moods

Music has been the driven point of my moods for a long time. Music, I remember from songs once heard as well as songs heard on the radio. Never been able to regulate my moods without thinking of a song or hearing a song. When I'm driving about 80% of the time, I'm listening to music that will help me adapt to the upcoming situation. #Radio #Music #MentalHealth #moods

Was this life part of a plan
Could I change beforehand
Sad & happy, false and true
Why did I put my trust in you
What am I to learn from this
We don’t all feel eternal bliss
Is it what we signed up for
Lean upon your sacred door
To be fooled into thinking
Soul is positively shrinking

In #Therapy I was told to create a Toolbox poster
Here's mine. It's stuck by the side of my bed.

Different #moods call for a different #actions

What would yours look like?

#ChronicDepression #ChronicIllness #feelings

I tired of people keep asking what’s wrong!!! Over and Over (This is a trigger)
Please stay out of my bubble let me work out what’s going on in my Head
Nothing Personal
#nothingpersonal #PTSD #moods

Having Bipolar takes one on a rollercoaster of extreme moods, thoughts and behaviours, sometimes difficult to manage. In 2012 I ended up in hospital with psychosis and diagnosed with this lovely condition.

During this time, I would daily walk round the hospital building to attempt to collect my thoughts and try make sense of them all. To begin, they didn’t make any sense - all scrambled. But as days went by, I began collecting the jigsaw pieces of where this all began and to admit to myself certain things weren’t real! It was complete mania and psychosis I was experiencing.

Given my new dosage of meds in the mornings, I was coming out of the aforementioned experiences; I continued with my daily walk round the hospital. I sat on a bench, adjacent to a beautiful oak tree, with coloured flower patches, and seagulls i observered, I realised I had to get better not only for myself but for my daughter who was temporary staying between her dad and grandparents.

Tears began to roll down my face ‘no I wouldn’t let this condition ruin me’ I’m stronger than this I asserted. That’s where I made a bold claim - ‘I’ll make a deal with the devil; if this was rock bottom then I’d fight my way back to some form of normality for my daughter. She never asked to be born, she was innocent and needed her mummy’. Therefore I lost the right to end things, that right was no longer my choice.

If it meant worst case, being a medicated zombie then I would as she needed a mum. And there id be until my time was up. My daughter deserved a mum, albeit a bipolar mum. Previously I had worked in looked after kids residential and all those kids wanted were their parents. Some of which were addicts, alcoholics, had their own issues and thus unable to watch them and hence, the care system stepped in with the view of the kids returning to their parents once they got better.

It didn’t matter to the kids of wealth, or living in a beautiful house, what mattered to them was their need to return to their parents - they hoped that day would come fast! Kids are resilient, more so that I had originally thought.

So the handshake was done; my word was given. And so I wiped away my tears, stood up, wiped myself down, and began my fight to have my daughter back in my arms once again.