When did my bipolar start? I was diagnosed around 9. A child survivor of physical and emotional abuse, trauma, hopelessness, and starvation. Although my sister and I went to our new home when I was 6, my first suicidal thoughts started at age 9.
My father abandoned me at 2 and then was in and out of my life. When I joined a church at 20 (which I later found out was a cult) our fights were epic. My mother is bipolar and therefore in and out. She abandoned us to be victims of her boyfriends. I took my sisters blows. I felt bad for her until her moods and behavior could affect my son. Then I said no way. She needed to get on meds and take responsibility for her life b4 anything else.
At 23 I got cancer. I thought I was God's holy vessel. To use my illness to spread His gospel to the sick and weary. This is what the church led me to believe. And I did until I ended up In the ICU with C-diff. Then I broke.
After this l got addicted to pain killers after 9 months Inpatient on morphine and then needed back surgery. A year later I was pregnant. 3 years later was the first time I got raped. A year after, after 10 years at my church, I realized it was a legalistic cult and left and lost 10 years of friendships.
All of this leads me to say that I AM NOT SUICIDAL. However I do wish there was a way to leave. A terminal illness. Terrible accident. I know it makes me a coward. A horrible person. It's hard To write the words. To confess one of my darkest dreams. But now you know the truth 🥺🤫😳😮 dont hate me.☹