I have withdrawn from communication from all family members other than my siblings over the past couple years. The main issue is with my mother, but if I communicate with any extended family members, she will find a way to get the information and then reach out to me again. She comes up with these situations that she decides are absolutely crucial (ex. do I want this old bookcase they are getting rid of?) and will bombard me with messages (email, WhatsApp, SMS, etc.). I don't respond or even open the ones that would have a "read receipt", so then she starts bombarding my siblings saying that she desperately needs an answer to this question and would they ask on her behalf. This behaviour just confirms to me that I am not ready to have contact with her again.
So, she had texted me last week to say that she and my dad would be in town over the weekend. I didn't read the whole thing, so I am just assuming that she also tried guilt-tripping me into seeing each other. And then my 100-year-old great aunt died on Saturday morning.
And now the bombardment begins. The big difficulty here is that I am actually in the same city so I can't isolate myself as well as I could when I lived abroad. I cannot attend this funeral. I keep asking myself if I would regret it later if I didn't but I don't think I have the perspective to be able to answer that question.
The thing is, I feel like if I go, the expectations on me to be who I've always been - my typical role in the family system - will be so high. I'm at a point now where I don't think I can even fake being that person anymore, but I don't have any kind of solid expression of myself now to replace it. I don't know who I am or what I like or what I want to do or even what I believe.
And that's the other issue - I can't walk into a church. The funeral will certainly be a religious event and I can't be part of those words and conversations and Scriptures and prayers and I will have my religious abuse triggered and start dissociating and lose the ability to form sentences or be present.
To be honest, the part of me that has always highly valued and appreciated heritage and history and tradition is either very deeply buried or dead and I just feel nothing about my aunt's death. I know there is a lot of emotional repression going on too, but I simply don't have the capacity to open this up.
I don't see my therapist until Thursday and it's already been since Saturday.
I'm not looking for advice about what to do, but just wanted to share with someone what I am experiencing right now.
#Family #Relationships #Funeral #EmotionalAbuse #spiritualabuse #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth