innerchild

I think about her often - the little girl I used to be. She was small, but her heart carried mountains. There are things I wish I could whisper in her ear - things she should've known all along.

She lived in a home where love felt like walking on eggshells. She learned to shrink herself, silence her needs, and obey just to survive. Holding everything in. No one ever protected her - so she became her own protector.

She was a body, not a person. The only time she was shown love was when it was societally acceptable. Holidays and her birthday were her favorite days, she was a person who received love and gifts. But it was all for show. All was a lie.

What I'd tell her now... You were never too much, it wasn't your job to fix broken adults, your silence was survival, the blatant neglect proved how incapable they were as parents. You were not meant to just survive, you're meant to thrive, to exhale, to sleep soundly and safely, to play, to experience, to feel, and so much more. It was taken from you, I hear you and see you little one. It will be okay, one day.

Now I understand that love isn't supposed to hurt. Im learning to parent myself in real time, process my emotions. Sometimes I feel like a child when I cry and scream and don't understand why things are difficult. My anger makes sense now. I am now the version of me that I needed as a child. I've become my own savior, my own guardian angel. I will stop at nothing to make sure people know what was done to you little one.

Your voice will become your most powerful asset.

I will keep showing up for her.

She's safe with me now

We're healing - together.

What would you tell your younger self, if they were listening?

#MentalHealth #Trauma #survival #innerchild #healingjourney

I take my hand to my heart...

To my inner child,

Hello part of me. I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling sad, I'm sorry you're feeling lost but I'm making a tuna sandwich right now and I understand that you are in pain and that you are suffering but I cannot concentrate on my food. I want to give the space for you to be seen and heard but I think that now isn't the time to discuss this and I can't tell you what you need to hear, the answer to your question....how do I fix your suffering? Maybe there isn't a way, maybe we just hold each other here, in my place in the kitchen, in your place in the past and we can be here and we take a moment to acknowledge that whatever it is your suffering from, that it's okay to feel what your feeling.

And so lets try and enjoy this sandwich together?

All my love, from my manager...

And I sit here in fear of this post today, because my mind is open to be witnessed now, and I am willing to be seen and seen I am.

#PTSD #innerchild #innerworld #foodlove #ChronicPain #suffering

I have some trauma from my childhood that cause me to have a serious anxious attachment in relationships. I’m constantly feeling unwanted, unloved, not good enough, and willing to do whatever to feel wanted from my ex SO. Not only did it cause issues but my ex is also a narcissist which makes everything a lot worse as he love bombs me. I just don’t know what to do to get passed my inner child trauma so I can better for myself and any relationships. #innerchild #Anxiousattachment #narcissist

I’ve been watching this show on Hulu called Shadowhunters; there’s a character named Jayce and he’s been possessed by a demon. The possession took away everything in his mind to which equates to his lover is nonstop being murdered by him and he can’t control himself from killing her again and again as she keeps popping up. His brother and sister who are also Shadowhunters go inside his mind with the help of a warlock to search for the real Jayce. Since his sister and brother had been taken away in his childhood memories, the grown up Izzy and Alec (brother and sister) find the real Jayce and persuade him that they aren’t the demon in disguise torturing him again. The fact that the childhood memory was about them sword fighting and laughing their little selves out and then losing them in that memory, made me immediately think about my sisters and me, with me losing connection with them so soon in life. I was only in late elementary/early middle school when my younger sister stopped wanting to hang out with me and my other sister didn’t know how to handle my personality disorder (which we had no idea about yet). I blubbered like a baby during the entire thing and had to pause it to write it in my journal and here. #Anxiety #innerchild #Healing #Depression #PersonalityDisorders

Swing

Flying through the wind

Curling your legs underneath you

Swing

Head tilted back

Laughing because it’s uphill

Swing

Scraping feet against gravel

Trying to slow the up and down

Swing

Feet hitting the ground

But you can’t even rise from the

Swing

---

Depression and mania

Swings in the middle of the night

It’s creative outbursts

Suicide whispers

The dancing in the living room

Naps throughout the day

But when night hits

Once again

The grinning demon

Swings

#innerchild #Bipolar #Poetry #poems #Trauma #moodswings

You’re four

I can still hear you cry

You almost never laugh

Sometimes you’re angry

Otherwise, desperate

Affection is lost now

Isolation is welcomed

You’re four

Eyes are blue

Hair matted to head

When you smile

It’s snatched away

Like a starving child

Reaching for that bread

You’re four

Never growing

Always stuck

I don’t know

How to heal someone

Who wants everything

And nothing

But you’re still

Four

#innerchild #Poetry #poems #Trauma #Therapy