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#IMPULSIVENESS #Depression #generalized #Anxiety #ADHD #CPTSD #BPD #OCD (compulsive shopping)

hey everyone..i posted a coup days ago about being very proud of myself for getting clean for a week..well i relapsed twice since then

i cannot control these impulses..if im j
not using then im online shopping and im not going to lie..i spend more then i make a month

im a caregiver so i make decent money and supposed to be saving up for a car. bc im 35 w licsense but no buying skin products, makeup,hair products

just anything that will make me look better and feel better..i actually spend more on online shopping then i do using..

idk how to fight the urges..when i got clean from meth i started biological dad got back in my life when i was on meth but didn't know I was using at the time

well he bought me any and everything i wanted..he was out of my life for my whole life and showed up in the hospital when i almost died from pumonia

well when i got clean from.meth..i was in severe withdrawal so i told him im getting clean from meth..he then stopped giving me money and buying me stuff

so i picked up on it and i wish he wouldn't have tried to buy my love bc all it has done is make me materialistic and know that his love isnt real for me..any suggestions on how to control impulsive behavior would help alot..and ty for reading my story..

19 reactions 22 comments

#ADHD #Depression #generalized ANXIETY # PTSD #Insomnia

is it just me or does anyone else experience body stiffness? is it from having illness or stress??

21 reactions 9 comments

Jury Duty

I was called for jury duty this next week. I'm having a bit of anxiety over it. I was called in the winter but got out of it because that was my busy season with my
Pet sitting business. Well, this coming week will also be busy with pets and doctor's appointments but I didn't think they would let me out twice so I didn't ask for another postponement. One of the doctor appointments is a brand new doctor that in my city takes months, and I mean months, to get into. That same day I have an appointment with my psychiatrist who is retiring so it will be the last time I see him. I've been treated by him for over 15 yrs! The third doctor appointment the next day is for my eye and I absolutely need to see the specialist that day to get the injection for the retinal vein occlusion I have to keep the treatment going on schedule so that I don't lose my sight completely. I'm not sure what to do. To attempt to reschedule everything will be a nightmare! The thing is I may not be called to go to the court house at all because I have a high number, but I'm not sure if I should count on that. If I get stuck being called in, I have to find coverage for the dogs, cancel my appointments and it would probably be for just sitting around because I'm sure no lawyer would want a chronically ill, bipolar person on their jury! ARGH! I already caused a mistrial 30 years ago when I was pregnant and went into preterm labor during a trial that the judge wouldn't let me out of saying a high risk pregnancy wasn't an excuse and there were no alternates. What a mess! Has anyone else been called for jury duty? What did you do?

#Bipolar II #generalized Anxiety #Fibromyalgia # Retinal Vein Occlusion #OccipitalNeuralgia

10 reactions 3 comments

Feeling worse than usual

I've been feeling worse than usual lately about my life and myself. I have #depression and #generalized anxiety disorder. I have no family of my own and no friends to speak of so therefore no support system. Finding it very hard to get out of my head. What can I do ?

18 reactions 5 comments
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#HEDS # deformed feet….hands d/t loss of connective tissue, #generalized Anxiety Syndrome #Percocet addiction #Poor outcome surgeries

Is there a way to communicate when I can no use fingers to text?

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Do Cry For Me

John 11:35. The shortest verse in the Bible.
Mary falls at Jesus' feet. "If you had been here, my brother wouldn't have died." Scripture says His spirit was moved and troubled by her sadness. He empathized with her and mourned with her His friend's death. Jesus knew what He was about to do and still felt the loss. Jesus had the power to breathe life back into Lazarus' long-dead corpse and still mourned with His friends and their friends.
He wept.

So, what does that matter now? Well, here are two main points that make our stories parallel the story of Lazarus:

1) After the resurrection, Jesus tells the disciples that they were no longer servants but friends. In John 15:13 Jesus says to the disciples that dying for a friend is the greatest act of love. Didn't Jesus die for the sins of the world and not just the disciples? I think so.

2) Jesus was human. He felt all of our emotions and feelings and empathized with us. One of the first things He says to the disciples after His resurrection was "Do you have some food?" He was afraid, begging God to rethink the plan to end His life.

Often, sermons focus on Jesus' great power to "resurrect" our lives like Lazarus'. But what if in some situations we aren't Lazarus? What if in some situations we are Mary? What if Jesus sees your suffering as you lay at His feet and feels troubled in His spirit? He has the ability to fix the problem, and He will somehow, but He still loves us so, so much that our pain hurts Him. Sometimes He feels it before we realize our pain is hurting us.

Jesus sees the hurts. Jesus feels the pain. And Jesus weeps.

#Christianity #Jesus #struggle #generalized Chronic Pain #Healing

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These Days

#generalized Anxiety Disorder

These days when I wake up okay, optimistic, appreciate the universe, the sun, the wind, the vegetation, hoping for a bright day ahead. A sound, slight, nothing-to-worry-about sound, sends me into a panic attack. I can't breathe, trembling, alone, sweating, uncontrollable thoughts, millions of them, crying, wailing, pools of tears on my bed, paralyzed, I can't move. I am now emotionally drained. no energy to go to class, wanna reach my phone and call for help, I can't. Even though something so minuscule started all this, I can't help it.

These days don't always start like this. I don't always envision them this way. My nights aren't better either, to think night time is the only time we think we will rest from all these negative thoughts and emotions, nightmares each time I close my eyes, my legs and hands wake me up at 4 a.m. shaking uncontrollably, my whole family jus got shot in front of my eyes, my friends have died a million times in nightmares These days. We will rise.



First post and it's a rant.

I've never posted about myself. I usually just read and post replies to others. But this month has been terrible. I'm supposed to have a knee replacement so I had an MRI. Well it showed something weird on my femur and tibia. So I had to have a bone scan. It showed the same thing and they basically didn't know what it is. So then I had my knee aspirated and blood work done to test for infection. No infection. Now I have to go to a Orthopedic Oncologist for a blood marrow test and a bone biopsy. They are checking for cancer. Ugh.

Then I had a Dr appointment for a 3 month long chronic cough without being sick. I had to have a pulmonary function test and a chest xray. Well somethings wrong with that too. Now I have to go to a Pulmonary Dr.

In addition to that I'm gaining weight from my psych med Abilify. I look like a big moose.

So all and all now I am depressed and anxious after I just got everything stabilized. Ugh. I'm falling apart. Lol.

Sorry for the long rant for my first post! Thanks for reading.

#Fibromyalgia #chronic pain # Bipolar #Migraines #generalized Anxiety Disorder
#back pain #Arthritis #Bipolar Depression #Insomnia