Every morning since January 13th, 2019, I've woken up alone in my bed, curled around 3-4 pillows. I miss his arms around me. I miss waking up to his sleepy grin and forehead kisses before work.
My fiance and partner of 8 years too good own life, and even now, nearly 6 months later, I still wake up each morning searching for him in my half-asleep mind. He had battled bipolar depression, an extremely abusive childhood, and anxiety disorder from the time he was a little boy. He had confessed to me just a few weeks before that he had recently started having auditory hallucinations: low speaking voices, faint music, and an even scarier, singular voice that was encouraging self harm.
I did everything I could think of. I attempted to get him to the doctor. We'd make appointments, and then, the day of, he would beg me not to make him go in fear of being committed to an institution as his mother had been numerous times in her own life. He was terrified of mental health professionals, yet had been self medicating for years with benzos and Adderall he procured from people he worked with as well as his recent discovery of #Kratom . I watched in horror, frozen in my inability to get him the help he so desperately needed, as he spiraled out of control into manias then sunk into deeper and deeper into depression. He also smoked weed, which seemed to help him when he could find it, but when he couldn't, it was back to the kratom and other drugs.
This beautiful, intelligent man with so much to offer the world couldn't see his own self worth no matter how much I tried to show him over and over. He refused to believe he was anything but a burden no matter how many times I promised he was anything but.
When it became painfully apparent that his suicide was a real possibility, I called the non emergency number, begging them to please not send out officers to arrest him, that he needed to be taken to a hospital for mental health treatment and to get the help he needed. I was ignored. He ran. Two officers showed up and went over my head without cause or a signed statement from me or any kind of indication her was violent. They charged him with destruction of private property due to a broken plate he had accidently knocked off the table, and placed a warrant out for his arrest, but did not bother to inform either of us of it. There was no 10-13, no trip to the hospital, no mental health provided. Nearly a month later, in January, he was pulled over for a tail light and arrested for the warrant. They stripped him and put him naked and freezing into a padded cell in the jail for the night, refusing to even give him a paper gown. This was the State of Georgia and Hall County Police Department's answer to a #MentalHealthCrisis . After 24 hours, and much pleading with the judge, he was released the following night, now even more broken and #suicidal .
That was Friday night, by Sunday he was gone. This is what #Suicide is. This is what #SuicideLossSurvivors live with.