Neglect

Experiencing feelings of failure and underachievement can be frustrating and defeating, especially when you feel like you're capable of more, or you're doing what seems to be enough but are not feeling rewarded or appreciated for your efforts. When feeling like you're not good enough, or like you're failing at something -- a relationship, a job, etc. -- it can start to not only hurt your confidence, but can also hurt your sense of self-worth.

Feelings of underachievement, however, don’t always reflect reality. Even highly productive people may sometimes still see themselves as falling short, creating a disconnect between achieving and the perception of not doing (or being) enough. These persistent feelings of coming up short can make it difficult to experience success in relationships, work, or other aspects of life, and can actually lead to break ups, or self-fulfilling prophecies that can create the failure that you fear. For many, misaligned feelings of failure can lead to constantly looking for a better situation and repeatedly starting over, believing that the problem is external and not internal.

Perfectionism Can Cause Feelings of Failure and Underachievement

Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. While it may help drive you to excel, it can also set unrealistic standards and expectations that actually set up disappointment and feeling like you're failing, even if you may doing enough in other people's eyes. You may constantly strive for an unattainable ideal, in the process overlooking your achievements along the way.

For many people, this can lead to a sense of imposter syndrome, and can make you feel defeated. You may start to doubt your abilities and feel undeserving of success, often feeling like you may not know what you're doing at work, or feeling like you're not enough in your relationship (which can create other relationship issues as well).

How Society Can Exacerbate Feelings of Underachievement

In today’s world, people are bombarded with images of others’ successes (or, at least the successes the others portray). This comparison culture can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure, even when you’re succeeding in or your own life, making progress, doing enough, or being enough. Social media, in particular, often presents a curated version of reality, and for many people, comparing themselves to these images can make it easy to feel like they're falling behind or not achieving enough in their life.

A person's sense of achievement can also be significantly impacted by societal stereotypes and expectations based on gender, race, or socioeconomic status. This can create added pressure to conform or excel in specific areas, potentially overshadowing your own unique strengths and accomplishments.

Growing Up, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem

There are a number of factors based on upbringing that can make people lean more towards perfectionism and feeling like they are constantly underachieving or failing. Issues with self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence can show up as part of family dynamics, difficulty socially, friction at home, being bullied at school, academic expectations, and so on.

When a child feels like they aren't good enough, or are struggling to make their mark at home with their parents, at school as a student, are struggling socially, or when things happen at home such as neglect, abuse, divorce, and more, it can be difficult to develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. For a number of deeper psychological and emotional reasons, when a person feels like they're falling short, or are not enough as a child, it often can lead as an adult to pushing harder to achieve in order to gain self-acceptance (and acceptance and approval from others). And, while you may actually be doing enough, it still can feel like you're really falling short or still failing because you may be carrying the emotional impact of your childhood with you.

Grass is Greener Syndrome

If you have read my other posts on Grass is Greener Syndrome (check my website if you're reading this elsewhere), you may have seen how perfectionism and feelings of not being enough can make it very hard to feel satisfied in life, in relationships, in work, or where you live (among other things). When you're not feeling like you are good enough and are constantly falling short with yourself, it can lead to feeling like things around you are also falling short of what you need. For many, this is a piece of the greater grass is greener cycle that can keep people in a loop of starting over and looking for the "better" scenario that's going to make them happy. However, when not addressing the deeper inadequacy leading to feelings of misaligned failure and falling short, this cycle of feeling like nothing is good enough can be hard to break.

Seeking Help and Moving Forward

If you notice a pattern within yourself that you're constantly seeming to come up short, or are at least often feel like you're not meeting expectations, or that others are disappointed in you, and so on, seeking therapy is a good place to start to work on this. If it turns out you are actually falling short, then it would be helpful to start to understand why this is happening and how to get you onto a better track. If you are actually struggling more with a sense of self-worth rather than actually falling short, then it would be good to understand this misalignment on the inside versus reality in the world so it doesn't lead to greater self-destructive tendencies.

#perfectionism #fearoffailure #grassisgreenersyndrome

Perfectionism can put a significant strain on relationships. People with perfectionistic tendencies can often lead to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a relationship. When it's difficult to embrace imperfections in a relationship, it can lead to criticism, and an erosion of intimacy and connection. Perfectionism can create tension, frustration, distrust, and hinder genuine connection.

How Perfectionism Can Harm Relationships

Perfectionism has a way of creating distance in a relationship, often making your partner feel they're not good enough and somehow always coming up short. If you set unrealistic expectations for your partner to become perfect (or close to it), it generally leads to resentment and disappointment, and can take the life out of the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism often leads to unrealistic expectations in relationships. You may hold your partner to impossibly high standards, expecting them, on some level, to make you happy or fulfilled by their actions or who they are in the relationship. This often leads to pressure to come through with the impossible, and can your partner feel resentful, guilty, defeated, or a number of other negative feelings towards themselves and the relationship. Over time, these expectations can impact trust and intimacy, leaving your partner feeling inadequate and constantly scrutinized.

Deeper Fears

The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of flawlessness can stem from a variety of deeper inadequacies. Some of these can be a fear of their own imperfections and flaws, coping with trauma or past abuse or neglect, fear of failure, or even a carryover from trying to reduce parental arguments or marital issues in the house growing up, and more. You may constantly strive for unattainable standards, terrified of making mistakes or falling short, due to the scary perceived repercussions. A perfectionist often fears that if they (and the others around them) aren't perfect, then everything will fall apart.

Criticism and Judgment

Perfectionism can often manifest as criticism and judgment in relationships. You may constantly scrutinize your partner’s actions, appearance, or decisions. This mindset can build resentment into the relationship, erode trust and intimacy, and create an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite knowing how to meet these standards. Over time, this constant judgment can lead to decreased self-esteem, and, ultimately, relationship breakdown.

Difficulty Asking for Help

People who struggle with perfectionism can sometimes find it difficult to ask for help, fearing it may reveal their perceived inadequacies. You might hesitate to delegate tasks or request support, believing you should be able to handle everything on your own. For many, this can be the result of being left to figure out their own emotions and figure out life growing up without much emotional support. However, help is something necessary for everybody, and when not able to ask for help, people can often implode under the impossible pressure of making everything happen themselves.

This reluctance to utilize help can strain relationships, as partners may feel excluded or undervalued; or even because the stress levels of the perfectionist who is trying to figure out everything on their own makes it difficult to be emotionally available for the relationship. Recognizing that asking for help is a strength and necessity is important for not only relationships, but for overall mental health stability.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Perfectionism very often shows up in all-or-nothing thinking. You may view situations in extreme terms, seeing outcomes as complete successes or total failures. This black-and-white mentality can lead to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner, creating unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationships, and for yourself. It can feel as if any shortcoming collapses everything, leading to impossible pressure to achieve perfection. This can also lead to higher anxiety, stress, and depression for you, and even for others around you.

Allowing Help & Moving Forward

There is more to perfectionism than the above. While it isn't necessarily an issue to strive for perfection in some ways, as this can be an asset to people in certain areas of life, it is important to know how to make space for imperfection, flaws, and middle ground, especially in relationships. A relationship is, at its core, made up of two people who are humans and have flaws. Expecting perfection in many ways is already a setup for failure in a relationship.

#Relationships #MentalHealth #perfectionism #Anxiety #Depression

Perfectionism can put a significant strain on relationships. People with perfectionistic tendencies can often lead to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a relationship. When it's difficult to embrace imperfections in a relationship, it can lead to criticism, and an erosion of intimacy and connection. Perfectionism can create tension, frustration, distrust, and hinder genuine connection.

How Perfectionism Can Harm Relationships

Perfectionism has a way of creating distance in a relationship, often making your partner feel they're not good enough and somehow always coming up short. If you set unrealistic expectations for your partner to become perfect (or close to it), it generally leads to resentment and disappointment, and can take the life out of the relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

Perfectionism often leads to unrealistic expectations in relationships. You may hold your partner to impossibly high standards, expecting them, on some level, to make you happy or fulfilled by their actions or who they are in the relationship. This often leads to pressure to come through with the impossible, and can your partner feel resentful, guilty, defeated, or a number of other negative feelings towards themselves and the relationship. Over time, these expectations can impact trust and intimacy, leaving your partner feeling inadequate and constantly scrutinized.

Deeper Fears

The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of flawlessness can stem from a variety of deeper inadequacies. Some of these can be a fear of their own imperfections and flaws, coping with trauma or past abuse or neglect, fear of failure, or even a carryover from trying to reduce parental arguments or marital issues in the house growing up, and more. You may constantly strive for unattainable standards, terrified of making mistakes or falling short, due to the scary perceived repercussions. A perfectionist often fears that if they (and the others around them) aren't perfect, then everything will fall apart.

Criticism and Judgment

Perfectionism can often manifest as criticism and judgment in relationships. You may constantly scrutinize your partner’s actions, appearance, or decisions. This mindset can build resentment into the relationship, erode trust and intimacy, and create an atmosphere of tension and anxiety. Your partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite knowing how to meet these standards. Over time, this constant judgment can lead to decreased self-esteem, and, ultimately, relationship breakdown.

Difficulty Asking for Help

People who struggle with perfectionism can sometimes find it difficult to ask for help, fearing it may reveal their perceived inadequacies. You might hesitate to delegate tasks or request support, believing you should be able to handle everything on your own. For many, this can be the result of being left to figure out their own emotions and figure out life growing up without much emotional support. However, help is something necessary for everybody, and when not able to ask for help, people can often implode under the impossible pressure of making everything happen themselves.

This reluctance to utilize help can strain relationships, as partners may feel excluded or undervalued; or even because the stress levels of the perfectionist who is trying to figure out everything on their own makes it difficult to be emotionally available for the relationship. Recognizing that asking for help is a strength and necessity is important for not only relationships, but for overall mental health stability.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Perfectionism very often shows up in all-or-nothing thinking. You may view situations in extreme terms, seeing outcomes as complete successes or total failures. This black-and-white mentality can lead to unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner, creating unnecessary stress and conflict in your relationships, and for yourself. It can feel as if any shortcoming collapses everything, leading to impossible pressure to achieve perfection. This can also lead to higher anxiety, stress, and depression for you, and even for others around you.

Allowing Help & Moving Forward

There is more to perfectionism than the above. While it isn't necessarily an issue to strive for perfection in some ways, as this can be an asset to people in certain areas of life, it is important to know how to make space for imperfection, flaws, and middle ground, especially in relationships. A relationship is, at its core, made up of two people who are humans and have flaws. Expecting perfection in many ways is already a setup for failure in a relationship.

#Relationships #MentalHealth #perfectionism #Anxiety #Depression

Infidelity shows up in a significant number of relationships. While at times it may happen more suddenly, there are certain unhealthy relationship indicators that can be more likely over time to lead to infidelity if not addressed. Here are some symptoms that a relationship is moving away from connection and intimacy:

Communication Breakdown

Open communication is one of the most important elements of a healthy relationship. When communication falters, it can start to erode trust, and emotional distance grows. When communication breaks down, you and your partner may avoid difficult conversations, potentially leading to disconnect and unresolved conflicts.

Unsettled Disputes

Repeated arguments and unresolved conflicts can also be red flags for potential future infidelity. When couples fail to address issues constructively, these unresolved conflicts stay silently in the relationship, which tends to create and increase emotional distance and puts a strain on the relationship. This disconnect may eventually lead to one (or even both) partners seeking connection outside of the relationship.

Lack of Effort in the Relationship

When one partner stops investing in the relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is growing distant. You might notice communication dwindling, quality time becoming harder to come by, or waning interest in each other’s lives. This lack of effort can manifest as neglecting your partner or time together, avoiding conversations, or showing general indifference to your partner’s needs. This lack of effort can be a sign that connection and intimacy is struggling or missing.

Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity can often be a precursor to sexual infidelity. Emotional infidelity usually happens when communication and intimacy has eroded in a relationship, and you or your partner starts finding the connection, communication, and validation happening with someone outside of your relationship. This outside person can end up fulfilling the voids of your current relationship, and leads to increasing intimacy with people outside of your relationship. Eventually, emotional infidelity can lead to physical infidelity if the connection and intimacy isn't recovered within your relationship.

Being Secretive

While privacy is necessary and important in relationships, excessive secrecy can be a concern. If your partner suddenly becomes guarded or consistently vague about their life or what they are doing when outside of home or work, it's something to keep an eye on, especially if there's an unwillingness to communicate about the change. The same also goes for if you notice yourself keeping secrets and becoming more guarded, which can be worth understanding. While there can be other reasons for secrets at times, if the change is either sudden or ongoing, and if you're noticing a significant distance in your relationship happening as well, it can be a sign that the relationship is suffering.

It's worth noting that secrecy doesn't always mean infidelity, but either way excessive secrecy is a concerning symptom for the future health of a relationship.

Narcissistic Tendencies

People with narcissistic tendencies often crave validation and admiration from others. You may notice your partner constantly seeking attention, looking for excessive validation for their achievements, or showing a lack of empathy. They might also struggle with constructive criticism and display an exaggerated sense of self-importance. While these qualities can often come from deep insecurities, emotional neglect, and pain that needs to be addressed, this combination of traits can lead to a higher risk of infidelity as people with narcissistic tendencies can get caught up in seeking validation, fulfillment, and approval from others.

Lack of Sexual Intimacy

A lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can be a concern for potential infidelity. When physical connection wanes, partners may feel unfulfilled and seek sexual connection and intimacy elsewhere.

It's important to note that reduced sexual activity doesn’t automatically lead to infidelity. Temporary dips in sexual connection are common at different times in relationships. However, if the sexual disconnect continues without showing signs of recovering, then this should be addressed.

Struggles with Boundaries

Respect for personal space is essential in a healthy relationship. When one partner disregards these boundaries by invading privacy or constantly monitoring the other, it can breed resentment, distrust, and even feel suffocating . This can lead a partner to feel constrained in the relationship and result in looking for autonomy outside of the relationship if these issues aren't addressed.

Addressing the Warning Signs and Moving Forward

While no single issue above means infidelity is happening, the more of these that are at play the more concerning this is for the intimacy and connection of your relationship. It is possible to address and restore connection, trust, and intimacy in your relationship with some help before it gets to that point (and even if it has reached that point).

#infidelity #Affair #Relationships #cheating

Have you ever wondered how your childhood experiences shape your current interactions? The attachments formed during your formative years are a significant piece in determining the quality and nature of how your adult relationships function.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

Attachment theory helps us understand how early childhood experiences shape our relationships throughout life. This concept illuminates the impact of caregiver interactions on a child’s emotional development and future interpersonal dynamics.

At the core of attachment theory are four distinct styles. These patterns, formed in our earliest years, often persist into adulthood, influencing our romantic partnerships, friendships, and professional relationships. Understanding attachment styles and learning about your own relational patterns -- often done with the help of an experienced therapist -- can be a powerful tool for starting to understand how to navigate your interpersonal relationships.

Secure Attachment

According to attachment theory, secure attachment often develops when caregivers consistently respond to a child’s needs with attunement, warmth, and care. These children tend to grow up feeling safe, loved, and supported, fostering a strong sense of self-worth and the ability to form healthy relationships. Securely attached individuals typically approach adult relationships with confidence, trust, and emotional openness.

Anxious Attachment

Conversely, inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to an anxious attachment style. Children who experience this may develop a heightened need for closeness and reassurance, often coupled with a fear of abandonment. As adults, they may struggle with feelings of insecurity in relationships. It may lead to seeking validation and experiencing intense emotional responses to perceived threats of rejection.

Avoidant Attachment

This is characterized by a tendency to maintain emotional distance from others. Individuals with this attachment style often struggle with intimacy and trust. They may avoid emotional closeness, fearing vulnerability or rejection. A person with avoidant attachment may experience relationships at arm's distance, and will often push for distance when the other comes toward intimacy.

Disorganized Attachment 

This is a more complex pattern that stems from unresolved trauma. This is also known as anxious-avoidant, which basically combines the two above attachment styles. People with disorganized attachment exhibit inconsistent behaviors, often switching between seeking closeness and intimacy, while also avoiding it. This can lead to confusion, fear, and difficulty regulating emotions. If you've experience a "push-pull" dynamic in your relationships, this may be a sign of disorganized attachment. At times you may want to become closer and more intimate, but then the fear of rejection or abandonment pushes you away again. This can become a destructive vicious cycle for relationships, leading to self-fulfilling prophecies and sabotage of relationships by acting out in response to perceived threats of rejection or distance, or even pushing away care and love that is there when it feels too scary to take in.

How Childhood Attachments Impact Adult Relationships

Whether secure or insecure, childhood attachment patterns often become a blueprint for interactions with partners later in life, and in how you dynamically navigate romantic relationships.

People with secure attachments tend to more naturally navigate towards more supportive and fulfilling relationships with trust, intimacy, and emotional support. While no relationship is perfect and all relationships have their struggles, secure attachments are more likely to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts constructively, and maintain strong bonds with their partners even when issues show up. On the other hand, those with anxious attachments may struggle with insecurities such as jealousy and possessiveness. On a deep level, they may fear abandonment, which can lead to more controlling behaviors -- often having the effect of pushing their partner away in the process.

Individuals with avoidant attachment may struggle to form deep emotional connections or trust others. They may distance themselves from their partners, fearing emotional vulnerability or dependence. In contrast, individuals with disorganized attachment may show inconsistent behaviors, which can cause confusion, fear, and difficulty with emotional regulation. This can impact your relationships, from controlling behaviors to difficulty forming stable connections. This often happens when someone craves the closeness and intimacy of a secure relationship, but when they start to achieve that it feels threatening and scary to be so close (where they can be hurt again, whether from abuse, neglect, loss, or otherwise) so they go back to the safety of the distance. It can make it hard to know where you or your partner stands in a relationship, and can create a constant sense of instability in the relationship.

Developing More Secure Relationships

As you reflect on your relationships and relational patterns, it may be worthwhile to think about how your early experiences may have shaped your adult interactions. While childhood attachments give a sense of how your dynamics tend to operate, they are possible to modify and reshape to find more of a sense of security.

#Relationships #Anxiety #Trauma