#CPTSD This is kind of a rant, vent, "temper-tantrum"post, that is just me unloading, and joking around, being a little sarcastic. It may sound dark or depressing as a forewarning, but it is all in good humor, and I know I will overcome my current situation, and continue on the path of healing. For now though, I will complain lol.
I am an over thinker, I am a worrier, I have C-PTSD, most of my trauma, and problems that stem from it are relational. It is rather debilitating at times but they say that is just life. Basically I pay attention to what people say and the way they say it, what they do, facial expressions, body language, smells, and a million other meaningless little things, rather I want to or not. I am guessing it is a way that my trauma brain, and arch enemy known as "Amygdala" look out for dangerous situations, people, and relationships. My brain just noticing is only part 1, part 2 is drawing conclusions that are highly improbable maybe even impossible, or making connections where there are none just to keep me prepared and on my toes for of course the only REAL possible outcome, which is known as "The worst case scenario happening, and then a piano falling on my head from the sky just like a cartoon, because why not?". One of the many ways my good ole Dala (amygdala for short, so I don't have to spell it over and over) tries her damnedest to keep me nice, secure, and safe from that scenario is by throwing me into survival mode the moment any small sign of danger shows itself. What are some warning signs of danger? Well, actually every "sign" is a warning sign with a big imagination and NO CHILL like me. This "safe" little survival mode space Dala created for me feels kind of like a quaint, cozy, little box that is very reminiscent of a medieval torture device. Yes that little "box" is apparently the best attempt Dala has at making me a nice, safe, protected space. You know, this metaphorical "box" trauma thrusts me into in the event of an "emergency" (the amygdala has a pretty loose definition for emergency too) actually has another thing in common with those inhumane lil medieval torture devices, besides being terrifying, causing pain, and being ineffective. The "box" much like Medieval torture devices, seems to punish without prejudice. Guilty? Cool, let's do something sadistic, unhelpful, and uncalled for to you. Innocent? Very cool, you ESPECIALLY get a sadistic, super unhelpful, extra-unwarranted sentence to the box!!!
I know some of the people that will read this (if any read this ridiculously long post) know exactly what I am talking about, and have felt it before, some probably are feeling it. I'm sorry if it was a depressing read, but I just wanted to vent, and be sassy lol. I know there is hope, and light at the end of the tunnel, I know we can all find a path to healing, and no matter how difficult that path can be at times, that we all have the strength and ability to walk it, and finish it. We got this 👏