Pretending

Little girl
I know it’s frightening
When the world spins so fast
And life feels like it might
Spit you out and off of its
Nauseating ride
Launch you in the air
And no one will catch you
Just like no one is holding you now

So you Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
Whispering
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Neither one of you can really fly

Around and around you spin
And you squint your eyes so tightly
To keep the fear and tears in
There’s a stranger next to you trying to replace
The irreplaceable embrace
Of a mother’s shielding arms
Of a fathers strength of presence
Though surely neither had any idea
That a harmless ride
Could cause me such alarm
So you Bury the feelings of being left alone
And on your own again
As far down as you can slouch
into the loose belt on this ride’s metal couch

And you just Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
Whispering
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Neither one of you can really fly

“It’s okay, birdie,
I’ll protect you”
Projecting on him all the
Safeguarding you wish you felt
Forced to lean into a stranger
When you feel most exposed
Like a deer in hunting season
In the middle of a field
Fight or flight not options in this moment
So you fawn
Next to this unfamiliar elder
While go away somewhere within
Learning the damning lesson
That If make believe is safer
And If make believe makes me feel brave
Maybe I’ll do this more often
Anyone can soar in painted skies
Tropical paradises
Created by the mind
I’m fine

So you Hold on tightly
To your green and blue stuffed parrot
Whispering
“It’ll be okay”
Into the nape of his comforting neck
You hold his wings down at this side
And hold on tight for both your lives
Because you know that if you get tossed off
Both of you will fly #dissociativedisorders #Trauma #Poetry #Pretending #Memories #Poetry #MightyPoets #sublimation #postprocessing #Grief #Anxiety #Hypervigilance

Today has really been a rough day.
I work in in home care for the elderly and many of them have Alzheimers or Dementia. You kind off get used to it after a while but some days are just really hard.
I have a patient that has been doing very well these last few weeks. He remembered me and my name and knew why I was there. Today he was completely lost and scared. In his mind I was a stranger, an intruder that came to help him with things that he thought he could do himself.
In January this year he moved from his lifelong home to a small apartment in the same neighbourhood. Today he was really confused and angry that he was alone in some strange place and thought that I was locking him in there. He wanted me to go get his mom so she could explain to me that he lived with his parents. He is 86 years old.
It was completely heartbreaking for me to see that things could get so bad in one day. That a friend, a person that I care for and meet every day was so lost and scared. And the hardest part of all is to pretend that what he is saying is true. To calm him down by saying that I will contact his mom and let him think that there is nothing strange about him not knowing me.

Today was rough. But the only thing that is important is to keep calm, keep going and just hope for the best. ##AlzheimersDisease ##alzheimers ##Dementia #HealthCare #coping #HomeCare #Rough #Workplace ##Work #Pretending

I’m exhausted ! This has been the first weekend in I don’t know how long where everything I’ve been going through just vanished. I was able to attend multiple family functions, this weekend without issue. Had conversations with members I haven’t seen in a very long time. I was laughing. Smiling. Talking. MYSELF! I was genuinely having a good time. And for the first time in months I felt like my old self again without those annoying thoughts that make you feel guilty for feeling ok. But I am exhausted! I got in the car and my body just collapsed. My eyes got heavy. My body ached. I felt a surge of anger and anxiety. My mind raced and I felt the need to cry. And I just want to sleep. I got home, ripped off my dress put on the biggest and comfiest sweat pants and sweater I could find. Curled up in a ball beside my Fiancé and just sat there begging, nudging for him to give me cuddles and hold me tight. I guess this weekend was the distraction I needed and craved for so long. But now I am tired, and it makes me feel like the entire time I was pretending without realizing I was pretending. EXHAUSTED.. #exhausted #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicPain #Pretending #NotOK #wasagoodday #CheckInWithMe

We came into the world with wondering eyes
Light and alive and hopefully expectant of the
Comfortable and consistent
Of love then and a great future ahead
Every morning Tasting as Dew
Like the kisses on our cheeks from the ones we most knew
And the nights ablaze with sweet serenades
Drifting to sleep in a room, in a house I belonged to

It’s a conundrum to me really how,
Like a sudden burst of electricity against a dark sky
We find ourselves still awake decades later, but barely alive
No more mounds of furry friends on rocking lullaby chairs
Alone and independent
Codependent
Whatever we learned along the way to keep us safe
To keep life tamed
To keep the circus in the yard and out of our heads
Or so we thought
Despite each time the illusion was exposed at the end of the act
But still we keep on pretending
On balancing lines

I find myself now, alone most days
Functionally broken
But that’s okay
An old doll this day
But once upon a time, brand new
Eventually found myself overused
Dropped too many times
A cracked face and uncomfortable
Silent, I now slump
Lopsided-smile to deter all pity
In my comfortable Corner
here
There is no fear of being harmed by ones we loved most

Most days now
I’m a shadow that can drive a car
Mediate traffic and hold a job
But when I’m not, I’m fading into screen
Life becomes evermore make-believe
Here in this land of play pretend
Everyone is a loyal friend
And no one cheats and no one betrays
And lines of good and evil aren’t grey
Here purpose is clear
Impactful and exciting
Here I am brave
And there’s adventure everywhere everyday

And so I fade another day
Into a place where it’s soft and safe
Where I can choose to pause or play
Where I can orchestrate my life just as I like
A doll forever playing dolls
In a land of greatness and four windowless walls
#DissociationDisorders #escapism #Pretending #Isolation #Hypervigilance #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #MightyPoets #PTSD

I seem OK because I pretend to be Ok. That makes me unbearable tired.

#Pretending # #I seem OK because

#CheckInWithMe
Ever since I was a child I had "unexplained pain". Doctors would tell my mother, "oh she had an infection that settled in her toe, groin, arm, finger, leg, etc. and its causing swelling in her knee, neck, ankle, etc. She has a sprain, a pulled tendon, tennis elbow, a virus, she's trying to get attention, meanwhile I would have actual swelling, high fevers, bruises in strange places, major fatigue and so much more. All my life from mild to severe pain, ribs overlapping(very painful),from as far back as I can remember, whenever I would take my first step to run I would get excruciating pain in my ankles(I would drop to the ground screeching, screaming out in pain, it would stop me in my tracks, but because I could walk the pain away it seemed like I was faking it to others around me, the same would happen to my hips, jaw, neck, knees, wrists, etc. The more I do the more pain, dizzy spells, palpitations, headaches, etc. I had and have. So I learned at a very young age how to suck it all in and keep it all to myself because that was better than being called a hypochondriac and being told by many many doctors that nothings wrong. I also would lie about wear my pain and injuries came from because when I had to walk with crutches or wear an ace bandage saying I was just walking, stood up or picked something up, people would just give me the two-headed look and say things like "that can't happen". These days I have pain every day and still hide it, so many people still don't get it. But I #fightthrougheveryday for the people who matter in my life, my kids. Thank you for giving me a place to lift some of this weight off my shoulders.

Okay. Its early Saturday morning. I'm sitting here rehearsing my role for the day. I am the happy, productive country girl. The loving, caring sister. The woman interested in and fascinated by flowers. I have to push the dark ugly thoughts aside for the day. I pray it's a short day. I should be making millions-- I'm an excellent actress