residential treatment

It’s been a while.​

I’m not even sure when I last wrote. Life has been busy, and a source of constant change. Within this time, I have continued to do the next right thing. Sometimes just taking it moment by moment. ​

I have outgrown my old life. I have grown into someone with the need for a purpose. The need to help others.​

And so, tomorrow morning I start my drive to Utah. I am moving. I’ve secured a job in the recovery field. I will be a recovery advocate in a residential trauma facility, just like the one I attended a year ago. ​

I’ve rediscovered who I am to be, what I want to do. ​

This decision didn’t come lightly. I’ve spent a year weighing the pros and cons. Listening to my heart as it tells me who I am, and what I’m to do. ​

This past year has been hard, and it has been amazing. I’ve found myself again. I may not always like the person I am, but I’m learning to love her just as she is. ​

Tomorrow, I will be on a 36 hour drive to the home I’ve found with my found family. ​

This new journey in my life looks like it will be amazing.​

I am ready to move from surviving to truly living. ​

#CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma #Recovery #Healing #growth #ResidentialTreatment #traumatreatment #MentalIllness #change

A year ago I was clinically emaciated, and going through refeeding.

I’m glad I documented this process because it helps me remember how hard it was. It wasn’t just that month in residential. It took months to be able to eat again without my eating disorder screaming at me. It whispers, now. It whispers and I can tell it to fuck off.

My therapist told me she can literally tell when I haven’t eaten that day. She can tell by my mood. And she is never wrong when she calls me out on it. It was eye opening to see just how much starvation effects my depression.

So when I have to force myself to eat, that realization has helped probably more than anything else has. I ask myself, is this worth my happiness? When I feel depressed I’d give anything to not feel that way. And this is one of those things I can do. I can nourish my body to nourish my mind.

I’ve said more than a few times this year, as my eating disorder attempts to sneak it’s way back into my life, that I never want to have to come back from that again. And I’m not certain my body could handle another relapse, to be honest. #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorder #eatingdisordertreatment #EatingDisorderRecovery #Residential #ResidentialTreatment #MentalIllness #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Recovery #growth #Healing

I’ve spent the past year, especially the past 6 months, working hard on myself. I dealt with trauma I’d never addressed before. I did painful EMDR sessions. I allowed myself to feel my most painful feelings. I’ve cried. A lot. I was vulnerable and opened up about things I’d never opened up about. I was my real, authentic self and was loved and accepted that way. I had to actively work to literally retrain my brain. I’ve worked on challenging my negative thoughts and negative core beliefs. I’ve seen those beliefs that I held onto so strongly start to move and change. I have discovered who I am and what my values are and who I want to be. I have worked so hard, felt so much pain, I’ve taken a hard look at myself and addressed things I needed to in order to work on being a better person, and cried so many tears.

But it was all worth it.

The most amazing part of all of this is that I’m seeing all of that hard work pay off.
My life hasn’t gotten any easier, but I’m showing up differently. I’m responding to things in ways I never dreamed I could. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings instead of pushing them down. I’m reaching out and processing things. I’m realizing my self-worth, setting boundaries, and standing up for myself. I’m pausing and really thinking so that I can respond, rather than react.

When I first started this journey, I’d have to argue with my negative thoughts and beliefs and remind myself how I wanted to respond to things and what I wanted to believe about myself. I had to reality check those negative thoughts. I had use opposite thought and force myself to try to believe what I was telling myself. I had to pause and say, “What is the story I’m telling myself? Is it accurate?”. I had to make a conscious effort in so many ways.

When things occur lately, and I watch myself naturally responding in the way I’ve been actively working so hard to do. It is an amazing feeling. I am literally seeing all of my hard work paying off. It is so rewarding. I’m becoming the person I want to be.

It has been an incredibly tough journey, but I am beyond grateful for it.

The work isn’t over. It’s never over. There are always ways to grow and evolve. But seeing progress is a great motivator to keep at it. It’s proof that I can change. I can be the person I want to be.

#Healing #growth #MentalIllness #CPTSD #PTSD #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #ResidentialTreatment #Therapy #emdr #copingskills #oppositethought #Recovery

I’m struggling right now.

I’m back in residential for a couple of weeks to help stabilize because my SI got bad again.
I’m in so much emotional pain. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. I’m forcing myself to eat. I’m trying to sleep. I’m not isolating. I’m trying every coping skill that has ever worked. I’m trying every suggestion given to me, and nothing is working. The pain just won’t subside.
I know I have to process it, and that’s what else I’m doing. I’m not blocking it (which is hard when it’s your automatic response to block it). I’m feeling it. I’m crying, which I rarely do. I’m crying a lot. I’m talking about it. I’m not letting my mind focus on SI as an escape from feeling the actual issues. I’m doing all the right things and I’m still in so much constant pain. I just have to sit in it. I just have to feel it. I just have to let it be with me for the time it needs. But I am hurting so much, with no reprieve. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of fighting my brain. But I’m still doing all the right things. Hopefully this lessens some, soon. Because it feels like I’m drowning. I just need to come up for some air. Just a break.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Healing #coping #Feeling #Depression #si #ResidentialTreatment

After 106 days in a residential trauma center, I’ve been out for about a month now. I’ve been living in a mental health/sober living transitional house, while doing IOP.

It’s been a hard transition, but I’m getting used to this. I’m starting to accept that that part of my life is over and I need to look forward.

It was really hard going from a place where I was surrounded by so much love and support 24/7. It had been the first time I had ever felt safe. I was so worried I’d never feel safe like that again.

My anorexia started to come back full-swing. The staff in IOP (the same staff from residential, minus the techs) were super supportive and helped me a lot.

I’m trying to focus on the times I feel good. I’m remembering the bad doesn’t ever last. It’s okay and normal to still feel bad sometimes. I’m learning to accept my feelings, remind myself they won’t last, and remember when I’ve felt good and realize I will feel that again.

I’m focusing on doing the next right thing. I don’t need to have the rest of my life planned out. I don’t have to worry if I’ll ever be okay or when the next bad time comes. I just need to do the next right thing.
I don’t want to eat, but I do, because that’s the next right thing to stay in recovery.
I want to isolate, but I don’t, because it’s the next right thing.
I am working on being more present. Sitting in each moment, accepting it for what it is- even when it doesn’t feel the best.

I am beginning to think that I might actually be okay.

#NextRightThing #Recovery #ResidentialTreatment #IOP #Anorexia #AnorexiaNervosa #MentalHealth #MentalIllness