relapsed

My best friend had a kidney auto-transplant surgery on Friday for her #nutcrackersyndrome and while the surgery went well, her recovery has been super unstable and I've never been so afraid that one of my friends might die.

Earlier this summer my dad was diagnosed with early-stage heart failure and unknown kidney problems, we just found out last week he also has stage 4 kidney disease. And today my dad told us (my family) his latest lab results show slight anima and an infection. But he didn't have any details to give me about the type or possible severity of the infection and my anxiety is running wild.

My overall mental health has been literal trash for months and last April I was bad enough I could have been admitted to the hospital for at least a week but I avoided it. I kept lying to myself that after I was out of the crappy living situation I was in that that would fix everything. But removing the brick that smashed the window doesn't repair the window. The start of the new semester is in 2.0.0.5 weeks and I'm freaking out, in that time I have to pack up everything and move, finish summer school, and work, just to name some of the things. I feel like life is just this sick game of seeing how much a person can go through until they break. Or seeing how many different ways a person can break. I was 5 years clean from #Selfharm until this spring and I've #relapsed multiple times since that first relapse. I thought I would NEVER go back to SH. But here I am actively struggling with it again. Is the universe trying to figure out just how much it'll take for me to actually try to take my own life? I've had a #Suicide plan for years, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm not at the point where I'm planning on it. I just really want out of life because I honestly don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm losing my mind and breaking, and I haven't even been through any of the 'major' traumas (like physical or sexual abuse, witnessing frequent domestic violence, having an alcoholic parent/partner, etc.). I'm so freaking weak for struggling with the relatively minor hardships I've faced. I want out, why can't I just pause my life without drying and ending it? I can't leave my family. I promised my brother I'd stay so here I am. But right now the idea of having to live gives me an anxiety attack.

#Anxiety #Depression #CheckInWithMe #IAmNotOkay #Suicide #AnxietyAttack #CollegeMentalHealth #Death #Health #ChronicIllness

I had to be weighed in hospital on Friday, when my levels dropped, so I had to be pumped with fluids. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. They came back into the room with sad eyes and just said ‘Your BMI is now 16.1′. I feel completely heart-broken to end up in the same situation I was in half a year ago.

Also feel completely fat because I’ve just ate a couple of cookies. First thing I’ve ate in six days and I feel disgusting...

I know what’s triggered this complete and utter fall back, it involves trauma, trauma memories, staying on a section after a year and a half being in this rehab and a complete breakdown in family relationships.

Either way. This is where I am at the moment.

I’m trying to remain positive, despite everything. I know I haven't wrote anything on here for a long while.

3 years self harm free and in one night 2 inches up my arm.... what the hell is wrong with me? why do I keep worrying the people I love? why do I feel the need to punish myself like this?!?!?! #Anxiety #Depression #Selfharm #Relapse

I gave in to the temptation.... and now I'm floating. My head feels so, so light. Everything is good for a while.. filled a big glass with raw cognac and a hint of cola and quadruple dosed on my sleeping medication.... f7ck #Depression #Selfharm #CheckInWithMe #Relapse #relapsed #intoxicated