I am the adult child of 2 addict parents. My father who is a workaholic & alcoholic. My mom who was an alcoholic & (undiagnosed) Bibpolar. My paternal grandfather is an alcoholic, & my maternal grandfather was a recovered alcoholic. My brother is an addict, & so are many of my family members. Addiction is a very prominent issue with generations before me.
As I grew up, mainly in my adolescence I smoked Cannabis to help cope mentally & emotionally with how fucked up my parents were. I had attempted suicide & failed 3x. I have deep permanent scars from years of cutting, & I LOVED a good dysfunctional relationship. I have quite literally tried all the “fun” drugs you can. LSD, Shrooms, Cocaine, Ecstacy, Hash, Opioids like Oxy & Morphine tablets, Ketamine, Hashish, Benzos.
As I grew up & matured though I parted ways with that kind of life style & the people associated with it. I’ve been estranged from my dad since I was 15. I still have a very rocky relationship with my mom. If it weren’t for my kids her & I wouldn’t talk, ever! I don’t have a relationship with hardly any other relatives either. Through years of therapy, psychiatric care, & a shit ton of self discovery & inward soul searching I’ve grown up & become a well adjusted person & parent more so than I ever thought I was capable of being.
I had a few good years of peace until 2012 when I was diagnosed with Pan Ulcerative Colitis. Since then it’s been an up & down battle with my health both physically & mentally. This September I was diagnosed with CRPS. It’s been a bitch! Between 2012-2020 I have also dealt with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, healing from my childhood & adolescence that caused pretty bad PTSD, & a new diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Through my years I’ve had unspeakable traumas that I worked through from molestation as a young child , drugged & raped in High school, drug/ alcohol induced black outs, & some serious, SERIOUS daddy/ abandonment issues. It’s been pretty fucking real.
Last year to this year I have come to the realization that I have an addiction to food. Food of all things! I find it quite funny but I see why. Food has always been a constant, & reliable comfort for me. I literally have a love/hate relationship with food. It sucks because I’m gluten intolerant & I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE desserts. I will sneak food I’m not supposed to have. I will spend $ I shouldn’t spend on food I shouldn’t be eating. It can be just as bad as a drug addiction. Instead it’s sugar & carbs which sugar in itself is pretty much a drug. Let’s be honest. There have been times that I have done so well in getting myself to a place with my IBD/IBS & due to stress. My biggest trigger is feeling overwhelmed. It gets so bad. It’s almost a type of self harm that I do to myself. I think the biggest struggle I have is that I can acknowledge what I do & why I do it, I know it’s not good or healthy, & I still can’t stop it sometimes. #foodaddiction #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD