#52SmallThings #patience #MentalHealth #IntensiveOutpatientProgram #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
You know that song, Bad Guy? Of course you do. It’s a bop. And it probably makes you feel like a badass when you blast it through your stereo, windows down and driving on the open road.
When you look at me, you’d be singing “she’s the goooooood guyyyyy...duh.”
But that’s not how I feel inside. Inside I AM the bad guy. I beat myself up, in more ways than one, and feel way past being fixed. But I’m supposed to be the good guy. It’s a massive conflict.
Lately these feelings and actions have caused me to enter an intensive outpatient program. The bad guy is winning right now, and sometimes I don’t want that to go away. But I do want to live a life where I don’t think about the dark and the bad every minute.
My first day of treatment was Thursday. I was the new kid. I thought my problems would begin to get solved the second I arrived..I mean this place is supposed to help, right? But I learned nothing of use to me that would quiet the bad guy.
I made a list when I got home of the things I wanted to address privately with one of the counselors before the day’s groups and such. I was mostly scared that I was too sick for this program, and there really isn’t much more that is out there to treat people like me.
I was nervous but I found our main counselor, B, and asked to speak with him. It was here where he made me realize that the first day isn’t necessarily about me. It’s more of observing, getting comfortable, meeting everyone etc.
So then I asked him specific questions, like would I get to talk in group and would people help me since there aren’t really individual therapists? Would I learn coping skills? Would I get the help I really needed?
Could I ever send the bad guy away?
And he looked me in the eyes and said yes.
He told me I’d only had one day under my belt and that he would direct the group’s focus more to the things I’d said.
He told me to see how I felt on days 3, 4, 5...
He told me to have patience.
So, today, I am being patient.
- the patient (hopeful?) bad guy xx