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*Trigger warning* This piece includes a personal account of sexual assault & living w/ HIV. From VICTIM TO SURVIVOR! Still here Life is good. PART TWO
Out of the dark, painfully back to me….
(part one posted below.. please start there)
I added up all the days (and hours) combined that I have lost spent in different forms of healthcare due to being HIV+ after my diagnosis. It ended up being full months of my life, 24 hours each day combined. Days and days of clinic appointments, specialist appointments, procedures and surgeries, hospital stays, therapy, attending support groups, endless conversations and more. I had these surgeries & procedures numerous times as a direct result of my attack. I suffered through fears every time I dealt with health challenges I have had to deal with: Thrush; C-deficile eight times often losing a week or more out of my life recovering; Shingles two times, including being hospitalized for a month when I was very lucky that I didn’t lose vision in one eye. I had them on that side of my face that ended looking like Elephant Man; and Bronchitis over twelve times that I even began to diagnose myself. I have learned quite a bit about medical information, terms, symptoms and solutions, even equipment, testing, and trials. I’ve also had Pneumonia. Each time I had Pneumonia I was immediately hospitalized for days, treated as if I had PCP Pneumonia which was very intense and overwhelming. PCP pneumonia was one of what they called an opportunistic infection that killed thousands of people that were HIV+ in the early years of the virus.
And the worst was Neuropathy. Neuropathy first led to tingling digits, then very cold feet and hands, then the “shooting pins and needles” … which is an accurate description of the sudden pain out of nowhere that felt like stabbing needles, over and over. Then my legs went numb from my toes up to my knees. When this happened I was actually thankful that the stabbing feeling stopped. When the Neuropathy peaked my fingers also got numb and I would wake up to a frozen jaw. I ended up bedridden for 9 months and was told I may never walk again. I was blessed to have a family friend, who was an AIDS provider and researcher, recommend a change of meds that saved my life. Today I still deal with Neuropathy with pain even after a short workout or walk.
I had fears of death and dying for over 20 years, didn’t think I’d live to be 25 (I’m 61 now) then I had horrible PTSD, then incredible Survivors Guilt after losing so many friends, yet still being here myself. I have been through decades of seeing Psychiatrists, Psychologists, therapists, and social workers from a life turned upside down for 41 years. For years I was reminded of my plight every time I took my meds, saw a doctor, felt physical pain or felt lost and confused. The fact that being diagnosed with HIV/AIDS was considered a death sentence back in the late 80’s/early 90’s wasn’t just a shadow for me, I also watched people succumb to the virus one by one, way too many, with way too much pain. Now those of us who are Long Term Survivors thankfully are still alive, yet deal with all kinds of emotional and physical challenges that continue as we enter our middle age years still alive ... but still HIV+.
Today if treated HIV is basically a chronic disease, take your meds, you’ll be just fine. People just diagnosed today in their teens or 20’s will not know anything of what we Long Term Survivors went through…will never understand the fear, worry, pain and emotional and physical turmoil we went through in the early days. Will not have to fear for their lives. Will not know what it was like to watch as others diagnosed HIV+ died one after another, all around us!
So sadly I remember that night now, that fateful night when I was given no chance, and clearly was raped.That criminal changed my life forever. He took an action that screams abuse, violence, and unwanted selfish disrespectfulness! In the age of the “Me Too” movement my story is not nearly unique, I share it because it’s not just about me. The stories of men raped by men goes way beyond priests and current sex offenders. Men like my attacker walk by you on the street, on the subway and at work every day. I hope I can raise awareness and people can not only make healthier choices but also if attacked hopefully work through the shame and come out and tell their stories too.
Moshe Mark Adler
July 9th, 2017
Current edit, September 12, 2026
EPILOGUE- in re-reading this while I edited it a few years ago, I realized that hopefully my sharing this on my personal FB page where I have 1,400+ followers would be the last step so I could move on. Bottom line I have HAVE NOT gone searching for him. I also realized that I haven’t struggled with this anger anymore. Maybe that was the next step towards forgiveness...maybe Karma will catch up with him. Then I had a weird thought, I had never considered if he was still alive. If I did get infected by him in 1985 for many POZ folks at that time it WAS a death sentence. Actually odds are he’s no longer with us.I’m one of the lucky ones to be a Long Term Syrvivor all these years later!
Maybe I had to “forgive” myself for the shame?!? Once again, writing can be very therapeutic and cathartic for me and sharing is important, because over the years I have been told that I don’t just write for myself...in some of my writing I am a voice for so many other Long Term Survivors, in some I’m the voice for so many friends I’ve lost to the virus that can no longer tell their stories. In this piece I write for other victims of abuse!
Today I have come to the point where it’s just part of my journey, one of the experiences I have had, trauma yes, but it’s also in my past. In regards to this instance Instead of continuing to think of myself as a victim, I now think of myself as a survivor. No one can take my power away from me. Instead, I can just stop, reflect, own, learn and grow. That’s how I choose to see it all now. I’d rather relish all the good things that I’ve experienced in my life and give thanks I’m still here to keep experiencing them!
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