struggle

Every morning I wake up and lately I have wanted to just scream and cry, but I can't. Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over again? It's like you wake up and think, "Seriously, didn't I just do this all yesterday?"

I imagine most non depressed/anxious individuals think or feel nothing when their alarm rings, and they proceed to start their day. My mother is one of them. She is awake and making breakfast at the same time early in the morning. She thrives on God, church, taking care of others and accomplishing her daily goals. She is happy inside of her bubble no matter what life throws at her.

I on the other hand feel doomed the minute I open my eyes. It's been a difficult 5 years. Before that, it was 10 years and before that I was hard at work in grad school.

Yes, that would make me about 38 years old. I also still live with my parents despite graduating top of my class in undergrad and doing everything in my power to live a relatively 'normal life'. You know, the American dream. The life with the house, car and 2.0.0.5 fur-babies. (Ok, they are fur babies in my book because I know I cannot handle children on top of my other various health conditions. I don't think any child or person should have to endure the hereditary suffering I have, but more on that later.) There is more to the story but let's just say there isn't a tsunami of crazy life that I have not encountered.

I wake up every morning already feeling the stress of the day not even knowing I am conscious. Lately, most days I wish I could sleep more, take a drive by myself or just watch Christmas movies bundled in a comfortable blanket. Some days I give myself permission to do this. Yoga and music are often another great escape during these stressful times.

However mostly, I have felt hopeless that life will continue to be me waking up to yesterday's issues. The rat race of life becomes faster and faster and I become slower and older.

In the words of "Jeezy" in one of his infamous songs "Soul Survivor" I find some comfort that I am not the only one living like this. I quote, "This ain't a rap song, n****, this is my life, And if the hood was a battlefield, then I'd earn stripes (Yeah)".

It's just another day. It's just another day, everyday, every morning.

#mentalhealth #Depression #Anxiety #hopelessness #struggle #tired #stressed #MentalIllness #Survivor #jeezy #soulsurvivor #americanlife #Normality

The two weeks leading up to having to report to prison were two of the best weeks I had had in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they were also the scariest weeks. These two weeks I was able to start to get something missing from my life for a while, that being family. I convinced my mom, her husband, and my father to have Thanksgiving at my house. No small feat as my mom always spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with my sister. I played my dad’s favorite video game, Zombie Army 4, with him. Even purchased downloadable content to give us extra missions to play. I got my mom to go to a drive thru Christmas light display at a local theme park and went out for McFlurries after. The night before I had to report my dad and I watched The Santa Clause tv show until I fell asleep on the couch.

While in prison I spent a lot of time thinking how I could recapture that magic. The magic of family. I devised a plan, invited everyone for one meal a month at my house and to go out to eat with everyone once a month. Since it would be summer when I get out, I would invite everyone for a cookout. I would go with my mom to Kentucky again to see the Ark Encounter, Creation Museum, and an aquarium. I felt I had it all figured out. While I was in prison, my dad and mom let it slip that they got me a Moon Pod for Christmas something I wanted. Everything felt like it was going to as close to perfect as it could be and would capture the magic of the two weeks before I had to report.

The day I was released felt like it was going to be the start of a new and better life, it was set, a cookout at my house and I would get my Christmas present, the Moon Pod. When I got home the Moon Pod was already there waiting for me in my bedroom. I had gotten all I could ask for. Family for a cookout and a Moon Pod. The significance of the Mood Pod was that people had told me it helps with depression and anxiety. When my mom and her husband arrived at my house, she informed me she got me additional presents. Additional presents amounted to a lot of stuff. Stuff I didn’t really need, but the gesture of showing me she cared was nice. She honestly probably spent a lot of money. A few days later we all went to Cracker Barrel for supper. Everything seemed to be starting to turn out just how I envisioned it. The new month and a half contained several more cookouts, going to Cracker Barrel, and a few get togethers at my house. The magic family was alive again in my life.

That all changed last week. My mom is accused of not paying for merchandise on the bottom of her cart by a local grocery store. She doesn’t want me to know, but naturally she told my father, and he told me. She has no intention to get a lawyer. No intention to fight. So naturally I am left to think the worst. I never wanted all the things she bought me. If she is having money issues and that is the reason for her actions. All I wanted when I got out was the magic of family. I didn’t mean to make her feel like she had to buy me a ton of things for Christmas, family is all I truly wanted. Before this happened, I would get a ton of calls every day from her, now I get none. Before this happened, she would come into my work and talk for a bit after she got done at work every day, now she comes into give me receipts to scan into an app and says I have to go. I want her to use the money she saved for vacation and get a lawyer. I wish I had known she was buying me so much so I could have told her no. I wish I could have the family magic I was able to capture, but I fear that magic is gone forever. I feel responsible for the possible had decision she made. Now I feel broken and responsible for a past decision of someone else. I will always support my mom no matter what, as she supported me through my trouble.

July 25, 2023 - Bipolar Tater

#Family #MentalHealth #struggling #struggle

George Bernard Shaw said, “A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, ‘The one I feed the most’.”#Trauma #Love #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Lonliness #Sadness #Depression #Lonliness #self #Friends #Family #sad #Emotion #Life #MakeMeLaugh #Shame #Guilt #suffering #Pain #hurt #struggle #Happiness #peace #MightyMinute

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

Since I was diagnosted with BPD, I started being late to more and more appointments. While the years from school until 24 I was always a bit early. I really want to go back to being that person again, but how.. it now seems impossible. #struggle #Advice #Tips #Strategy