I feel wrong.
My mother always says I say she is constantly wrong.
I don't like my every relationship being compared to her ex husband who nearly beat her to death, tried to kill her, forced her to still birth in a bathroom and bury her daughter in a dumpster when I was 4 years old.
I don't like every time I correct how she is training her dog I am glared at, screamed at, snapped at told to butt out.
Then when the rat is causing fights getting himself nearly killed with dogs 3 times his size, over her food, not his own, HER FOOD, SHE IS EATING, THE DOGS ARE NO WHERE NEAR HIM.
My dogs are blamed, my dogs are getting yelled at, I am getting yelled at for not controlling them.
I have to listen to being shamed, and blamed, and she does it to my kids.
Then when I ask her to stop talking over a show, she assumes I mean stop saying something racial, which I wish she would shut up about race and gay being in everything.
I asked her to stop talking over the show because I could not hear it. I could not listen to her, and focus on the show.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said anything, I won't say anything, It's My fault, I should stop talking, I will never say anything again ever."
I cannot even get a word in edge wise, then I am yelling and fighting because I cannot say what I even mean.
Then I feel guilty and shamed into abiding the same behavior.
Like I am sorry I have noise sensitivity that YOU POINTED OUT!!!YOU POINTED IT OUT!!! WHY AM I IN TROUBLE FOR HAVING NOISE ISSUES WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE TO TELL THE DOCTORS I HAVE NOISE ACTIVATED SEIZURES.
Then there is my husband. That is a whole cluster F*ck of evil.
Broken his arm in December.
I have been to every appointment. Have been begging for treatment and advocating for him and everything.
Then when I need him to be there, he waits in the car.
I have begged for more than 5 years for help losing weight, now I am just doing it on my own.
We have been in so many fights, and I am so worn out I want to just call it quits completely. Mainly because I am doing all the heavy lifting.
He feeds the animals, and cleans and cooks.
I make appointments, budget, pay bills, know all the passwords, know all the schedules, know where the kids go to school, know which kids have which friends, make sure they have the right social events, keep track of medications, set up accounts and that is not just for 5 humans.
Countless chickens and ducks
Plus schedule feed, slaughter, breed, raise, vaccinate.
And according to all the illnesses going around adjust those schedules.
I am worn out mentally.
A year and a half with no sex.
No I am not Asexual, he is Traumatized.
I am tired.
I need to just be alone.
Like alone alone for a week or three.
Every time I get a chance, my mom, husband, kids, animals, need me right then and now.
I am worn out.
I want nothing but books and wild and my cat and my dog and freedom.
I have planned running away more times than I can count.
I just want it all to stop.
#BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #alone #worthless #Wrong