Hello everyone. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have found myself not being able to handle it. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by social media.(not suicidal) This month is Nation Mental Health Awareness month and I haven't been as active as I usually am about representing people who struggle like myself. But today I stand proud today to say yes I have several mental health disorders; one being bipolar disorder, (So when a person is moody, or mean they aren't "bipolar", or what yall call "crazy")
I deal with hypomania and depression and sometimes I go days running on 2-3 hours of sleep. I become paranoid and often irritable and I cant stop it. During depressed moods; I am the opposite. Sometimes I stay in bed for days. Yeah Ill admit it, sometimes its difficult to have the strength to shower because I honestly don't care. I like darkness and everything and everyone pisses me off. I want space.
My life has completely turned around since I've been sick. I gained weight, loss my hair, loss my teeth, loss my memory, acquired brittle bones and bad eyesight. My teeth were my armor; my smile was my golden ticket.... now my teeth crumble like a rock slide. I'm getting married and I have no confidence in this smile that once gave me joy. I never thought the pharmacists would know me personally and we would be besties.
I never thought that I would go visit past places where I was employed just to reminisce about working to remember the money I would make and the fun I had. The fact that I made enough money to be happy and to be independent. Losing your independence is like losing your soul; and now I feel like a moocher who has to ask for money....even for a pack of gum.
During all this I also forged a worried mother. I stressed my mother so bad she started losing her hair, having stomach issues, migraines and she doesn't know sometimes I hear her cry at night.
Mental health has haunted my life; its been in my life since I was 4. Recently I look at my bipolarism as the grim reaper. Lately it feels like the grim reaper has grabbed my hand and cuddled me like a baby and wont let me go.
I want to be better. Anyone with a mental health issue or disorder does; but the struggle to get back to your place of peace is so hard.
With all that being said; I will be shutting down all my social media with large following and overwhelming content and also all news apps. (with the exception of 1)
I will be deactivating my page at midnight.
Thanks to everyone who supported me, laughed with me and encouraged me.
If you or know someone who is feeling suicidal please call
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline