Divorced

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    July 8th..

    Well, today was the day. I am finally rid of you on paper, and I will no longer have your last name. You abused me in every way. You left me with so much trauma to deal with. So even though I am rid of you on paper, sadly not rid of you like I want to be. You destroyed the person I use to be, I allowed you to. Because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself.

    It’s insane to me how you could spend 8+ years with someone.. know them inside and out, go through so much shit, and then all in one day, turn to nothing. But that’s just it, I’ve always been nothing to you. And I’ve known that, I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted to be enough for you. You always told me how I made you feel loved, I just wanted to feel that way.

    But you had better things to focus on, which was you. You were taking care of you, I was taking care of you. Meanwhile no one was taking care of me. You made me hate who I was. You made me a nobody. You kept me from the people who loved me the most.

    In 8 years you made/gave me an alcoholic, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and WORST of all ptsd. For the love of GOD I should have put you in jail when I had the chance, but I loved you. And I forgave you. For everything.. that’s one of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who isn’t sorry.

    Now all I want is myself. I want my life back, I don’t want memories. But that’s all I’m stuck with. I will never be the person I was..

    I will now be better, stronger.
    I’m not sure how I’ll get through this. But I know I will. Because that’s all I know how to do is fight, and survive, except I’ll get to a point where I’ll be living NOT just surviving.

    One day you will no longer be in my thoughts, memories. The trauma you caused me will no longer control me. You’ll just fade away.

    Until then, I’ll keep fighting.

    #RapeSurvivors #PTSD #Anxiety #startingover #Divorced #movingforward #Trying #Goodenough

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    Who am I? #Divorced #RecentlyDivorced #Singlemom

    It’s been about two weeks since he left, but if I’m being completely honest, he was gone long before then. We’ve been trying for nearly two decades, since the time I left my mother’s home. We had four children really young, and we’ve struggled to find a happy balance in our relationship for the duration of our time together.

    We failed each other. And while I know that the fault rests with us both, I can’t help but feel as though he failed me. For years, I tried to be the wife he wanted, the woman he needed, and for years, I never measured up. He didn’t believe I’d ever be enough for him, and so I finally gave up, finally told him to leave then, and he did.

    He’s back at his mother’s place. He’s nearing forty, and every time he comes to pick up the kids for a visit, he can’t help but gush how good he has it now. His mom takes care of his every need and his money can finally grow.

    And yet, I’m left raising four teenagers alone, wondering who the hell am I? I’ve tried for so long to be the perfect wife, the best woman for him, that I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Alone. Forgotten. Hollow. Empty.

    I sure hope this passes soon.

    Xx

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    #Therapy for lifelong #Trauma #PTSD 1st time at 37 #help !!!

    #Trauma #Therapy for #PTSD 1st time really “ready” to open up with #Psychiatrist at 37 #childhoodtrauma #abuse #neglect #fearofabandonment #psychologicalabuse from a father that I would describe as #CharlesManson with a #TheBible in one hand and #Alcoholism in the other. In addition to a family that #rejected me completely so much so that on both sides of my #Divorced #Family I had rules that if I walked in the room within one minute all of my cousins had to leave my #physical presence because I was just #different but never had #behavioral #Problems just major misunderstandings and what seemed like a lot of #bad luck because of the many #Labels that seem to get stuck to me throughout the years in public #Education . So I was sent to live #alone with my #Father at 11 on a #cult like farm with no access to the outside world (no modern technology including TV, Radio or Phone) and he #brainwashed me as a #Child to never speak to anyone or they would lock me up and throw away the key or call me a liar and ignore me completely. So I have major #Trust #issues and have no clue where to begin when I see my #Therapist via video this week. I also have #ADHD with a #mind that is #hyper #creative and #super analytical seems like a #Gift and #Curse when expressing my #Thoughts and #Emotions #help #Advice #ParanoidThoughts

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    can’t stop having #SuicidalThoughts

    I have #BipolarDepression #manicdepression Ive been having a lot issues of #Mania & have spent the last two years grappling with #SuicidalIdeation literally haven’t gone a day without thinking about killing myself in the last two years. My brain won’t stop, keeping me in these toxic loops of self loathing & pain. I’m tired & deal with #Fibromyalgia
    #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicMigraines on top of it which also makes me #suicidal it all adds up & then I’m overwhelmed, I feel like I’m not strong enough to withstand everything I’m going through & I’m getting #Divorced was #betrayed by my husband/best friend & I’ve never felt so alone. I cannot depend on my family, & most of my friends are either online or too busy to be there for me. I get others are going through stuff too but I feel like everyone always says “if you’re having a tough time just call I’ll
    be there” but in the end every time I’ve really needed them & actually reached out, they were no where to be found. I’m just trying to get through each day it’s so hard. #TakeItOneDayAtATime

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    Day 1- various addictions.

    So here I am, the end of what I'm thinking of as day one. In reality, it's about the 5th Day 1 I've had since this all started 5 months ago, so I'm not sure what is different. Other than it feels different. I have support I didn't have the last times. I have a plan - to make myself right. Nothing else. I need to get right with my family- even my soon to be ex wife. I need to get right with my job, I've been neglecting duties for far too long. I need to get right with my friends- I don't have many, and don't want to lose those. and I need to get right with the Lord. So here's to day 1- may it last into many, many more!
    #Addiction #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Divorced

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    Extra support for people with behavioral diverseabilities #Divorced couples


    #CheerMeOn

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    Has any one ever used a legal aid lawyer? And is there such a thing as a regular lawyer that does pro bono work? #alienated parent #Divorced #Lawyers #Missingmydaughter #Ithurtssobad #Narcissistfather #Iwasafool #Hebrokeeveryrulejudgemade #MyHeartHurts #Pleasetellmeyourhonestopinion

    It’s been 3 years since my daughter has lived with me, he enrolled her in a school without me knowing, I don’t see her for months. I thought that things would go back to the way they were which was shared custody, I was in huge denial, I never thought anyone could be so mean. I’m not perfect, but one thing I can tell you is that I followed all the judges rules each and every one, and raised my daughter the very best that I could, never said a bad word about her dad, or tell her how mean he actually is to me. And he has bought her love, and told her many lies. He has $$$, and I don’t! #Talkingtohimdoesntwork #Hetellsmeconstantlysheisjusttobusy #Heputherineverysportimagineable #Wantmydaughterback #Ifeelsodown #Hehaswreckedmyselfesteemandselfworth #Somedaysiwishiwouldjustdie #Thepainistomuch #Ilovedbeingamom #IwantmybabybackHELP #dontknowwhattodo #Mydaughterneedsamom #Shehasnosparetimetoseeme #Ilovehermorethananything

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