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I recently went to my psych, and as I sat there and cried and begged her to give me something that was going to make me happy and the ability to smile. She said, “It doesn’t matter, what I prescribe you, if you don’t change your environment and situation, it won’t help.” #BipolarDisorder #unhappy #irrational


How to deal with unexpected news..

Hi all,

I am writing on here in the hopes someone out there gets it, because I don’t know how to cope with this information and I am struggling to digest it even a little..

I had a horrific car accident barely a week into this year and have spent most of the year fighting to get answers for my ongoing pain and struggle after being released from hospital needing “just a couple weeks of rest”. Here we are now in October and I have just had MRI scans that have taken me six months to even get, where the results have come out as “normal”. Even the dr said he has never in his whole career seen someone present with the pain and difficulty I have and had scan results come back completely clear of anything. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.
Now, while I am not denying how lucky I am to have these results as normal and to even have come away from this accident alive, let alone with no serious injury or broken bones, but I can’t help but feel devastated that the scans show nothing. Nothing is wrong.
Is it completely ridiculous to feel sad about this result? I feel like it doesn’t explain all the pain I am still in. Am I crazy for thinking a result of “something” would’ve been better so I know what I’m working with?
I can’t tell if I’m being completely irrational but I am absolutely shocked and can’t seem to swallow this pill that should be the news I should hope for.. It makes me feel like these last ten months of agony are for no reason. Have I made this all up? Is my mind telling me there’s something wrong when there isn’t? How did I actually survive and get away without serious injury? Maybe I wasn’t supposed to.. maybe that’s why I can’t grasp it, because I shouldn’t of even made it to this far.

Does anyone out there relate to this? #Trauma #irrational #Pain #Depression


Boundaries #Crazy #irrational

It’s a bit ironic that people push those who have mental illness or emotional struggles to seek o it help. Whether it be a Psychiatrist, therapy, a life coach, or Psychologist they want you to get help. So you go seek help to either get evaluated or to get help for something that you already have but just need a little help. You start working on your triggers. You start working on yourself and your self esteem. You also learn about boundaries and how you need to Protect yourself. You then begin implementing these coping skills, these boundaries. Most often those who kept catastrophizing your emotional or mental state begin hating the fact that you’ve learned boundaries, you’ve learned coping skills. So now these people or said person can no longer emotionally abuse you to distort things, they can’t scape goat you, and they can’t gaslight you. So they begin to manipulate those around you. I have gone through this time and time again with my father, with my mother, other relatives, and in relationships. I get so sick of people’s inability to be accountable for themselves. They deflect, the project onto you to keep from seeing themselves. However, this is the American norm. in our society. So many people CAN’T see it! How do I attract so many narcissistic and manipulative people?!? I feel as if I have “sucker” tattooed on my forehead and I’m the only who can’t see it. To what extent will you let yourself suffer and lessen your quality of life to keep damaged goods in your life? Do the cons outweigh the pros? I’m at the point in my life that I no longer live for the comfort of others. I feel what I feel, I can rationally explain my thoughts and emotions. I know the “why”. I have no idea when my last day will be so I will not live my life for the comfort of others. Family, friends, anyone! Blood doesn’t mean anything. I have my chosen family, an amazon partner who agrees with my life choices. Good riddance to bad rubbish. My life is just THAT, MINE! I don’t feel obligated to make anyone more comfortable than myself. I am number 2, because, my kids are number 1. They’re little emotions and lives are the only things that mean more to me than me. #Parenting #MentalHealth #boundaries #exes #stability #Mycomfort #nooneelsematters


#Anxiety # Job Interview #irrational fears # debilitating

#Anxiety - I feel rediculous yet am trying to understand myself. I have a good job however I have a job interview on Thursday for another company.
It is not like I won’t be ok if I don’t get it, but I am having major anxiety over it already to the point I can’t concentrate and I just want to go stay in bed. Why is this happening and how can I get a handle on it so I am not a shaking mess Thursday?

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I’m new too!

I sleep at night more than I did, but once I’m thinking about my (irrational) fear I am afraid to close my eyes and even if I do it’s still there in my head. So the best I can do is to try and turn off my mind. Sometimes, eventually it works and sometimes not. Like this. Sometimes it works and sometimes not.
#up all night #Depression #Anxiety #irrational fear #introduction


I’m in the middle of some psychotic symptoms and changes in my meds #visual hallucinations#irrational thinking#bi -Polar depression#PTSD

I have mood issues, mood swings and mood crashes along with some psychotic thinking at times. The night before last when I was trying to sleep and was in the twilight zone between wake and sleep I started having some irrational thoughts that were just nonsensical and I wrote it off as being tired. The other night I started having visual hallucinations while in twilight and it freaked me out. My Psych NP wants me to start on Latuda and I would like to know if anyone has any good or bad experience with this medication. I’m feeling pretty lonely and depressed and burned out.


It seems it still is very hard to ask for anything

Why is it so hard to try and talk about what bothers me and so easy to try and soothe the needs of others? Am I really that low on my own pecking order? Is my self worth derived only from what I can provide for another, is my struggle really not that important to me? Is it my just reward for not being good enough? All these questions echo in my mind when I am trying to jot down what I want to share.

Is it the fear of being rejected, not being taken serious, or bluntly not being believed like it has happened so often in the past? Panic sometimes feels like a noose around my neck ever tightening. I feel like I am stifling my own voice, my own opinions, my own needs; And for what exactly?

I guess I just still cannot come to terms with me not being able to fix the world around me, that I am not able to take all the pain away, onto myself and soldier on like I feel I should. And the inner critics I have do not even take turns anymore, but blurt out a waterfall of insults and regrets onto my cognition all the time and even if I try to not pay any attention to them, they get worse and worse, to the point it gives me headaches.

What am I trying to convey here... do I really lose the plot that quickly? I guess I am just not so adept with words as I figured I am, especially when it comes to me trying to be open, honest in looking for help. I doubt this will even ever see the light of day, I doubt I'll hit 'post' on this.
#Depression #AskForHelp #perfectionism #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #irrational

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Fighting it (the days when you feel like you can)

This whole week, I haven't slept well. I took 2 melatonin pills last night to hope it would help me sleep. I still woke up numerous times throughout the night, and spent a good 2 hours tossing & turning. I felt irritated yesterday, and I could tell it would carry on into today. I woke up around 10 am today, and then fell back asleep for another hour, until I finally got out of bed.
I had breakfast, and then I went back to my room, and wished I could escape the world. I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone, and the one person I did want to be with couldn't be there because he was working. While being back in bed for about 45 minutes after my breakfast and chai, I kept thinking about all of the things I need to do...and how much I didn't want to do them, and felt I couldn't do them.

I've recently tried to start going to the gym regularly and work out to try to improve my health. I think the biggest thing about actually keeping consistent with my workouts is just feeling accomplished, and living with the #ChronicPain of #Fibromyalgia, it's really hard to actually feel that way. Normally, I feel like I'm barely getting by. But when I work out, I feel like I've accomplished something, and I've fought my body. And when my fibromyalgia flares, my #Depression and #Anxiety get worse -- which doesn't really help any type of relationship. Working out makes me feel like a #warrior and feels like I'm actually fighting my depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and whatever other symptoms I'm facing that day.

After being in bed for near an hour after already having breakfast, I decided to attempt to fight the bad day I felt coming on. I knew if I stayed in bed, my depression would make me feel empty, and my anxiety would lead me to question my relationship and friendships and the way my family views me. I couldn't deal with those #irrational #Thoughts today.
I got out of bed and jumped on the stationary bike and rode it for 30 minutes. Then I came back to my room and did a #blogilates hip hop cardio beat work out. I took a shower, and then cleaned my room a little bit.
I still don't feel that great, but I'm glad I fought when I could.

There are some days when I know I don't have the fight in me, and that's okay. But I also know there are days when I could have fought it, but I don't want to use the energy I have to do that, and just let the bad day happen. Today, I took control. & that felt damn good! In a way, it feels silly to feel so proud of myself over something that may seem trivial to others, but I'm getting to the point that I'm pushing those thoughts out of my head now too. Even if it's trivial to others, it's a big deal for me, and I deserve to feel proud of myself for it.

I hope that on the days you feel you have energy to fight the pain & the darkness, you take that opportunity. Then, let yourself feel proud of your accomplishments, however big or however "small." Celebrate them because you deserve that!


#CheckInWithMe Tell me how great the world is.

I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes I despair... The city gives me the sensation of uncontrollable chaos, I start thinking that it may be the end of the world, all the traffic, all the sirens (I live near a busy road that leads to the city hospital)...
I know tell myself that these feelings and #fears are nothing but my #Anxiety and that I'm a logical person and that I'm being #irrational because I feel #overwhelmed . I'm completely unable to watch the news, for example... My behavior changes from a funny adult to a scared 4 year old even though I know they always add fuel to the fire and make everything seem worse...

But all I want all day, every day is to run to a small village, to not see a tall building anywhere, see trees and grass to run too and have a place to be one with nature.
I'm always paying attention to the other animals' behaviour so that they can assure me that nothing is wrong. But it's never enough, so I tend to ask people all over the world to tell me what beautiful things are around them.

Tell me about the #beautifulthingsaroundyou .

Much love,