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Walking a Elder Couple Through Age Decline
I wish this article would start with better news but we will all die, eventually. This is part of life. The best we can do is make every moment count, align our lives with purpose, and walk each other home respectfully.
As a hospice and dementia caregiver, I am often faces with how to address the pink elephant in the room, while staying true and authetic. As a caregiver, I struggle the most with couples care. This is usually when one person, who is my client, is still living with their partner, yet their partner is in better health and physical condition than them. This is the optimal situation that one could want, gracefully aging with their partner. Yet, sometimes one cannot physically turn, assist, or care for their partners needs.
This is when I step in. My personal goal is to help someone stay at their best, as long as they can and even after, to help them stay in good physical and mental condition as long as possible. Sometimes, a partner, who truly does have good intentions, is not as aware of physical or mental limits or conditions that one has or they may be aware, but in denial.
This can be extremely challenging…..sometimes even resulting in the elderly abusing drugs and alcohom or the “healthier” elder partner to belittle their partner due to their lack of follow through or lack of strength. In these cases, it’s very important for me to be the voice for my client while addressing what the partners concerns are, such as, “When I was here on Monday, Mrs. Smith was walking to the mailbox and Wednesday she walked to the front door, so it’s okay if she only walked to the driveway, today. I can tell she is trying her best.” Health is many peaks and valleys, as we ebb and flow. We need to try to address compassion, as sometimes someone is really just unfamiliar with how to accept someone’s changing condition.
It’s also important to understand that sometimes a partner is already in the process of actively grieving the loss of their partners body or mind. They may have thought they would retire and be able to travel to Italy to enjoy the sunset overlooking the coast, but now, they are watching their partner lose proper body functions or loss of movement in their joints. Everyone ages different.
When someone is actively dying or declining, it can be easy or common for someone to release anger onto their loved one, whether healthy or not. As a caregiver, it is important to address these mental health changes, along with the physical ones. “Mr. John Smith, I know you used to walk all the way to the bathroom but while you are on new medicine and recovering from your hospital stay, maybe you should use the bedside commode, instead. Would that be okay? Mrs. John Smith knows you are still adjusting to coming home.” Keeping the conversation open and normalizing smaller changes is helpful, even if they aren’t good changes.
The best we can do is keep our hearts kind and gentle towards these changes, while helping the individual keep as much independence and self-respect, as we walk them home with their loved ones.
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