functioning depression

Topic: Living with anxiety/depression
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There are days where I feel confident and thriving . There are times where I have felt useless and incompetent as a human being.

There are moments where I am capable of making a difference.
There are time when I find myself amazed at what I am doing now.

There are moments of disbelief where I would second guess my capabilities as a human being.

It is like having a parrot on your shoulder which it would taunt you with your own fears and insecurities in your head like it is spinning slowly.

Yet, I keep bringing myself out and being available to provide what I can do with my best capabilities that I know how to do.

Yet, I find myself at this point where it is just a normal part of who I am as an individual. I have my own trepidation about myself as much as I continue to show that I am capable as a deaf individual.

It can be tiring as that it is never done. I just need to remind myself that I only can do what I can do. I need to learn that it is okay to ask for help.

Asking for help is the bravest thing that we all can do. It is the act of vulnerability where we grow as we learn and recognize that we are stepping toward to make a difference in ourselves as a human being.

Why do the humanity has its own fragility where we make it harder for people to be vulnerable and ask for help?

Why is it hard for people to be authenic without being reluctant to be open?

Why is it a struggle for people to say that they are struggling?

#Deaf #Anxiety #FunctioningDepression

Considered by many to the first ever rock star, allow me to describe some of my healthcare(less) journey, by borrowing a few words from master blues artist Robert Johnston: “I went to the crossroad, Fell down on my knees / Standin’ at the crossroads, tried to flag a ride / Didn’t nobody seem to know, everybody pass me by / Standin’ at the crossroad, rising’ sun goin’ down / I got the crossroad blues this mornin’, Lord / I am sinking’ down.”

After finally getting the results of the much anticipated private test I did, yesterday, it showed multiple issues, many of which were no surprise at all… but highlighted some issues, of which I had no awareness at all. Made worse by the fact that I do not possess the skills for an in depth understanding of the intricacies of hormone and neurotransmitter cascades, enzyme carboxylation and so on. Yet it is apparent this is where at least one major issue rests for me, and it seems from the literature I’ve read thus far, that serotonin syndrome is so little understood, just finding someone who is familiar with it, may be another mountain to summit, just to reach the starting line.

The private endocrinologist I consulted with over 3 months ago, has still not come back to me with the results of the blood tests he ordered, yet the hospital has sent me the bill for said tests. It’s clearly a dead end in terms of the support and interest he has in my case, yet my GP won’t do much of anything until I get his feedback which leaves me in the proverbial catch 22.

I’m sick, I’m always tired, and have been forced to treat myself for going on 5 months now, which the medical establishment has already weaponised against me by declaring my interest in my own health to be clear evidence that I am a hypochondriac seeking attention—to the point of manifesting test results showing conditions I could not have willed my body to produce, even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I think if I could think my way into an illness, I probably would have focussed on something that would be easily treatable and fit neatly into their “I have hammer, therefore everything is a nail” mentality.

To my further detriment I did not opt to attend medical school armed with the prescience of mind to foretell that I would need this knowledge later, and there’s also the cold harsh truth that if I had boatloads of cash and a posh upper crust accent, doors I don’t even know exist would probably be being flung wide open for me because power respects power.

This in my opinion, is the cruel side of healthcare being both political and transactional: when you are considered wealthy, you get all manner of perks and doors opened to you—often for free. Yet when your means are limited and your need for this kind of assistance is greater; is when when this support would be most beneficial.

Tomorrow is another chance at this thing called life, but for today I’m feeling the Cross Road Blues because like Robert Jonhston; I feel like nobody seems to see me, everyone is passing me by… and the weight of it all has got me sinking down.

#WritingThroughIt #Thoughts #FunctioningDepression #Insomnia #MyCondition #ChronicFatigueSymdrome #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #BrainFog #HealthCare

Well holy moly, it’s been a year since I’ve posted anything on this app. So, let me reintroduce myself…Hi again! My name is Emily. I’m now twenty seven years old and like many, I still struggle with depression, anxiety and other parts of the emotional rollercoaster called LIFE.

I feel over the past year, parts of me have gotten better at dealing with my highs and lows. I don’t feel I dip as low as I used to or hit high peaks as often as I once did either. I find I’m starting to manage being in the middle of it all. Which I guess is good? I’ve spent many years chasing a happiness that I thought every person had to constantly be. But that’s not how life is. I’ve found people who seem overly happy-go-lucky all the time really annoy me.. because it’s so far from any type of real. At least in my opinion. But atlas, here I am. Im learning to be okay with not being okay some days and also accepting just being. Now don’t get me wrong, some days can be significantly more difficult than others..but, overall I feel more at peace with myself than I have in forever. That may also be due to the fact that im getting older. Whatever the case, im happy to just be and to understand that it’s okay to be just as I am. Im not an overly happy person, but im also not as sad and gloomy as I once was. Im just here. Going through the motions. Trying to live and “adult” as we all do. Yea, I do have happy moments and times, but that doesn’t have to be always. And that’s completely okay. Hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I’ll make more of an effort to post more again. #ChasingLife #Adulting #Anxiety #MoodDisorders #DepressionIsABitch #Cheers

I cleaned my kitchen! As that may seem like a simple task. I want to elaborate on it.
February 2021, my 70+-year-old mom broke her leg and developed a blood clot. She was on bed rest, and I would take care of her.
In August, I decided I wanted my Ph.D. My father gave me his blessings to pursue it. My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2020. At the end of August, he was placed on 'in-home' hospice. 'End of life' was his cause. From one week to the next, he started slowly deteriorating, a tough thing to watch. He passed on October 11, 2021.
Since I still had work, school, mom, kids, and dogs, I wouldn't allow myself to fall apart. Depression was at the foot of my door, and I was on the other side, laying bricks to keep it from fully coming in.
I knew I was depressed, Walking depression. I couldn't get out of bed, and I'd force myself. I pushed away my friends; I'd blame it on homework. I stopped cleaning. I gave my teenagers chores. They saw a busy mom, so they took on the task.
On March 30, 2022. My mom was diagnosed with early stages of
frontotemporal Dementia. I had only studied every bit there was about Alzheimer's. What is this?! The wall I built to hold my depression out came falling. It felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't want to consider my mom would go through this.
For a week, I mainly stood in bed. I half-assed my homework. I tried to keep up with work, and I barely ate. I'd check on my mom and go back to bed. I bought the kids food to air fry. My soul felt exhausted; I felt wholly defeated. I questioned the why, "why should anyone want to struggle to make a life if the end is like this?" "There is an end for all of us; what's the point?"
I came out of my house and sat with my mom. She loves to garden, and she is exceptionally creative. She makes things out of almost everything. I asked her, "how are you feeling with the news of your dementia?" She said, "I haven't forgotten anything yet; I want to take advantage of every moment I have left because life is too precious not to enjoy."
Although I know that to be true, this is what I had practiced with my dad. Knowing my mom, best friend and backbone, would soon no longer be herself, mentally and emotionally, was tearing me apart. Hearing the strength in my mom's voice, and hearing her want to live life the way that makes her happy, changed my thought process. I'm still sad, but I have a purpose for waking up. Because she wakes up, my kids wake up. I'll continue my Ph.D. as much as possible because it's a personal goal, and I'm ok with not finishing it if I cannot.
I want to enjoy every moment and treasure it until I no longer can. Live the simple life. I have let go of everything that tends to hold me back, my anxiety and depression, by believing that I cannot control life and what is destined for us. But I will enjoy it as much as I can. So today, I played music loudly and deep cleaned my kitchen.