I constantly blame myself for other people's actions and problems sadly
Even though that's out of my control
Just I be paranoid about What Strangers Think about me
diagnosed with Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder bipolar disorder
and Generalized Anxiety disorder and panic disorder and PTSD
Not Paranoid like Having Delusions or something
But Paranoid About What people Think about me.
Like I Rarely leave my house. Because of my anxiety and stuff As usual
Not going to go in detail about Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and social anxiety and etc
But the times I do leave my house I be so exhausted
But I be thinking my neighbors when they see me are mad at me or something
Like when I hear them slam the door or something
I be thinking I did something wrong to make them slam the door
Like I literally tip toe around my home because I be scared I'm being kinda loud
Even though my house is very quiet
I don't even have people over my house
Since I don't have friends and I don't leave my house which is my fault
But I literally tip toe
I'm 6'2" 225lbs but Im a bigger guy
But I literally tip toe because I just be paranoid
About my neighbors
Even though that drives me nuts with so much worrying
Like I Have a next door neighbor that plays music loud on weekends sometimes to 1 2 3 4 am sometimes
I don't personally have a problem with him playing music though
That's what works for him
Even though majority of the time I listen to music on my Noise Cancelling Headphones.
But I be thinking my neighbors are mad at me or think I'm playing that loud music
Which I'm not personally. Majority of the time I listen on my headphones which sounds like a sound system
That My Dad used to have in the trunk of his car with the DJ speakers in the trunk
Like it be so loud the car starts rattling a little.
But since I have a hard time leaving my house
I don't really go anywhere outside of food or bills or pharmacy or physical appointments
Which gets tiring and stupid but my body reacts all the time
Plus the medicine I take makes me sleepy during the day
Like If I wake up early I still feel constantly tired and end up going back to sleep
Sometimes 10 + hours which throws off my natural sleep pattern
Since the medicine helps a lot but that side effect of tiredness
Regardless of how early I take it.
But since I only be at home
I can't go to in public but private chain commercial gyms
Since it's full of people and I had a few panic attacks
And never could get a workout in so I wasted money
On a membership and I never used the gym properly the way I want
So I'm my anxiety and my brain just reacts in front of people
Headaches and temporary blurry vision and all kinds of weird symptoms
So I had to get gym equipment to workout at home
Which has been so helpful for me
Which workout at home if the medicine doesn't mess up my schedule
Since it messes up my workout schedule
Because it makes me so tired
Since due to my Agoraphobia I only workout at home
Due to my Agoraphobia and anxiety etc not leaving my house
Which causes me not to be active even though I'm a naturally active person
But anxiety is so detrimental to me physically
I was at risk of Type 2 Diabetes
since it runs in my family as a African American Male in His Late 20s Early 30s
I was at Prediabetic Range when I got blood work done
So I wasn't working out then
But I used to workout at home growing up since I had weightlifting equipment
But lost my weights in storage when my Stepdad passed away in 2015 which since I couldn't leave my house
Caused me to not be as active
Which In turn since I can't afford the best diet as well
Even though I want to eat better and I do try
Just healthy food is so expensive. When you have to consistently buy it
Especially when building muscle and stuff. Since muscle needs protein and calories naturally
Which I used to undereat throughout my 20s
Atleast protein wise.
But Working out At home
I be Very quiet working out since I live upstairs
And I have a silencing pad if I'm doing rows which I be so paranoid about me making noise
Even though I'm quiet.
I don't do deadlifts personally because it is awkward to me
But I do rows which helps my back
And I have a Silencing pad that silence all the noise
Even though I be very quiet working out
Even though my workouts last maybe at most 2 hours
But different exercises since your body can't handle doing the same exercises over and over again
Which I had to do at jobs lifting heavy loads of veggies and fruits and boxes constantly
Which I was very anxious and had blurred vision and all kinds of stuff
Panic symptoms as usual when I leave my house
And I was still trying to move those fruit barrels that at filled with water and fruits and veggies that spilled on the floor
From the work floor and having to dump that every 10 minutes
300 lb 400 lbs barrels with manual strength no pallet jack to dump it on a higher surface.
Since water 💦 is very heavy when it's compact in a tote or container with veggies and fruits
Which adds weight people don't realize how heavy that is.
Water is very heavy. And water is not compact like that it's very unstable compared to free weights.
Think of a water bed 🛏️ a water bed is heavier than the most heaviest mattress.
Water is different than air
Oxygen or air is not heavy a air mattress is very light
But water or a regular mattress is heavier
Which I had panic attacks on those jobs not going to go in detail about it
McDonald's and Warehouses and factories and goodwill and a few department stores
And adult beverage trucks I used to unload which with my anxiety
I also used to get flashbacks looking at alcohol or being around it.
But back to home workouts
Just I be scared my neighbors mad at me for working out
Even though I am very quiet and I don't work out at late at night or anything past 10 pm
Just I be anxious and thinking my neighbors mad at me even though they don't know me
Because I rarely leave my house like that
Which my neighbors kinda realized I don't leave my house Alot.
Some tried to ask me why I don't leave My house
But I was so anxious to tell them
The truth which is my anxiety and stuff.
But I just be paranoid
Because working out at home is a coping mechanism for me
I be so cautious I don't even make noise even during the day
I tip toe around my home
Which is probably weird
My neighbor's never told me they had a problem
But I guess me living with people in the past kinda give me bad memories
Of people slamming their doors because I had a hard time leaving my room
And stuff.
And I don't drink nor do drugs
Which not shaming nobody that does.
Just I have a long family history of substance abuse disorders
Especially Alcohol
So I got bad memories from family members that used to cause violent and still get nightmares about
So I found working out at home is a natural coping mechanism for my anxiety
Just I feel no anxiety after I workout
But it only lasts a hour before my anxiety comes back
But that hour after working out at home
It helps me feel so good and relaxing
Like my anxiety disappears pretty much
But after a hour slowly comes back.
But I understand some people drink and do drugs to cope with their stress or stuff
But for me personally since substance abuse strongly runs in my family
And left some bad memories
And I have a addictive personality
And sometimes substance abuse can be genetic
Since I have a family history of substance abuse disorders
Going back several generations
And I know if I try hard drugs or alcohol I might get hooked
Plus I had family members that organs like liver or kidneys and heart sadly was damaged or had health problems
And I don't want to deal with another issue on top of my anxiety and nightmares and stuff
Just working out helps and works for me
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