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Not enough time

3 days of breavement leave is not enough time. I lost my Grandpa on Monday and I had to come back to work today. It isn’t enough time. Yes he was on hospice for the last few months fighting cancer and dementia and yes I knew this was coming but it still isn’t enough time. I’m so god damn angry. It isn’t enough. #angry #Grief #Hospice

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Today has been a #Roughday . Not just for me.. but, my kids. We buried my Bampi (grandpa) because #neglect in a #hospitalexposed him and he had #noimmunesystem . Instead of him getting help and coming home to turn 81... he ended up in #Hospice and #lost before his birthday in October... dying younger than his mom did.
This man helped my Nanny (grandma) raise me. We weren't the closest... but, he was #theonlyconsistentmaleinmylife , besides my Uncle.
My oldest was #connectedtohiship and is #nowlost . He is a #sensorykid and an #empath . He knew something was not right way before I told the kids.
Try explaining to a 3yo that wants to give Bampi hugs and kisses knowing he likely doesn't feel well because of dialysis or sugar issues and just want to love on him to make him feel better. #Tryexplaining to him why he can't do any of those things, or see him any more, because simply saying he is taking a peaceful long nap doesn't work.
Hearing a 7yo #specialboy wanting to bring his camera along the ride. Sure. Then, when we get to the funeral, #ithithomehard . He left his camera in the car. Later, while I am trying to explain to the 3yo why he can't see Bampi and that he is napping... the 7yo chimes in... and because he is dead. This is why I left my camera in the car. I wanted to take a picture with him and show him my camera. 💯💔🥺😭
Sometimes... #realitysucks .
#UntilWeMeetAgain #reincarnationexisits


Prayers needed

If you pray, please send some prayers for my grandma and my family. My grandma is 92, her 93rd birthday is in 6 days. She lives with my parents and I, and has been in long term hospice for about a year after having a stroke. She was doing well until two weeks ago when she was in respite care for five days... when she came home the change was unbelievable. She could no longer walk and was extremely weak. The nurses/aides did not get her out of bed, did not change her clothes, and did not shower her. Her nurses/aides from hospice were not allowed in the facility “due to COVID”. The facility administration says that’s not true, that they were told they could come.

We are devastated. That nursing home is the reason my grandmother has entered the final stage of her dementia, and will probably not make it to New Years. I don’t even think she’ll make it to Christmas. She has been bedridden for the past three days, is rarely awake, and barely speaks, and when she does I can’t really understand her.

At this point we’re just keeping her comfortable and waiting for the inevitable. My parents and I have gotten sick from being so worn down and stressed, and unfortunately my mother had to be tested for COVID today as her doctors suspects she has it, which means both my father and I, not to mention my grandma, have been exposed. We won’t know for 48 hours if she’s positive or not.

I’m just really sad, overwhelmed, stressed, and feeling like crap right now. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. #Prayersneeded #CheckInWithMe #Hospice #Dementia


Grandpa and Grandma not doing well

My grandpa on my dad’s side is not doing well in hospice. We got a call Sunday morning saying he is unresponsive, not eating, and on oxygen. I don’t even know if I get to see him again. My grandma on my mom’s side is also not doing well. She can barely walk upstairs. I’m afraid that it’ll be our last Thanksgiving with her. Why can’t I just get a break this year. 2019 was shitty enough with my dog dying. I just wish I could see my grandpa again, even if it’s the last time. My family tries to cheer me up but I’m so mad and sad. I wish I got to actually see him more, but COVID happened. I wish my uncle wouldn’t only call when things were going bad. I don’t want to go to therapy, I just want to see my grandpa. I don’t want my dad to be sad now. I don’t know if I can take anymore loss in my life. #Hospice #Depression #COVID19

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Anyone with experience with hospice?

Due to issues with my current palliative provider began the process of looking for another. New agency, whom I like so far, has suggested I'd be better served on hospice as they could provide almost everything at home and bring some continuity of care, something i currently struggle with a lot. Would love to hear of others experience. Especially with difference with palliative and hospice. TIA for sharing! #Hospice #Dysautonomia #GastrointestinalDiscomfort #Gastroparesis #MotilityDisorder #FeedingTube #ivfluids #Pacemaker #PureAutonomicFailure #FailureToThrive #ChronicIllness #chronic pain


Feel like everyone hates me

My mom is in hospice. No one is looping me in about her care. I don’t know anyone’s names. I’m trying but it’s exhausting. I feel like I have no control over the situation. And every time she comes out of a drug fog she’s confused and agitated and nasty to me. One of my friends barely talks to me anymore. Another one won’t tell me anything about her life because mine is harder. And now I’m starting to feel like I’m annoying other people too. I know it’s all coming from the stress about my mom and how she’s talking to me, but I don’t know what to do. I’m even worried my therapist doesn’t like me. Is this normal? Part of grief? Or something else...ugh #Grief #Hospice #Anxiety #Friendship

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How do I say goodbye to my mom?? #Cancer #Depression #Hospice

My mom was taken to the hospital on Monday, November 19th because she was losing her breath walking really short distances. They found out that she had 3 liters of fluid built up in her upper abdomen.  Through many tests and stuff, we found out  4 days later that she has a mass on her uterus and that it is at least stage 3.  A biopsy was done the following day.  A week later she met with the gynecological oncologist who then informed us she has stage 4 uterine cancer.  Since then, I really feel like my mom has given up.  And now, this morning, I received a call from my dad that she doesn't want to try treatment any more, she just wants to go to hospice.  My heart is absolutely breaking.  How do I let go of someone who has been my best friend for the past 41 years???  This isn't how it's supposed to be....