Is it me? I have been through a lot. Personally, professionally, and health wise.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: health issues, anxiety, death, suicidal threats, miscarriage, cancer scare
I have been with my husband since 2007. We got married in 2015.
Here’s a small break down of what I’ve been through:
• Lyme Disease (2013-2015)
• POTS (2014-2015)
• Opening a business w/ my husband (2016)
• Death of my maternal grandmother (2017)
• Death of my paternal grandmother (2017)
• Closing a business w/ my husband (2017)
• My mom’s death (2018)
• Emergency surgery due to a kidney stone which actually prevented me from saying goodbye to my mom (2018)
• My dad’s 1st suicide attempt (2018)
• I started a new career (2018)
• I had a miscarriage (2019)
• 3 more kidney procedures (2019)
• I had a cancer scare (2019)
• My dad’s 2nd suicide attempt (2019)
• Miscarriage 2 (2019)
• I currently have cysts on my spleen (2020)
• I currently have a sliding hiatal hernia (2020)
• and just a smattering of other issues ranging from personal to professional to health in between.
I’ll admit I haven’t been perfect through this. I’ve developed health anxiety and general anxiety as a result of all the stress. I can be overwhelmed and distracted. I don’t always use my best tone when speaking during times of stress. I have switched to survival mode. I can do better. I’m trying to do better.
Saddly, my husband is no longer sure if he wants to be with me. He states I’m not longer fun or enjoyable to be around. He told me that I’m all “doom and gloom” and that perhaps we are wrong for one another, but all the constant drama distracted us from the fact we shouldn’t be together.
In my opinion, he treats me like a burden. If a health issue does arise on my end he do not help. He simply slips into his office and avoids me until I sort it out alone. I feel like he shuts down on me if I mention a problem. I’m hesitant to even speak to him because I’m worried it will either disappoint him or turn into a fight.
He has his own downfalls. Since we met he has always displayed some characteristics of being selfish and lacking empathy. We were young and I assumed these traits would develop with age and experience. Plus, he always uses really harsh words during an argument and “goes for the throat” so-to-speak.
I’m working on myself. I see a couslor. I’m working on my axiety, my coping skills, and a number of toxic traits I possess. I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken. I’m trying for me and for my relationship.
I feel my husband should work on himself too, but he states that staying with me while I learn to change my behavior is how he is “making an effort”. That statement hurt because it made me feel like I’m the only one to blame.
So, I have to ask....is it me? Did these events in my life make me unbearable to be around? Am I the only one who needs work? How can I do better?
#Relationships #healthissues #Advice #AdviceWelcome