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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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Time to look within

This may not end up being a very well-liked post, but nonetheless I feel led to share it.

I pride myself on being a nonjudgmental person. I strive to put aside differences in favor of relationship.

This view of myself has recently been challenged as I am beginning to believe we all have a tendency to stigmatize others, even if it is subconscious, due to cultural upbringing. In the past several months, I have befriended two individuals, one of which practices a different faith than I do, and the other who has a lifestyle that contrasts with my traditional conservative values. My experience with them, connecting with them online and before I learned of these differences, has brought to light the fact that had I met them knowing of these differences, I would have been less inclined to see them for who they really are, amazing, thoughtful, and kind people. Before we point fingers at others for their stigmatizing beliefs, maybe we should look within to see if we, ourselves, are unknowingly doing it to others. This in no way excuses the stigmatization of others, just like their behavior in no way excuses ours.

"First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.". - Matthew 7:5

#TheMighty #MightyTogether #Stigma #StopTheStigma #Judgement #selfawareness

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steer clears of negative blog post, to steer clear of the hateful and harmful comments from Happy Sparrow. But, I feel this post need to written. Today, in my newspaper an article about me was written about having an upcoming court hearing, which instantly bring fear of the wrong person seeing it and the repercussions. This is the second time I have appeared in the paper with my legal struggle caused by mental health. The thing that kicked me in the stomach was someone from my court hearing the other day, that was there for a domestic dispute in their driveway with a neighbor was plastered on the front page of the newspaper. This article painted him to be a horrible person. This made me realize that I will one day soon be front page news again. It’s a horrible thing that the media destroys the lives of people just trying to get on with their lives and better themselves. There is no remorse from reports making these horrible stories isn’t front page once enough. Back to my original comment about appearing in the paper today. I got messaged from people that haven’t talked to me since it occurred telling me that I am in the paper once again. It’s a sad thing that people that must be like this and pound more ridicule into someone that is already down. They say you must find strength from adversity, but it isn’t always the easiest thing to find. My mind keeps trying to figure out plans to deal with that final stake that will soon be pounded into my metaphoric coffin by the media. It says in the bible that, “Thee who is without sin cast the first stone” but you know no one that condemns me is without sin. The bible verse that reminds me that it is best not to seek revenge and to strengthen through the struggles and judgement is the bible verse, “ Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and wit the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

#Judgement #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #mental health

Judgement - Bipolar Tater

Judgement - Bipolar Tater

steer clears of negative blog post, to steer clear of the hateful and harmful comments from Happy Sparrow. But, I

I feel like my older sister thinks that I’m just mean #venting

I always end up just trying to explain the situation or myself, and I feel like she always takes offense to it, or that I’m judging her when it’s not true. It’s so tiring and every time I end up sighing out of frustration because of the same thing, she feels like I’m judging her, when really I’m just so sick of these little things that make us agitated whenever I try to explain something.

It clearly doesn’t help that she has two kids who are more blunt and rude and it can stress her out, which also stresses me out a lot because I hate their bickering, especially hearing it often.

I really want to just move out of here already so that we all can just move on with our lives.

#Sibling #tired #Judgement

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Why Are People So Cruel? #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #mentalabuse #Judgement #MentalHealthStigma #Stigma

This was a comment to a post I put in a Facebook group for abuse victims. I don't post my whole story because it's looooooong, there are a huge number of details, and I don't feel like typing all of that everytime I need support. Besides, no one ever really understands. I get judged, blamed, and it's all turned on me. I don't understand this, especially in groups for people suffering from abuse. I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and can't leave. I mentioned I needed to see my cats, which aren't with me, because we're stuck in a motel, to explain why she mentions my cats. More about the situation with my cats, and the whole situation, is in some of my previous posts here. I have OCD, panic disorder, and depression, plus physical disabilities. I'm not lazy. I've cleaned, cooked, and done other household chores in the house we lived in and apartments before that. I've gotten worse, both mentally and physically. She doesn't know me, but she immediately seemed accusatory. My boyfriend had told me Saturday he was going to do laundry, but later claimed he said he'd do it when he got around to it. He told me he'd do it that day. He has money to do it: I don't. He did laundry yesterday. I got upset when I came back Saturday to find he hadn't, because I had no shirts left, had planned to go out, and I was going to visit my cats. Here's her latest comment, which is highly misinformed and hostile:

You have to visit your cats. Are you kidding? You claim he was supposed to do laundry. Nobody does laundry. All you have to do is put the clothes in the washing machine and the machine does the work. Then all you have to do is put the wet laundry in the dryer and the machine does the work. Then all you have to do is take the dry clothes out of the dryer and either fold your clothes or hang them up. Seems to me you're extremely lazy and come up with excuses.

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The dangers of being judgemental - The life of a Pastor. #Depression #Judgement #Christianity #Addiction #Relationships #Anxiety #PTSD

It’s been a rough day. I had a heavy Physio session that left me with lots of nerve pain. I did some jobs at church and got home for lunch at 2pm. I was just starting to unwind then someone rang wanting an urgent meeting because “the church is in a very dangerous situation”. I wondered if it was a true family crisis or another conspiracy theory.

This guy believes that the Covid vaccine is designed to kill masses of people. After dancing around he finally cut to the chase. He instructed me that I must kick two ladies out of the charity my wife and I personally finance and created 13 years ago. We house people at risk of homelessness and families needing intensive help.

The two ladies he mentioned are possibly gay. He said if I don’t remove them he will leave the church. I tried to restrain myself and told him that a) All single people are required to be celibate while in the program, b) God loves gay people as much as straight people and c) The program was created by my wife and I, we finance it, we operate it and I reminded him that his own daughter and family live there also and they have multiple issues but we have shown them nothing but love and kindness.

If he does walk away I am not going stop him. The times we read of Jesus getting angry was with The Pharisees.
I won’t be influenced by emotional blackmail, I will not single anyone out.

God loves everyone, no favourites. I must do the same.


Does the idea of trying to know your values scare you? Do you feel like you have no values at all? #values #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I felt frozen when this topic came up. Fear that i have no values, shame and guilt for feeling indecisive about it and not knowing, fear of what could be my values, feeling helpless and hopeless about it and feeling resentful and angry about it. How do people know their values? What is the difference between values and beliefs? #Fear #Shame #anger #resentment #Guilt #BPD #helpless #hopeless #Indecisive #Judgement

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A little #Inspiration . A little #Advice . Hope this makes you #smile ❤️

You only live once. #faceyourfears and go for it. Follow your heart, don’t let #Anxiety ruin it. Family comes first. True #Love does exist. You have to let it go to know what it’s like without it. If it’s meant to be it will come back and it will not only work out, but be better than before. Never give up #Hope . Love with all your heart, no matter how foolish it may seem. Always say I love you. Never go to bed mad. Love everyone, but have healthy #boundaries . You never know til ya try it. If you don’t go for it and try it, you will never know and will always wonder what would’ve happened. Don’t pass #Judgement . Do you. Take care of your #Family and #Friends but don’t pour from an empty cup. #takecareofyourself , #replenish your cup daily. Don’t let anyone tell you how or who to love. #BeYourself . The right ones will love you for you. Don’t #worry if they like you or not, you’re not here to please them. Do what makes you #happy . Let them #Talk , they don’t know what’s in your #heart and mind so they can’t make decisions for you and have no right to judge.

🎶Don’t worry be happy🎶
🎶Love is my religion🎶
🎶Life’s a journey not a destination🎶

Living my life to the fullest despite my #MentalHealth
#Advice for everyone #struggling
I live with: #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Agoraphobia


Shhhh calm down

So I have bpd (diagnosed) and have had it suggested that I have adhd due to manic episodes. When I’m feeling “manic” or “hyper” I struggle to control my volume and become bouncy. I usually feel happy but unfocused during this time. I hear buzzing sounds snd everything is bright.
People (family/friends) very often shhhh me or ask me to calm down when I’m like this. For me this triggers my mood switch. I don’t feel like I control how I am when manic and being asked to calm down makes me feel as though I’m being judged or that I’m embarrassing. It hurts and I’ve highlighted this. I understand that shushing someone isn’t that bad but for me it represents “be normal” and I end up self hating and feeling a burden. These are my people I jus want them to accept happiness for me is extreme and my behaviour is a lot but it’s part of me!! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #hypermania #ADHD #Judgement

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Christmas and Judgement

So it’s Christmas time and the mandatory gatherings of “family” that don’t bother to communicate with you for all 364 other days of the year. The comments on your appearance, your job and pretty much everything you don’t want to talk about. I’m particularly not looking forward to the comments on my weight gain😕, behind my back and to my face without ever stopping to consider what the cause is or why they think it’s ok to humiliate me. No I don’t eat lots and no I’m not lazy. I have health issues and medications for these issues and the weight gain is a side effect. I don’t comment on how much they drink, what they eat or in general pass judgements on their lives. The unwanted and humiliating advice, the “why don’t you try this?” And “Why don’t you exercise?”. Yep didn’t think of that!
If I had a Christmas wish then I would really like not to be made to feel like I am inferior and not good enough to be there. They have no idea how much it takes to get me to work through my anxiety just to get in the car and drive there, to take those steps into the gathering and having to mentally prepare for the instantaneous judgement as all eyes see me and the judgement that comes as they scan me up and down and then it goes from there. The glances exchanged across the table between people because you have food on your plate. Please, please don’t judge someone on weight gain or anything else...you have no idea how much it took to show up and how many tears were cried knowing that day is coming. #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #weightgain #MentalHealth #Judgement #ManyTearsCried