freedom

I have been in recovery from alcohol and drugs for almost 4 years now. I also struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years. I am now in recovery for everything, and life is getting better day by day.

I finally took a step back to see what everyone else saw. I have journaled regularly for years, and going back through them has been heartbreaking. A couple of months ago, I saw some pictures of me that actually scared me. I struggle witg body dysmorphia and have for a long time. Seeing those pictures, all I kept thinking was "This is not me, i don't look like that.' But it was me. I made a deal with myself that day that I was going to use the 12 steps in the same way I did for my addiction to help myself. I already knew what to do because I have already been in treatment multiple times. I started out slowly eating small but nutrition packed things, and eventually added til I was up to a safe BMI. I am "in the clear" now because my BMI is in the normal area. But that doesn't mean I'm healed and recovered fully. I still struggle. I have my days. But as long as I take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, I get through the toughest parts and can continue on with my life. I still don't like pictures and probably never will, but I'm ok with that as long as I can continue this journey of yoga, meditation, meetings, and processing my emotions instead of pushing them down and using negative things to cope. #MentalHealth #EatingDisorderRecovery #AnorexiaNervosa #freedom

I often wondered if the outside world was as bad as the life I was living. I didn’t disclose the abuse until after it started. I was silenced by shame and fear. Now I am ready to share my horror with the world. The monster I dealt with didn’t live under the bed or in the closet. He walked around, worked, acted as a family man. So much so I trusted him and now looking back, I wonder what made me trust him. I was a child when the #SexualAbuse started. I was molested on a daily or near daily basis. My body didn’t feel like my own. I felt awkward, dirty, confused, and used. The molestation continued for years. I kept it a secret mostly because I wasn’t sure if my experiences qualified as abuse. I wasn’t being beaten or starved so I didn’t classify being touched inappropriately as abusive. By the time I was sexually assaulted by that monster I had grown used to the abuse. Though the #SexualAssault made me fear for my life there was something familiar about it. Like all the other times I was abused. Not to mention the onslaught of #EmotionalAbuse I was subjected to by another monster. I was psychologically torn down. I began to accept the abuse and believe all their lies. I believed I wasn’t good enough, that I deserved the abuse, that I was a bad person and that sex was a bad thing and yet my worth depended on it. After leaving the abusive situation in 2019 my life went further downhill. Financial losses, no relationship with the family, self harm and a suicide attempt. I was later diagnosed with #PTSD which changed things. But after I met my now fiancé things changed for the better. My life is more stable, healthier and while I am doing intensive therapy to work out the trauma, I can say each day gets better. I have found someone that loves me despite the trauma and a family I can call my own. So while I may struggle with the effects of being abused, I can say healing is possible. It just takes time.

I encourage you to share your story if you feel comfortable. This post has been truly liberating. Thank you for allowing me to post here. My voice and your voice have power! I will no longer be ruled by fear and shame. That belongs on the monsters that abused me. I appreciate the feedback.

#ChildhoodAbuse

I often wondered if the outside world was as bad as the life I was living. I didn't disclose the abuse until after it started. I was silenced by shame and fear. Now, I am ready to share my horror with the world. The monster that I dealt with didn't live under the bed or hide in the closet. He walked around, worked, acted as a family man. So much so that I trusted him and now looking back, I wonder what made me trust him. I was a child when the #SexualAbuse started. I was molested on a daily or near daily basis. My body didn't feel like my own. I felt awkward, dirty, confused and used. The molestation continued for years. I kept it a secret mostly because I wasn't sure if my experiences qualified as abuse. I wasn't being beaten or starved so I didn't classify being touched inappropriately as abuse. By the time I was sexually assaulted by that monster I had grown used to the abuse. I was used to being used and discarded. Though the #SexualAssault made me fear for my life, there was something about it that seemed familiar like all the other times I was being abused. Not to mention the onslaught of #EmotionalAbuse I was subjected to by another monster. I was psychologically torn down. I began to accept the abuse and believe all their lies. I believed that I wasn't good enough, that I deserved what was happening, that I was a bad person, that sex was a bad thing but yet my worth depended on it. After leaving the abusive situation in 2019, my life went further downhill. Financial losses, no relationship with the family, self-harm and a suicide attempt. I was later diagnosed with #PTSD and that changed things. But after I met my now fiancé, things changed for the better. My life is more stable, healthier and while I am still doing intensive therapy and working out the trauma, I can say that each day gets better. I have found someone that loves me despite the trauma. I have a family I can call my own. So while I may struggle with the effects of being abused, I can say that healing is possible. It just takes time.

I encourage you to share your story (if you feel comfortable). This post has been truly liberating. Thank you for allowing me to post here. My voice and your voice matters! I will no longer be ruled by fear and shame. That belongs to the monsters that decided to abuse me. I appreciate all the feedback.

We are strong together!

#ChildhoodAbuse

No matter how long they beat you down, how long they cheat, how long they steal what means the most to you! Never quit!
I was honest with my feelings and wanted a good marriage and family! Instead I was ridiculed and put down by the man I married. Now he wants a divorce and I will be free! #freedom #no more abuse #I deserve love

Just watched a documentary on The Protestant Reformation for History class. Catholics and Protestants were both martyred for their faith, many being burned at the stake.

I share this because I feel so foolish for complaining about my relational and mental issues and doubting Him when we are so blessed to be able to worship without, for the most part, the fear of being physically persecuted for it.

This in no way minimizes our illnesses. It just helps me to see the big picture, the macro versus the micro, so to speak.
#Jesus #god #Faith #freedom

It has been 1 year today that I've been abuse free. It's a great feeling and I'm moving forward with a new start to the up coming new year. New city, new home, new job. It's going to be tough for a little while but I now know my strength and my worth.

If you are in an abusive relationship, I encourage you to leave when you can. My marriage almost killed me more than once and leaving was and is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Even though I most my children in the wake, I have hope that they'll come around someday. #Never again #freedom #Abuse

Wasn't too sure how I'd feel, the day of my retirement (10/31/22). I thought I'd be an emotional wreck on video, with my coworkers. Nope, for once it didn't happen. Spent 1st full day Tues, doing nothing. My body & brain after 30 yrs needed to start healing. So here it is Friday--Slowly feeling good pain wise. Dealing with #'s for 30 years, takes a mental toll. All i can say is, I'm the happiest (i think. other than my wedding day) I've been in decades. I was never so happy to retire !! Now I can start on trying to be healthy. #Retirement #happy #freedom