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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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My Emotions

The past 2 days have been good for me. I have been happier and I don't know why. There are still feelings of depression that linger but overall things are going good. Now as for tomorrow we'll see but I hope to have 3 good days instead of being down, depressed, anxious. I really wish y'all the best when it comes to your mental health. If you need help please seek it from either a therapist or a counselor. I know that there are bad days but there will be better days. If y'all need anything please don't hesitate to reach out to either me or a trained professional. ❤️ #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #betterdays

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Instead Love Them

Having someone who loves us even on our worst days when we can't love ourselves is one of the biggest blessings in our lifetimes. #BipolarDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Agoraphobia #notalone #betterdays


12 hours...

In 12 hours, I will find out when my surgery will be scheduled. If this surgery works, I might be able to get a job, become a wife, have children. So , please! Please let me fall aslee tonight with as little fear and anxiety as I can, let me wake up just one morning without pain and nausea. Let me make it to this appointment, let this be my saving grace. I am becoming exhausted, I’m losing hope. I need this, I need this more than anyone could understand, and I want it so very badly. #Hope #appointment #Surgery #Undiagnosed #Pain #chronic #betterdays #GettingHelp



When I got out of the hospital all my friends and family said “call if you need anything”, “we are here for you”. All those things you need to hear in that moment. But time goes on and for them it’s forgotten. I am still fighting for my struggling with wanting to live I have been battling for years now. And yes I do see a psychiatrist. It just hurts a little more when you are trying to reach out because you feel so low, just even having someone sit with me. They always give me an excuse or have to reschedule. I understand life gets in the way and everyone has their own battles. It just sucks to feel lonely sometimes is all. so I figured I would write it for this page.. #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Depression #suicideattemptsurvivor #contiuefighting #betterdays #lonely #down


#betterdays I'm doing SO much better :)

Looking back at my posts from 9 months ago brought tears to my eyes as I was in the darkest place I've ever been, but now thanks to finally get the right meds & dosage along with talk therapy and other things, I've come a LONG way baby!!

I no longer have thoughts of self harm and I no longer have thoughts of giving my son up for adoption! We're getting ready for Christmas just the two of us and it's good :)

I'm still hurt that I don't see my grandkids but it is what it is and I have the baby to take care of to help grow into a good man that fingers crossed won't turn out like my firstborn.

My sister came back in my life but she's the same old person and I'm glad I cut off that toxic relationship.

Last but certainly not least I still have the most amazing fiance who still loves all of me, crazy wired brain and all


#dreams #betterdays

I hate dreams. Just woke up from one that somehow reminded me of good times with my ex... but also the pain and drama of the five years since.

Then in the same dream my former sister in law was ripping me a new one for not seeing my kids more

It has not helped that I laid down for a nap yesterday around 2 and did not get out of bed until after midnight. I can’t keep doing this shit


A better day. #betterdays #Depression

Yesterday I was traveling to work and felt the strongest urge to jump in front of on coming traffic. But instead I let tears fill my eyes and watched the cars speed past me from the side walk. I could have jumped. Everyday I’m presented with opportunities to take my life but instead I let tears fill my eyes and allow the moment to past. Today I woke up and got on the treadmill hoping to brighten my mood. It did a little , although depression haunts me daily today was a better day and I am great ful for that.

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Thought that winging off my antidepressant would make things better, but things have went left. Bouts of sadness and self harm but yet I still want to wing off. In denial that the medicine is actually working, I’m only hurting myself. #DepressiveEpisodes #sad #Selfharm #betterdays