Wrong

This cat in the image gives me the face I make when my husband sees me reaching for something to put in the cart and tells me to put it back. I feel like I am so wrong or about to do something that will #hurt me. When things are #Wrong or #IAmStruggling it doesn't feel like I have #power . I feel #powerless .

#shoppingaddiction is real. My mother has it worse than me right now, whereas I have people telling me "No!" And "Put it Back!" Holding me accountable. It still feels hurtful.

I no longer go to stores just to "Look." I cannot go to a store just to "Look around." Especially an issue if I see something and cannot buy it. We are all experiencing some kind of #financial issues. #Medicine is so dang expensive, and that often causes us to fall into a pit. I do not know what to do, but I have been trying things other than talk #Therapy .

I decided to click online "Add to Cart" or "Add to Wishlist." This is common for websites like Amazon or Bath & Body Works. Especially now that the Christmas season is here.. I see things I want to #Buy for other people, or things I want for the #home or for #Myself . It feels #bad .

Have you experienced #shoppingaddiction ?

If so, what do you do?
🛒🛍️💳💰💵💸

I need #Advice .

I feel wrong.
My mother always says I say she is constantly wrong.
I don't.
I don't like my every relationship being compared to her ex husband who nearly beat her to death, tried to kill her, forced her to still birth in a bathroom and bury her daughter in a dumpster when I was 4 years old.
I don't like every time I correct how she is training her dog I am glared at, screamed at, snapped at told to butt out.
Then when the rat is causing fights getting himself nearly killed with dogs 3 times his size, over her food, not his own, HER FOOD, SHE IS EATING, THE DOGS ARE NO WHERE NEAR HIM.
My dogs are blamed, my dogs are getting yelled at, I am getting yelled at for not controlling them.
I have to listen to being shamed, and blamed, and she does it to my kids.
Then when I ask her to stop talking over a show, she assumes I mean stop saying something racial, which I wish she would shut up about race and gay being in everything.
I asked her to stop talking over the show because I could not hear it. I could not listen to her, and focus on the show.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said anything, I won't say anything, It's My fault, I should stop talking, I will never say anything again ever."
I cannot even get a word in edge wise, then I am yelling and fighting because I cannot say what I even mean.
Then I feel guilty and shamed into abiding the same behavior.
Like I am sorry I have noise sensitivity that YOU POINTED OUT!!!YOU POINTED IT OUT!!! WHY AM I IN TROUBLE FOR HAVING NOISE ISSUES WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE TO TELL THE DOCTORS I HAVE NOISE ACTIVATED SEIZURES.

Then there is my husband. That is a whole cluster F*ck of evil.
Broken his arm in December.
I have been to every appointment. Have been begging for treatment and advocating for him and everything.
Then when I need him to be there, he waits in the car.
I have begged for more than 5 years for help losing weight, now I am just doing it on my own.
We have been in so many fights, and I am so worn out I want to just call it quits completely. Mainly because I am doing all the heavy lifting.
Literally.
He feeds the animals, and cleans and cooks.
I make appointments, budget, pay bills, know all the passwords, know all the schedules, know where the kids go to school, know which kids have which friends, make sure they have the right social events, keep track of medications, set up accounts and that is not just for 5 humans.
5 humans
4 cats
5 rabbits
6 dogs
9 goats
Countless chickens and ducks
Plus schedule feed, slaughter, breed, raise, vaccinate.
And according to all the illnesses going around adjust those schedules.
I am worn out mentally.
A year and a half with no sex.
No I am not Asexual, he is Traumatized.
I am tired.
I need to just be alone.
Like alone alone for a week or three.
Every time I get a chance, my mom, husband, kids, animals, need me right then and now.
I am worn out.
Dead. Tired.
I want nothing but books and wild and my cat and my dog and freedom.
I have planned running away more times than I can count.
I just want it all to stop.
#BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #alone #worthless #Wrong

“Go left! Now turn left” I turn left “WTH ARE YOU STUPID WHY DID YOU TURN LEFT WHEN YOU SHOULDVE TURNED RIGHT?!” I stutter and cry and apologize. I live with this treatment daily. I do and act like the the drawn out description of who I should be? I’m wrong. I’m criticized. I’m torn down. I get exhausted and burned out from all the repression and smiles and pretending I’m fine and I finally lose hold of my “crazy” and I’m still wrong bad no good worthless. How can you heal or even begin to try to heal in an environment like that? And that’s just one behavior I’m dealt by my “loved” ones.

“Go left! Now turn left” I turn left “WTH ARE YOU STUPID WHY DID YOU TURN LEFT WHEN YOU SHOULDVE TURNED RIGHT?!” I stutter and cry and apologize. I live with this treatment daily. I do and act like the the drawn out description of who I should be? I’m wrong. I’m criticized. I’m torn down. I get exhausted and burned out from all the repression and smiles and pretending I’m fine and I finally lose hold of my “crazy” and I’m still wrong bad no good worthless. How can you heal or even begin to try to heal in an environment like that? And that’s just one behavior I’m dealt by my “loved” ones.

“Go left! Now turn left” I turn left “WTH ARE YOU STUPID WHY DID YOU TURN LEFT WHEN YOU SHOULDVE TURNED RIGHT?!” I stutter and cry and apologize. I live with this treatment daily. I do and act like the the drawn out description of who I should be? I’m wrong. I’m criticized. I’m torn down. I get exhausted and burned out from all the repression and smiles and pretending I’m fine and I finally lose hold of my “crazy” and I’m still wrong bad no good worthless. How can you heal or even begin to try to heal in an environment like that? And that’s just one behavior I’m dealt by my “loved” ones.

Most people see Hope as a good thing. They even think it's like that picture.
It's more like this.
H.orrible
O.verwhelming
P.ain
E.nvelops
It does nothing but cause me pain and disappointment. It does not lift me up, it does not make me feel better. Hope is horrible and I don't like it, it is not good for me. Hope gives you something to focus on true, but the more you do it and your hopes become dashed, it destroys you and makes you think that maybe next time it will be better. And it isn't... So I expect nothing and if something does actually happen that someone would have gotten their hopes up for, then I'm super surprised and that goes a long way. Just dont ask me to have hope, because it will be a waste of yours and my time.
And don't even get me started of faith!
(P.S. I just don't want to do this anymore.)

When you get broken up with via text because you’re “too much to handle”. When you get told you’re just plain “wrong” for the last time. You’ve heard it so many times before, you’ve told yourself it’s them not me, but this time you realise it IS you. YOU are the toxic one. YOU are the one causing all the issues.

I have now come to accept that my BPD means I just can’t have a meaningful relationship. It doesn’t work. I give up on them. I. Give. Up. On. Relationships. I just cannot put myself through the pain of abandonment anymore. That’s what’s too much to handle.
#Wrong #BPD #Relationshipsborderline #Toomuchtohandle