades my default was to be hypercritical of myself and to treatment myself harshly at all times. What freed me from this cycle was something very simple. Someone asked me, “Colin, if your best friend was struggling what would you say to them? How would you treat them.” “It is time for you to start treating yourself the same way.” It has been a struggle, for my Borderline symptoms, PTSD symptoms sometimes still get the best of me. I have had to practice being compassionate to myself despite how unnatural it feels. Black and white thinking especially gets me into trouble with how I treat myself. Practicing positive affirmations during my Ketamine treatment has also really helped and helps solidify seeing myself in a more positive light. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #BlackandwhiteThinking #Shame

So I’ve been talking to this new guy, and I think I like him. But yesterday we were talking and he randomly stopped responding for 2 hours. Ofc I start spiraling and wanted to hurt myself. Although I tried to talk myself down to “maybe he’s busy”, but my brain couldn’t register that at all. So I ended up taking sleeping meds while also spamming him asking why does he hate me. I took the sleeping meds so I wouldn’t further catastrophize and do something more risky… 2 hours later her texted me saying he took a nap. Mighty friends, how do you deal with this? How do you stop your mind from thinking the absolute worst and reacting to it? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #catastrophize #Anxiety #BlackandwhiteThinking #Depression #PTSD

This has helped me, so I’m sharing in the hope it may help someone else...

I’ve been watching YouTube videos by Marsha Linehan who developed DBT. The way she talks about BPD makes me feel understood and hopeful for the future.

There is a YouTube channel called BorderlineNotes, and they have a playlist of 27 short videos which I recommend.

A quote of hers from another video on the Family Action Network channel that opened my mind was “if you mix black and white what happens? Almost everyone will tell you you get grey... but in DBT you get plaid (tartan)” this made me see that my black and white thinking needs to bring together, integrate and accept both sides of the equation rather than suppress or compromise.

I’m going to talk to my therapist about the DBT skills Marsha talks about and how I can learn them. I hope this helps even one person out there, we all need hope ❤️

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BlackandwhiteThinking #DBT #Hope #RadicalAcceptance #DistressTolerance

The paranoia is starting up again. While I'm laying in bed trying to sleep for work I keep hearing my boyfriends Facebook messenger go off. This is the most I've heard it go off. I'm just wondering, "who the hell keeps texting him?" And I'm getting angry. Why? I seen he still has Kik on his phone and I think Snapchat. Why does he need those apps? All these messenger apps? Especially Snapchat, Snapchat is so shady. It's just bothering me. Maybe because I never have anyone reaching out to me so my brain automatically makes me think something is going on. It also makes my trust disappear while I start getting paranoid and overthink. I've been trying lately to think of more positive, reasonable things to these kinds of situations but my brain doesn't seem to want to fix it's way of thinking right now. Just wants me to think the worst.
It got bad the other day when we had sex too. I've just been bottling it up inside. Generally he likes to take personal pictures for himself but he filmed a video. And for some reason my trust has vanished and I keep thinking he's sending these to whoever he's talking to. I spent more time thinking how shady this seems than enjoying myself with him. And didn't bother bringing it up because I didn't want to ruin the mood or upset him. It's slowly building up my anger and I feel like I'm about to have that meltdown on him I usually have every 4 months. It's currently been 6 months since I last started a fight with him and doubting his faithfulness. I have been trying so hard to work on my emotions and it has been going so well. But now all of a sudden it's quickly going downhill. Maybe it was the video he took? Or all the messaging apps? I don't know, I'm just trying so hard not to lose myself again...
#Relationships #SexAndRelationships #Sex #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BlackandwhiteThinking #Paranoia

I feel like I've accidentally pissed off my kitchen manager and now it feels like she hates me. Last week or so she came into work while I was getting ready to leave my shift and she said something about the cooler always needs 3 buckets of dough at all times. I told her I just took one out and rolled some dough balls for her. Then she repeated herself, then I repeated myself. And then she gave me the silent treatment and I swear I could feel an aura from her that just made me feel so uncomfortable. I don't know if I'm the one who misunderstood her or she did me. She would have had to make dough anyways, all of it expired at 2 pm.
Yesterday I made some extended bakery items, mainly just filled what was completely gone by the register. This morning I get in and see all these notes on the weekly papers we use to track what we make and it just felt so passive-aggressive. I felt like she was calling me stupid. Although she was probably just letting me know what I did wrong. She also wrote in everything I had to make for extended bakery and for the second time wrote, "NEED TO WORK ON EXTENDED BAKERY." And then I saw the amount of everything she wanted me to make, I instantly got pissed and started freaking out. Freaking out that I wouldn't get everything done within 5 hours. She wanted me to make at least 2 of each, and I can't remember everything there is but it's a lot. In the end, somehow I did get done just a few minutes after the end of my shift. Somehow I've been getting faster, not quite sure what has changed. But I'm still annoyed. I feel like she hates me and she's punishing me. That's why she wanted me to bake at least 2 of everything. Maybe she wanted me to stay late and not get done on time. Maybe she likes seeing how stressed I get at the end of my shift. I don't know..
Aside from all that my boyfriend told me afterwards some guy at his job said his kid might have COVID but won't know until the tests come back. And he doesn't know when that'll be so he gets the week off work until then. I guess I'm a little paranoid because that means he was exposed and now I have been. I can't remember last time I really got sick though. A little part of me wishes I could get sick, just to get time off work. I just want to sleep. I have nothing to look forward to but work now. There's nothing to do...
#BlackandwhiteThinking #COVID19 #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

Currently sitting in the office waiting for 40 minutes until the taxi can pick me up because my boyfriend is a piece of shit. He did this to me all the time when I worked at walmart, he knows it pisses me off.
He asked if I'd be done at 10:30 and I said yes. I ended up getting done a little earlier so let him know, he didn't respond. I called, no answer. Currently I have called him like 15, maybe more times and sent him so many rude messages and that don't bother asking me anymore.
Seriously how does someone sleep through all of this??? I'm a heavy sleeper too but just one phone call wakes me up. And he always blames it on the dog. This is so ridiculous. The taxi is expensive but seriously, I don't need you if you're going to keep doing this. He did this to me yesterday too and had to wait just as long. When I want to go home after work, I WANT TO GO HOME.
And he never sleeps right away in the morning after work anymore, but now I have this job all of a sudden he does??? Whatever... I'm so done. I cannot stop screaming in my head
#Work #Relationships #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BlackandwhiteThinking #Angerissues

Ever since I was a child I have been getting preyed on or treated horribly by every guy left and right. I had a couple of great guy friends growing up, but that was it. I even had guys threaten to ki** me when I was just a kid, and now I see not much has still changed at 22.
This still constantly happens online and in real life. But it's happening online a lot again and it may be my fault. I was starting to feel really alone and depressed because I have no one but my mom and boyfriend to talk to so I decided I wanted to try social media again, but not go back to Facebook. I found something else, Fubar. It's not just like Facebook, but it's also a game. I don't know how to explain it but it's a game. I was really enjoying it for the first couple of days, had some good conversations with a few guys, was having fun playing the game. And then these nasty comments start building. Today is my 4th day on the site and I already think I'm going to delete it.
Having guys left and right sending me disgusting messages, and mind you these aren't just young boys. They are men. From 40-60. There are not many people my age on it so I guess I thought it would be a better site than Facebook since everyone would be older and more mature, clearly not. These old men being creepy are bringing back memories from when my dad's friend touched me when I was young.
And now here's one guy that made me officially snap. He was nice at first, but confusing. His conversations were different every time and made zero sense so I was getting pissed. He said he wanted to know everything about me then proceeded to change the topic and again made no sense. I snapped, told him to f**k off. I like my conversations to make sense and not constantly change the topic every time I respond. He would ignore what I replied back and change the topic. He comes back with a "You're a wh**e with no t**s and no wonder no guys love you." Then I said tell that to my boyfriend of 5 years. Then he comes back with, "You're boyfriend is gay that's why he's with someone with no t**s. Go f**k your dogs since they're the only ones that love you." I did block him after that but now it's constantly repeating and now I'm contemplating breast surgery again, I've always hated how small my chest is. And after that, I've so far gotten a few guys yet again explaining what they'd do to me and saying I'm so s**y and now I'm just telling each of them to p**s off and I'm not in the mood for this again. And then blocking.
It's sad that my brothers and my boyfriend are the only men in my life that have been nice to me, all the others are terribly rude or just treat me like a piece of meat. Or they are nice to me and get to know me and I think, "Wow, I made a friend." And that thought quickly changes and goes downhill to them being perverted a-holes. I have tried so hard to not say all men are bad. But I have yet to get proven wrong. #BlackandwhiteThinking #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

Ever since I was a child I have been getting preyed on or treated horribly buy every guy left and right. I had a couple of great guy friends growing up, but that was it. I even had guys threaten to kill me when I was just a kid, and now I see not much has still changed at 22.
This still constantly happens online and in real life. But it's happening online a lot again and it may be my fault. I was starting to feel really alone and depressed because I have no one but my mom and boyfriend to talk to so I decided I wanted to try social media again, but not go back to Facebook. I found something else, Fubar. It's not just like Facebook, but it's also a game. I don't know how to explain it but it's a game. I was really enjoying it for the first couple of days, had some good conversations with a few guys, was having fun playing the game. And then these nasty comments start building. Today is my 4th day on the site and I already think I'm going to delete it.
Having guys left and right sending me disgusting messages, and mind you these aren't just young boys. They are men. From 40-60. There are not many people my age on it so I guess I thought it would be a better site than Facebook since everyone would be older and more mature, clearly not. These old men being creepy are bringing back memories from when my dad's friend touched me when I was young.
And now here's one guy that made me officially snap. He was nice at first, but confusing. His conversations were different every time and made zero sense so I was getting pissed. He said he wanted to know everything about me then proceeded to change the topic and again made no sense. I snapped, told him to fuck off. I like my conversations to make sense and not constantly change the topic every time I respond. He would ignore what I replied back and change the topic. He comes back with a "You're a wh**e with no tits and no wonder no guys love you." Then I said tell that to my boyfriend of 5 years. Then he comes back with, "You're boyfriend is gay that's why he's with someone with no tits. Go fuck your dogs since they're the only ones that love you." I did block him after that but now it's constantly repeating and now I'm contemplating breast surgery again, I've always hated how small my chest is. And after that, I've so far gotten a few guys yet again explaining what they'd do to me and saying I'm so sexy and now I'm just telling each of them to piss off and I'm not in the mood for this again. And then blocking.
It's sad that my brothers and my boyfriend are the only men in my life that have been nice to me, all the others are terribly rude or just treat me like a piece of meat. Or they are nice to me and get to know me and I think, "Wow, I made a friend." And that thought quickly changes and goes downhill to them being perverted assholes. I have tried so hard to not say all men are bad. But I have yet to get proven wrong. #BlackandwhiteThinking #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety

On Monday I didn't show up to work, because I forgot she said I did the week before but didn't put it on my schedule. And I had this week off, I go back tomorrow. Not sure why I wasn't scheduled any other days, well on the old schedule I'm supposed to be working today.
I double-check my schedule on the app to make sure it hasn't changed again, and no. I still work tomorrow. But then I check for next week's schedule and she changed it. I went from 20 hours down to 12 hours. And on one of the days, I'm scheduled to work for 2 hours.
TWO HOURS FOR SOMEONE THAT HAS TO PAY $20 FOR THE TAXI BOTH WAYS. I am sorry, excuse my language because seriously.. WHAT THE FUCK.
Did she seriously just purposely drop me all because of Monday??? She told me when she hired me she needed a full-time baker too because she doesn't even have a baker much less full time. This is a joke. Already reminding me of when I first worked at Dollar General.
The manager there would only give you more hours based on your performance although I worked my ass off she barely gave me 15 hours a week. I seriously hate managers.
Remember when I said the manager is really nice? Clearly now she's showing her true colors. And I really hope this doesn't continue or else I'm worried I'll have to look for a new job, again. My boyfriend is already pissed I barely worked this week, saying I need more hours, tell her I want at least 32 hours a week.
And yes, I did talk to my manager about it and we even had agreed on that. Clearly she lied. They keep telling me they don't want to lose me but now it just sounds completely fake and they could care less considering not giving someone hours on a crappy paying job is a great way to lose someone.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BlackandwhiteThinking #dissociativedisorders #Work #Anxiety #anger

I’ve been feeling a little numb these last couple of days. I don’t feel as depressed as before, but with all that’s happening with Covid-19, my ongoing family issues, and my ever changing relationships, I feel like I’m living on survival mode all over again. I’m happy to say that I have had some good moments in all of this. For a number of days, I actually felt happy for the first time in a while. I still struggle with the my feelings though. Sometimes the grey areas fade away and then everything is black and white. But more than anything else, all I want right now is a hug. #MentalHealth #feelings #SocialDistancing #SurvivalMode #BlackandwhiteThinking #Feelingnumb #numb #happymoments #COVID19