dysphoria

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3rd puberty

When I went through puberty as a young girl, I felt trapped in the wrong body. I didn't think I'd ever be free from the nightmare. But then I started testosterone 8 years ago. And my period stopped. And my voice cracked and then deepened. And I became a hairy man beast. And I got pimples.

But 3 years ago I stopped taking testosterone. I started taking norethindrone to stop my period. That's the most important thing to me.

4ish months ago I started taking it again but this time it's a higher dose. My voice is cracking, my facial hair is thicc like pudding, and my poor face and chest are full of pimples. I'm also gaining weight like crazy.

I didn't have much of a choice about restarting testosterone. My hormones bottomed out. It was either testosterone or estrogen. I'm not a girl. So yeah.

#Transgender #Dysphoria

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Ugh

My hair is way too long. It's making my dysphoria really bad. @pauleyholm and I are overdue for haircuts. I was gonna see if we could go next weekend.

I'm feeling very fat and worthless and ugly. I logically know I'm cute but I feel awful.

#Dysphoria

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You Don't Owe Passing

When I saw this image, it really resonated with me. Part of my denial as an egg, and what consistently plagued me to this day, is that I have been conditioned by the patriarchy to believe in the Beauty Myth. As a transfemme, I thought I wasn't good enough because I would be an ugly woman. I must overcome this inner criticism and grow my confidence, by assuring myself I don't owe anyone passing. I'm good enough as I am. In fact, I should love myself as I am. #Transgender #Dysphoria

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Ruminating on my health, can't sleep

This is the first time in my life that my physical health is a greater concern than my mental health, and while I'm glad that my mental health is actually pretty good, my physical health is not great. Currently working to get a diagnosis/treatment for everything I've dealt with since I was 6. Physical therapy next month to help the horrible headaches. Referral department sending me on a wild goose chase trying to find a specialty that will actually see me and diagnose me. Primary care thinks it's a collagen issue, so probably EDS, but she can't say for sure. All we know is that the pain and dysfunction has reached an intolerable peak these past months. I don't know if I meet the criteria for POTS, but I'm pretty sure I have some level of orthostatic intolerance. I haven't told my PCP about that yet, but I've only seen her once. And for the first time in my life it seems like I have someone who will actually listen and care and most importantly INVESTIGATE when I tell her that my heart races when I lie down.

And that's not even touching my want—no, need for a breast reduction. The mismatch between the real me that I see in my mind and the me that I see when I look in the mirror is freaking unbearable at this point. I'm terrified of surgery but it would be worth it to not feel like my body is an imposter. But I'm still scared of bringing it up with my doctor, scared of having to wait a long time to get it done, scared of not being able to get it done before I start grad school and having to meet yet another set of new people in a body that just isn't right. Scared of not being covered by insurance or of only finding doctors who want to push on me their own views of beauty rather than hearing what I want and need. This isn't about beauty for me, and it's definitely not about society. It's about a feeling of wrongness that stems from me alone, and wanting to correct that. I'm not trans but it really feels dysphoric.

#Insomnia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #breastreduction #Undiagnosed #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Dysphoria

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Getting Fat* with a history of ED/Anorexia #EatingDisorders #weightgain #Fatshaming #Dysphoria

First off I use the term Fat* as an empowering self identifier, based off the work of Roxanne Gay.

So i had an eating disorder in high school. I didnt gain weight from the time I was 12 to 15, and I was skinny, underweight. At 15 I started recovery and have been in remission for 5-6 years. In that time, my weight has almost doubled (for a bunch of reasons). In the last few months especially, I've put on a good share of that weight. I was fine with being plus size, at least when I was a Small Fat* (RG's term) and could hide the weight with looser clothes. Now I'm reaching the point where I can't. And I hate it and I'm ashamed of hating it bc I know there is nothing wrong with being my size. But I just feel ugly and unattractive and huge and I don't like how I look in just about anything. I have almost nothing that I had a year ago because it doesn't fit me/I dont like it anymore. Im uncomfortable in anything except pajamas and hate going on the bus because of the space I know I take up. I feel like I dont know how to express who I am which makes me feel like I don't know who I am. So I want to loose weight (just a few pounds) but my body won't do it which is bringing back fasting/restriction habits, especially since I have no apeptite and nothing sounds or tastes good (due to meds Im on and other disabilities I have). So in the last couple days, I've barely eaten anything and I don't want to because nothing sounds good, I'm rarely hungry and most of all because I dont want to gain weight.

And no one in my life understands. Everyone thinks I should be loosing weight (fat shaming) and that I just need to have discipline to eat and eat "healthily".

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On Positivity and Perfection

A little bit about me: I’ve lived with chronic depression since about 10 years old (ranging from dysphoria, or Persistent Depressive Disorder, to Major Depressive Disorder), raised in a religious family who was very anti-psychology/psychiatry. I’ve been on several different medications and combinations of medications, as well as different types of therapy. I’m currently in the most stable state that I’ve been in several years, and it’s allowing me to see my life from a different perspective, which I’d like to share some of.

Toxic positivity was one of the most painful parts of my childhood and young adulthood. My parents had no clue how to handle depression, and it showed. It was so devastating to be told that I just had a “bad attitude” or I “just had to smile”, when all I wanted was to be able to do exactly that!

Some of those things, while incredibly difficult to hear at the time, actually held a kernel of truth. Honestly, sometimes we do have to “fake it ‘til we make it”. Did you know that forcing yourself to smile actually leads to a chemical change in your brain that triggers positive feelings? It’s true! Also, many people in the medical field have attested that a positive attitude in critically ill patients can mean the difference between life and death. There are many benefits to positivity. It’s okay to put a smile on, even when you don’t feel like it, and no one should be shamed for trying to look on the bright side.

However, it’s important to realize that when the brain is set in a pattern of depression, these platitudes and “tricks” fall far short of being helpful. Where it becomes truly toxic is when someone tries to force their positive outlook onto someone else. Occasionally, a reminder of the positive things in life can be helpful, however, often when we’re going through something difficult, we just need someone to say, “Yeah, that sucks, and I’m here for you,” rather than to come up with some cliché platitude that’s intended to neatly cover up our wounds, like some sort of verbal bandaid. As though saying something “positive” is supposed to magically change the reality of unpleasant circumstances. Positivity can also become toxic when we use it to ignore the pain we’re in, both mental and physical. If we pretend everything’s fine, then we aren’t getting the help we need to heal, which allows things to fester and worsen.

Now, I’m going to take some liberties with the phrase, “Toxic Positivity”, because I’ve noticed a trend that has been bothering me, lately. In our well-intended attempts to encourage others, we’ve taken to assuming that everyone is perfect “just the way they are”. I’m sorry, but I just can’t get on board with that. See, I know that I’m not perfect. I have many areas of my life that I need to grow in, and I’ve seen that in everyone I’ve ever had a serious conversation with. In fact, I’m not even sure that I can honestly say that I’m doing my best. I want to think that, because that’s who I *want* to be, but at the same time, if I’m truly doing “my best”, then there’s no hope for anything better. No hope for growth. I’m stuck, and doomed to stagnate in this state of brokenness for the rest of my life. Talk about depressing!

However, if I allow myself to step back and look at my life as objectively as possible, I can see where I desperately *need* to change, and begin to plan how to make progress in that area. I’ve learned that change can be HARD. It can take much longer than I would like, and it might not be obvious to anyone else but me (maybe not even me, at first). However, the alternative, living a hopelessly stagnant life, is just something I’m not interested in.

All that to say, FYI: you’re not perfect. I don’t know how you treat those around you. I don’t know what your work ethic is like, or much else besides what you post on The Mighty, which is subjective at best. However, I know you have issues, because you’re human. Welcome to the club! You’re in great company! Does that mean you have less value as a person? Absolutely not! Does it mean that you aren’t worthy of respect? No! It just means that you are a living, breathing, *growing* human being, and as long as you continue to seek ways to grow to be a better person, you’re heading in the right direction. Personally, I think that’s better than perfection, because it’s something real and attainable, no matter where you’re at in life.

#Dysphoria
#PersistentDepressiveDisorder
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Depression
#ADHD
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Fibromyalgia

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Flipping The Script

The last post I wrote, I was in a #Depression episode because of the #BipolarDisorder . Now things have flipped and I’m in #Mania though it feels like #Dysphoria . I’m highly agitated and experiencing this desire to keep moving. I’m very frustrated and tired from the lack of sleep. Even my meds don’t seem to be working (especially the ones for sleep). Does anyone else experience irritability and frustration rather than euphoric happiness during mania?

#BipolarDisorder #Mania #Dysphoria #anger #Irritability

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I need help. Ever since coming out to my spouse and parents as trans I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.

It hits me really hard in the mornings and now I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and I am resenting my loved ones. I don’t know what to do. Is there any advice for me? #trans #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #Comingout #Dysphoria

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Started wearing makeup again!

I’m nonbinary and was hesitant to start wearing makeup again because my chest makes me present as femme, no matter what I do. But! It’s fun to wear, and I like it, so I’m not going to let dysphoria take that from me 🏳️‍⚧️ #nonbinary #Dysphoria #Positivity

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Burning the candle at both ends

I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I feel like I aged at least 5 years in 1 week. I have none of my antidepressant, none of my anti-anxiety, and on Tuesday the 14th my dad was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. He was in the hospital until Friday. Then we had his son and his kids here. That was okay. But I am so tired I am just not okay. Nothing to help me sleep nothing to help me relax and stay calm. My fear/anxiety manifests as either anger or straight up malfunction.
My husband is just as burned out. My mom is a wreck. My kids are always fighting. I am trying to work too. And put money aside to save for any medical treatment costs that my dads medical insurance won't cover.
I am so tired.
I just want to go to sleep. Wake up, and this will all have been one, long, intense nightmare. Can this just be a nightmare. Please? Make this a nightmare!
I am scared.
Migraines for a week and a half straight.
Can't this all be over?
#exhaustion #PancreaticCancer #Stress #Anxiety #Depression #nightmare ##Medication #money #moneyworries #Dysphoria #Migraine