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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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Violent threats and Bpd

For the last 3 weeks I've had someone constantly threatening me, Giving me. Stupid threats about hurting me when I'm with my 2 year old niece.

I know if I see the person it won't be me getting hurt, I know ile really hurt this person and probably end up in jail, but the voices and thoughts in my head are just encouraging me to hurt them all of them and I don't know what to do, I feel if I can't hurt them I have to hurt myself.
This is fucked

#Selfharm #violence #IntrusiveThoughts #prison


Can anyone truly understand?

Every day I wake up and I feel alone.
I'm fighting a battle in my mind
And I do it alone
I feel trapped
Trapped inside my own mind
But if I open up
If I tell someone how I really feel
I feel even more empty.
Everyone asks me if I'm okay
I put on a smile
I say that I'm fine
But my eyes tell a different story
No one sees it
I'm alone again
My mind tells me that I should have told them
How I really feel

Even when I speak my mind
People only hear
But they don't listen
It's so much deeper than their mind can understand
So why even try?

I'm trying to get better
One step forward
Three steps back
Will anyone ever get it?
Or will it always stay trapped
In the universe that is my mind
Forever alone
Always my own prison
With no key to open the lock
#Depression #prison #internalbattle