dyinginside

I can't do this living thing anymore. Don't want to live. Can't God just take me away. If he doesn't want to take me, I'll take myself. #dyinginside #lonelybattle #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

My father has stage 2 pancreatic cancer and has done 8 rounds of chemotherapy. The doctor said he was strong enough to do surgery tomorrow but they did need to do a CT scan to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. I just received a call from him explaining the surgery is cancelled because they found a mass on his lung. I personally do not know a single cancer patient that has survived if cancer spreads to their longs, if anyone does that's amazing. My BPD, chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD... it's all acting up off the charts. I can go from sobbing to feeling like I'm numb to feeling that pit in the middle of your chest. And I can't tell him because I don't want to put the stress on him. Also my boyfriend's mother passed away last year of cancer so when I talk to him about it it brings up old memories for him and I feel like I'm torturing him and I'm a horrible person for it but hes the only thing that grounds me. I don't know what to do!

I don’t know...I think it’d be nice to talk to someone. My brain just feels like mush 24/7 and I feel like I’m lost in my thoughts most of the time than not. I feel all the parts are working except my skull is pressing into my brain, not enough to hurt just enough to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to stop being a disappointment. A part of me is saying this is conditional, it’s not permanent it’ll stop once school ends. A part of me is saying the issue is not circumstantial. I honestly believe that more. I’m realizing I’ve been not good for years now. This semester just happened to be stressful enough for me to show my true colors and I honestly hate it. I’m so mean, not as mean as a certain person keeps telling me but wow I’m not a nice person. I look in the mirror and feel like if I wasn’t as sound as I am I’d be something truly horrifying. But my eyes are dead. My hair is flat and split and tangled. I look tired and dull and scared and angry. I’m certain enough of my mental state not to be worried but I really do look like the villain before they became the villain. Like the beginnings, when they’re giving their tragic backstory. It’s kinda comforting in a way, I think I’d be more worried if my outsides didn’t match my insides. I honestly don’t believe anyone on this site is gonna read this and that’s okay. But I need you guys to know I know how crazy I sound and maybe I’m just being a bit over theatrical, but I know I’m human, I’m not a monster. There are things that are better than a year ago and things that are worse. I just really need to find a reason to live. A way to get out of bed in the morning. A way to remind myself not to over eat or buy take out when I start getting stressed. A pat on the back to tell me it’s okay if I need to be medicated for my depression and that even if it can’t go away completely I can learn to live a full life with it. And then a follow up of them saying it’s okay that I flinch when people touch me and I’ll get over it. A thought that I am capable of loving someone and being loved and just because I’ve been touch starved all my life doesn’t mean I’m a lost cause. Cause I’m not a lost cause, I’m just lost. But it feels like I keep looking for a map, or a guide and none of the answers are right. Like ‘oh yep that’s a map’ but it’s not my map or someone says, ‘oh well I took the route behind the waterfall’ but that paths flooded. I can’t keep living off of “someday I’ll be okay” when I needed to be better than I was today yesterday. If someone knows how to start being better today I’d really appreciate it. I hope everyone’s trying, not their best it’s okay if you can’t do that right now, just trying. I hope you guys are on your way and to those who aren’t I’m rooting for you. I’m just lost. #Spiralling #Depression #hopelessness #dyinginside #help

#Depression #Anxiety #Abuse #dyinginside #help #SuicidalThoughts

No matter what I do I’m wrong I don’t do anything right I never say the right things I can’t even do depression right it feels according to my husband. I am so lost and feel so invisible and alone and empty at this point he says I don’t do anything to help myself or make things better I really am trying I just want to give up cause I feel so defeated 😭
#depressionsucks
#dyinginside #soalone

I find myself around certain people putting that mask on. I tend to ramble and talk to much. I tend to giggle to much. While, all the while I’m dying inside. The words I’m okay slip from my lips as fast as my car used to recognize Walmart. Now, I stay hidden behind the walls, so I can be me.

I met this guy. We fell in a very intense love. Now I’m pregnant. He left me and moved his ex baby mama back from California to Colorado. He keeps talking to me. Telling me he loves me. Playing a game with my head. Telling me he is sick of her and wants her to leave. It isn’t true. I can’t stop talking to him and seeing him. I need help. I’ve tried to move on. I can’t. I don’t want to be alive anymore. Why am I not good enough? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #betteroffdead #betrayal #SuicidalIdeation #help #dyinginside #Cantmoveforward