Because both social & mainstream media have wore the word out, I don’t like to use the word “trigger” often, but when it comes to my mom there is no more appropriate word to use than to say she is, and always has been, one of my biggest triggers. Along wt the fact that I have made some major mother blunders of of my own in the past makes Mother’s Day sorta’ touchy for me.
My mom has always wanted nothing more than to be a great mom, & to give her kids a better life than the one she had growing up. Her intentions have always been extremely pure, it is her actions that cause problems. She has, & always has had, untreated mental illness including EXTREME anxiety, & then depression after her dad died when I was 9. Her “go to” emotion when she is anxious, overwhelmed, confused or sad is angry, so she has just been extremely angry my entire life. Although I have 4 brothers, she very openly directs the vasy majority of that anger at me. It definitely has some psychological thing to do wt her seeing herself in me, & she hates herself, so yeah. For most of my life we could never get along bc she was always yelling at me & berating me for one thing or another. I was a great kid, straight A’s, teacher’s pet, in the Gifted program, band, etc., but all she ever did was yell at me about how hateful & disrespectful I was. I was always grounded for something, & yes physical punishment was implemented regularly for pissing her off for looking at her wrong or whatever.
Once I turned 18, graduated & moved out, we finally could get along. But by this point I was SO extremely messed up mentally & emotionally. Fast forward 12 years, my world was falling apart, I left my addict husband who was ruining our family wt his addiction; I wanted better for our 2 kids, but by this time I had developed a drinking problem. My parents kindly let me & the kids live wt them while I tried to get us on our feet, but my mom treated me like I was 16 again, & constantly hounded me, talked down to me, & nitpicked me about everything I did, down to how wrinkled a child’s shirt my be for school, to how late I slept on the weekends. Ultimately, the morning before my 30th bday we had a HUGE blowout. In her extremely dramatic fashion, she called the cops om me bc she was “afraid” of me. When the police arrived they said that since I appeared to be no threat, they couldn’t arrest me, but since I appeared to be in mental distress, I COULD REQUEST they take me to a mental facility. I knew what I needed. I asked that they take me. I got money for the next week’s daycare fee & left it for my mom, & left with the police.
A couple of days in at the mental hospital I was doing great & knew I had made the right decision to get care. I was feeling positive about where my life would go once I got out & could go home & start healing. Then a CPS worker came in & interviewed me. The day I left to the hospital my mom immediately called CPS on me. She said she had hoped they would contact me & let me know someone had made a report, & that would basically “scare me straight.” That she didn’t know (somehow) I was getting help at the hospital, & that CPS would revoke my parenting rights, & my right to sleep in the same house wt my kids while they investigated my abilities as a parent.— I was SO devastated when I was told everything by CPS. My kids are my universe, & without them I am empty. The case investigation lasted 7 months, & although it was closed wt no wrong- doings found against me, it was the worst & most difficult time in my life.
During the 7 month period of my investigation my relatives wt my mom was obviously completely shattered, but she had me wrapped around her finger bc she had my kids. The worst incident wt her was when she decided to come “check” on me at my brother’s house to see if I was drinking & I was, & was also wt a guy. She went absolutely batsht & scared the life out of the poor, sweet guy I was wt. She stood on the lawn yelling at me about how horrible & helpless I was, then recruited my younger brother to come do the same. Yelling at me repeatedly that if I cared about my kids, I wouldn’t be how I was. That was the night I tried to take my own life. Many years later when I told my mom I tried to kill myself that night, she scoffed & said, “OH. So now you are trying to make ME feel guilty for that??” And looked at me like she could kill me.
Today, my mom is there, as always, to help wt any and everything for everyone. We get along better, but she still has an extremely short fuse wt me. I just have changed my ways of reacting to her. I feel sad for her bc I can only imagine how miserable it must be being so miserable all the time, but I also get irritated bc I know she knows how to get help. I did NOT plan on writing all that I wrote, but it just came pouring out. It is very difficult in the real world to complain much about the person who does so much for you, even though on the other hand she’s done so much damage.
I am SURE there are others out there today whose moms are their triggers, and THAT is why I began making this post, bc I know someone can relate. #MothersDay #AnxietyTriggers
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