Invisable

Yesterday I started back to the office for the first time in person since March 2020. This is a summary of how it went.

*Yesterday*

Got my daughter off to school

Forgot to pack my own lunch

Intrusive thoughts and compulsions

First in person meeting since March 2020

First 30 minutes were okay, a bit of a novelty

Had a desire to run away numerous times

Moved between fear, anger and it is what it is minute by minute

Felt like I was shaking and overwhelmed most of the day

Kept a smile on my face

Made an appointment with my family doctor

*Today*

Hard to get up

Can’t concentrate

Feel completely overwhelmed

Not sure of the path forward

Intrusive thoughts are swirling

Aggravation level is low

Arms are sore

Tired

#Livingwithmentalillness #Invisable #OCD #BPD #HighsAndLows

I’ve never felt like such a piece of shit burden. My partner doesn’t want me, desire me, nothing. I just need to know that you still want me. That I’m not just a burden, but someone you used to crave and desire. Then you broke my heart. As I try and put the pieces back together but they keep falling apart. I miss the glow in your eyes when you’d look at me, your touch so gentile yet filled with desire. Now I’m someone you take care of, someone you nurse, someone you’re responsible of, not someone who used to make your heart race with desire and love. Instead I feel alone unwanted broken nasty repulsive. I shouldn’t hold him back, I shouldn’t weigh him down. He deserves to be happy, desired, loved, free. I shouldn’t hold you back. If only I could disappear, not holding anyone back, and let you be free. How much can one person hurt, how much pain can I take? So scared, so low, so broken, so defeated

how is it that it seems my own husband doesn't understand how bad my #Depression is. it feels as though he thinks its it's all in my head and not that bad. #StopTheStigma #Invisable #

To whoever’s reading this-
I woke up this morning and got out of bed. #Endometriosis #EndometriosisAwarenessMonth #Endometriosflareup #Endometriosiswarrior #endometrosissucks #ChronicIllness #illness #Invisable
That there is proof that I am not giving in or giving up.
To friends-who I’ve lost or become memories of the past because we haven’t done things, I’m sorry, I am not a free women.
To the people who know not much about me but proceed to judge, your voices will not be heard no more.
To the Men and women -who do not live with a chronic illness yet carry on slating the ones who do, you hurt us.
To endometriosis, you may have my body, you may make me feel like I’ll never have my freedom. You may ruin my “good” days and crush me. You may leave me bloated and bedridden. You may admit me to hospital, you may attempt to take many chances away from me. You may make me cry, or angry or irritated. You may not only attack one part of us but all our organs. You are incurable and you are evil, and you leave us feeling drained and empty.
But, To me- you are strong, you are powerful and you can try take back what body you have left. You can be brave and try your hardest, you can smile past the feeling of being torn apart. And even the days you feel you’re worth so little, you’re here for a reason. This post is for the people who feel constantly alone, YOU are NOT.... Be careful before you assume how someone is on their looks please.

Up again at 4am. I’m terrible at mornings but here I am. I wallow until 8, get up, think about eating, don’t and then go back to bed. I don’t turn on lights. I don’t make noise. I’m in the void that is my day. I am not ok,..but no one here is listening. I’m tempted by things I thought long in the past. I both crave and hate invisibility. I am sick of doctors who either don’t believe me or think I have ulterior motives or both. I don’t particularly want to die but this is no way to live. #Anxiety #Depression #Migraine #Invisable #ChronicPain #imnotadrugseeker