pre-menstrual dysmorphic disorder

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    Every 28 days #PMDD takes 18 days.

    40% of the year is spent being me.
    Don't be fooled into thinking that being me is filled happily dancing around, singing, holding hands, filled with the joys of spring, drinking in those good moments.

    Being me means spending time picking up the destruction left behind after each episode, trying to piece my life back together, trying to hold my family together once again from the damage thats been caused.

    It means the exhausting cycle of putting old plans in place & figuring out new plans to try and minimise the damage that the impending next episode is going to cause closest to me.

    It means forever living with crippling guilt, shame, embarrassment because of things I've said, ways I've acted & a gut wrenching fear that one day I won't ever be able to claw myself out of that hole of continous thoughts and feelings of wanting to be unalive that each #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder episode brings.

    It means plastering in on a smile for my family while really I'm still crying inside for the days, hours, minutes, I missed with them, whilst a rising anxiety lurks inside me as I know what is coming.

    The rest of my time is spent living as my alter ego, in #PMDDhell .
    Angry, depressed, withdrawn, fatigued, in pain, disassociated from the world around me, in a constant state of self loathing & planning my own demise.

    Even when PMDD is not present, it makes its presence known.

    If you know someone with PMDD, please don't ever tell them it's just #PMS .

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    What are your hobbies? 🌻

    <p>What are your hobbies? 🌻</p>
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    Deleting Your Menstrual Cycle Tracking App? Try These Printables

    When I was younger, I used my wall calendar to track my menstrual cycles. And then my planner. Then eventually, I moved into a digital calendar, and so I also moved into a cycle-tracking app. On the long list of health diagnoses that impact my daily life, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) ranks pretty high. Among other things, this means my cycles can be extremely irregular. Sometimes I’ll bleed for weeks, and other times I won’t see a cycle for months. Using a digital tracker felt like a weight off of my shoulders. It handled the math for me, calculating and recalculating my cycles, letting me know when a cycle might be coming, tracking how “overdue” I was (helpful for showing doctors), and was a light in the dark moments when my premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) kicked in and my brain told me awful things. I could open the app and say, “oh, I’m probably two days out.” But given the Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the new six-week “heartbeat” law in my state (with a statewide ban being debated), and the writing that’s been on the wall – it’s time for me to delete the apps. Past time, really. When the draft leaked, I looked for alternatives. I tried a few, including one that marketed itself really well ahead of the Roe ruling. T he idea of losing all of this historic data from the app I’ve been using for the last (almost) decade infuriates me, and the idea of transferring it to paper feels overwhelming. Ultimately, the best choice for me at this moment is to go back to pen and paper, but the idea of losing all of this historic data from the app I’ve been using for the last (almost) decade infuriates me, and the idea of transferring it to paper feels overwhelming. So, I made a list of what I needed to track, how I wanted to track it, and my process for making this data transfer happen. I know I’m not the only person feeling this way, which is why I’m sharing. Worth noting: cycle-tracking apps are not the only way your data can be tracked and used against you. Taking the step to delete cycle-tracking apps is only one step , and does not fully protect your information from hostile state governments. I made a printable menstrual cycle tracker – it’s minimal but functional – and you can download it below. You don’t have to give us your email or tell us any information about yourself, and we won’t track who clicks into or downloads it. Just click the link below and download. Share it with your friends if you want. It’s a PDF so you can use it in GoodNotes, or print it off and tuck it away. DOWNLOAD THE FREE MIGHTY CYCLE-TRACKING PRINTABLE How to Transfer and Delete Your Cycle-Tracking Data Print off (or duplicate in GoodNotes) one page for every year of historic data you want to save. Record the data from your app(s) to the printable. Probably double-check your work. Tuck the pages away somewhere. Delete your data from the app. Delete any backups in the app. Depending on the app you’ve been using and its terms, email and ask for all your data to be deleted from their servers, mailing lists, sales lists, etc. Delete the app itself. Other Options for Purchase From Small Businesses There are also lots of beautiful cycle trackers available for purchase on Etsy. There are single page trackers, packets, and even some full books. Some have gendered language, but many are neutral. Here are just a handful of options: Menstrual Period Tracker — 3.75” x 6.75” Personal Planner inserts by SimpleandTrendyCo Single-Page Annual Tracker by LiveMinimalPlanners Monthly Single-Page Tracker by WriteIdeaDesign Monthly & Yearly Pages by RunawayShea Menstrual Calendar Journal by TheKapuShop ‘Moonblood’ Tracker: Track With the Lunar Cycles by TheWanderingMoonCo And if you’re into stickers and other journaling supplies, you might like these mini blood drop stickers, these stickers to indicate flow, or maybe these stickers that have symptoms too. You can also use one of those pretty notebooks you’ve saved for the “perfect” time. Oh, just me?

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    My Husband warned me last night, that we were approaching this: I seem to often-times be blindsided by how awful I begin to feel with the onset of my PMDD.

    My inattention causes mistakes at work, and they get pointed out and then I just end up feeling like a failure for my inattentiveness. That in turn spirals with the dysphoria of not wanting to exist and over-reaching emotional pain I can't quite put my finger on because it's not psychological, it's physical. I also have CPTSD, Depression, and Anxiety, which I control with medication, but during the PMDD days it is so much worse. I cry at my desk. I worry about my effectiveness, I feel absolutely useless, and I still have to keep a happy facade because I talk with customers on a regular up to 30-50 times a day among other needed tasks. I work in healthcare customer service. It's a struggle...
    It's like the wind is out from my sails...

    I guess what I'm hoping for is to be heard, and maybe hear from others about this if they have anything to say that might bolster my confidence, and ability to persevere.

    Thanks for listening. - A

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    I feel like it’s always one thing or another. Everyday I am battling from one or all of my issues. Just one day I want to be pain free, depression and anxiety free. Just one day!!!

    I was such an idiot all those years ago when I took for granted the days of remission, the days before the pain came back along with a new diagnosis or two or three. I hope that years from now I am not looking back at today and thinking I was an idiot because I didn’t have it as bad as I will 5, 10 or 15 years from now. I don’t know how much more I can take but everyday I keep taking it.

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