ImTrying

This entire thing has been rewritten because once I went to post it it disappeared completely. I thought it was important for me to document this so I took the time to get it put back together. I need to read this in the future.

Basically, somehow I ended up getting the energy to clean and reorganize my room.

I live in a ran down house. Cleaning isn't that rewarding. It used to be when I've lived other places but this is one of the houses that no matter what you do to it it still looks like poop. They always told me you can't polish a terd.

So because of that, and the extreme depression, I find it difficult to clean up like I should.

I used to love cleaning and reorganizing and decorating. It was fun.

Well tonight I managed to go to the kitchen and grab a trash bag, throw away all of the random odds and ends, everything from makeup wipes, to tealight candles, to insense sticks and water bottles. (atleast I'm staying hydrated)

I even found my insense holder so I can actually use that instead of sticking it into a random hole in the wall or in a candle that I should have thrown away a year ago but I haven't because my mom gave it to me and I've formed an attachment to it.

I wiped all the crud off of everything, including the ashes from the insense sticks. I put the dirty clothes in the hamper. I organized all my essential oils and I put all my hair stuff and my body sprays in one basket. I'll vacuum tomorrow because my boyfriend is asleep.

I also ran out of small trash bags so I got the empty cat food bag and pinned it up against the wall so I may be more likely to throw my stuff in there vs. the floor or the table beside me.

Yes, I know that's embarrassing. I am aware my depression has made me a lazy sack of shiz and I know I need to do better. I'm working on it. But I didn't come here to lie or beat around the bush. Depression and mental illness in general comes with a lot of embarrassing baggage that people dont talk about, and that doesn't even scrape the surface.

I guess I'm grateful that my mind has given me a break and allowed me to get up and clean. It looks a lot better and I feel better. I really do. It was worth it. I have to remember that this is how I feel right now so that I'll keep doing it. I'm also grateful that my mind has allowed me to see the things im grateful for. It may not be much but atleast I have a roof over my head. I've got food in the fridge, a bed to sleep in, and thankfully the air is working a little bit better now so it's not 93 degrees in here like it was last summer.

I've got the fan blowing directly on me and a cold drink on the clean table beside me. I've got someone who loves me sleeping right beside me, and a future full of possibilities. I'm safe. I can upgrade in the future but right now I'm okay. I feel okay. I just wish I could wakeup tomorrow and feel this at peace. My emotions are always up and down.

I live for days like today where I do give myself a break and feel at peace and okay.

So, people say you can't polish a terd. I think they're wrong. You can polish a terd. You just gotta stay humble. I need to remember that and apply it to many things in my life. Things will get better. I have hopes I will get better. Hopefully that will see me through.

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Motivation #cleanup #grateful #Stayhumble #Blessed #MightyTogether #ImTrying #hopetheory #Hope

I'm struggling. After being unemployed for over a year I'm working again. Before I worked in a professional, masters level, licensed required field full time for 8 years. Now I'm struggling to work a part time job that doesn't require a high school diploma (I know, I have pride issues). I want to work. I want to be independent and contribute to society. But I'm afraid that I might have to accept that I'm just not able to work and apply for disability. I want to say more but I'm exhausted and need to call it a night. Maybe sleep will help

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression #MentalHealth #Work #Disability #ImTrying #PrideComesBeforeAFall

Good morning. I am new to this. I have found it difficult to find an outlet because I always try to be strong to those around me. I had all of my thoughts ready to pour out and as I read through the posts I feel guilty for feeling bad. So many have so many more reasons for feel worse than me. Yet here I am. Sad everyday. Hiding tears. On the verge of crying every second. Tears pushed back while a smile is in their place. Exhausted. Thoughts of death constantly on my mind. Feelings of being the reason so many horrible things that have happened lately in our family. My oldest son physically and mentally abused me for years and I took it while trying to get him help thinking if it was me and he was getting help he could get better. Then he moved to abuse someone else in my family. Someone young and innocent. I could have never in my wildest dreams imagined. Now he sits in prison and my family is broken. Healing. My fault. I should have known. I came from an alcoholic mother and broken family. I should have known it couldn’t be fixed. Why didn’t I see it? We are mending. They are mending. Smiles are showing. The house is lighter. Everyone is growing but I still feel broken. One day at a time. One second. I’m trying. But it hurts. That knot in my throat. I love my babies so so much. All of them. #ImTrying #OnedayAtaTime

I had a mental breakdown when I remembered when and why my depression started. I feel dead. And I want to die. I want to be selfish and leave all my friends, relatives, acquaintances, unfinished business and everything else ... I need a rest.
It is a pity that I can not afford to be selfish. All I can afford is to cry, to suffer and to laugh.
#Depression was my childhood friend. 👶
#SuicidalThoughts are there to make me suffer even more. 💔
#deathwish is a bad choice. 👎
#Hyperventilation is always there to help me. 😵
I had more than one #SuicideAttempt.😩
I'm trying to stay #positive. 🙃
#ImTrying my best. 🤹‍♂️

How do you guys think yourself out of things you know are not true, but your brain has made it apparent that it might be a real possibility? Any strategies you guys can think of would be appreciated. #SocialAnxiety #lowselfsteem #ImTrying

I force myself to go to the gym because every day a feel so weak like as if I’m stepping closer to the ledge.. I wake up and make myself go workout because in the back of my mind I feel like if I can make my body healthy and stronger my mind will follow and become healthy and stronger. #ImTrying

I don't know how to enjoy life, I'm trying to learn. I wish I had friends and family and support
#CheckInWithMe