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Comfort from the dark

Early this morning, I came to the realization that I’ve had had this level of loneliness, always on the edge of despair, and on the verge of some sort of a breakdown. And somehow, I made it my home when everything else wasn’t going right. No matter how calm, how happy, how sad or indifferent I felt from childhood on, I’ve found security in darkness. Yet I was looking for light too. But today, the adult is done with the setup that has been going on for a while now. I speak to the man of the house not only to be cordial, but to make things easier for my mom in a way. Lately, I’ve felt that I had to force myself to speak because I ques it was kind of expected. To be honest, I can go without speaking to him, let alone look at him. I can always have stand in male figures in my life that don’t live with me, and I do. I don’t have to beg for attention from them and some of them don’t know about my family situation. Not having a father hurts, but not getting that from him doesn’t hurt anymore. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #hurtfeelings #Family

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Time for the inner teenager to heal

My inner child has been getting the attention that she needs, and I’ll continue to do that. The issue at hand is my inner teenager, which was something that I wasn’t fully aware of until some months ago. Her needs are different from the child: the child wants an obscure teddy bear, but the teenager wants the sword to spearhead a rebellion and be the warrior instead of the princess. Both of which I can understand now because parts of me needs them as an adult as I’m finding my way. But as of recently, I can’t get passed this old crush that I had as a teenager on a guy who was a friend that I didn’t like to begin with. I realized that at the time I was looking for safety and something different that I was experiencing at home, and he exhibited that in my mind. The terrible part was that he was playing the field and was a “romantic” of some sort. He wrote poems, he had a lot of female friends, he often spoke of how much he wanted to get married ( while we were in high school). I, among some of my other friends at the time, had fallen into his tactics and it lead to a lot of pain and heartache. I have talked about this in therapy, I’ve grieved in some ways, and today I feel heavy and angry. He didn’t have any remorse about what he did at the time. And to make matters worse, I stayed connected to this guy because of the history we have along with the fear of losing him (my fear of being abandoned by him too). Today, we don’t speak and I am happy that we are no longer friends. He’s married now and I decided to block him on all platforms because I have no desire to talk to him. But as I’ve mentioned, I still feel this heaviness and anger about him and his disposition of treating the girls around him at the time. Has he changed? Who knows. I chalked it up to my need for male acknowledgment and a need to feel wanted in a way I never got from my father. Other than that, take away the words and the niceties, he wasn’t much worth looking at twice. It was more of an obsession than a first love. That I know for sure. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Grief #anger #innerwork #Friends #hurtfeelings

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Well I'm pissed...

I am utterly over this charade of everyone saying they are ok when they are not. Looking at my parent's dysfunctional relationship from the outside has just really made me made at BOTH parties. Not one, but both. The sheer fact that I've seen this man bring my mom down to size so many times that it's disgusting. And it seems like when she does male herself big enough to speak her mind, she shrinks herself down with apologies. At this point, apologies are band-aids. I'm through explaining myself to grown people about my emotional discomfort within the family only to have blame being put back on me or others. It's obvious that I've was asking too much of my step-father to give me emotional support that he couldn't give. And I don't think he could ever give that to my mom either. This is beyond us now. EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY! There's a huge lack of empathy here and I really don't care about how the world views me at this point. If I gotta be the one to break glass ceiling on this, I will. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #hurtfeelings #Family

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It feels like it's the world against me

For the last couple of days it feels like there is an invisible force that is separating me from everyone else. And today, I couldn't hide my anger. First, at home, I found a roach on the ceiling and my mom and I were trying to get rid of it. It ended up getting away somewhere and in the midst of this happening, she says that I'm "useless". I know that she didn't mean it in a demeaning way, but it still hurt. I was hoping to move past it, but I couldn't fight the tears. Then, at work, I can just feel a shift in how other people treated me. Everyone seemed to be cool with each other and they would be short with me. So that, on top of being the odd man out most of the time, I literally couldn't do the "good girl act" anymore. And I'm the type of person where if I'm upset, I won't talk nor will I respond to you. I also notice that when they pick up on that, they will leave me alone or are cautious when I'm around. I'm trying to cool down at the moment, but once I'm at a place of anger or frustration, it's hard for me to come down from that. I'll start hating everything and everyone because of that. It's a bad place to be in, but it feels comfortable after a while. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #hurtfeelings #Hatred #frustration

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Trying not to be envious

Some days I really question what the point is anymore. I try not to be envious or bitter towards others. Especially if the other is family.
I have always felt like the black sheep of the family. Yes i’m very introverted, shy and people sometimes takes my silence for not caring. I have always hated family gatherings because it means i have to be social.
With that being said i’m not sure how to feel or think when i found out my parents, sister and her family are planning a vacation in Alaska. No one asked us if we would be interested or not. This will be the 5th year in a row that they all have vacationed together somewhere other than a local lake. Ya we might not be able to afford it but would of at least like to have been asked.
We moved to where my family is, wife hoped would heal the rift between my family and me, to be closer. After 6 years we are talking about moving back to where her family is. Ya they her family annoys me but at least they make the effort. #angry #CheckInWithMe #bipolardisorder2 #BipolarDisorderII #hurtfeelings


I Had This Dream...

I had this dream that I was abandoned by someone I cared about and he went back to his ex and this is what I’ve been fearing in real life and I woke up with a heavy feeling in my chest and I started freaking out. I feel like I’m losing control of myself and I feel like I’m just losing again. I’m wondering why I’m still here again. I just know that I’m no longer needed. I just know that I’m going to get hurt again. I’m hating myself right now because at this point, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been a good person with a loving heart... I’m just not good enough for anyone. Every man that enters my life always leaves me. Everything just hurts, I feel like my skin is on fire and I want to just sit in bed and cry. I just know that I’m going to get abandoned again, everyone seems to be fine with hurting me as long as they get what they want. #MentalHealth #Depression #abandomentissues #FearOfAbandonment #hurtfeelings

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I don’t understand what I should do? #Relationships #LongDistanceRelationships #hurtfeelings

I’m in a ldr for about 5 years now and we like broke up after 3 years in that and later go together and yesterday my partner told me that she told about my depression and mental health issues to her family. I don’t understand how should I process it. I’ve never told about it to anyone other than her and she told that to her parents and I’m not angry because she said. I feel sad. I trusted her, I understand that she was in a emotionally weak state when we broke up and had to talk to someone but I cannot bear it that she told her family about my mental health condition.
Note: Where we live it’s kind of a taboo having depression and all. I once tried talking to my parents about this but they shouted at me saying I’m not praying to god enough that’s why I’m having such problems. I was sexually abused as a child and I never told anyone this except her. I can’t process what she did. I don’t know how to react to it. I don’t understand what I should do.
#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Depression #Bipolar #severeanxietydisorder


I'm trying to be supportive but I'm hurt too

I'm part of a pretty large choir in my state and have been for a very long time. I invited two friends who are both musically inclined both of which had shown interest in going and both of which were dating and had been for a while to go to our concert. Everything was set up and they were going to go. The concert is today and I woke up this morning to a text telling me that they broke up last night. I was very confused because I had been with them last night and they were the same as ever. The text said that they had been trying to decide if they should get married and they believe that they shouldn't. It sounds like this was a mutual decision and they ended on good terms but now the one who sent me the text isn't coming to the concert. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding but they broke up the night before the concert. They couldn't wait one day! I've been planning on both of them being there for months and I still really wish they would both go even just as friends. I know this is selfish thinking on my part but these kinds of things seem to happen to me all the time and I was hoping just once everything would go right. I'm feeling very hurt. I'm trying not to let it get to me because I still have to get ready and do this concert but that's proving very difficult. All I really want to do is curl up in my bed and forget I even have any friends, they only ever seem to disappoint me. How do I deal with the things that I'm feeling and how do I move past my own anger to be supportive of these people? #hurtfeelings #hurt #Disappointments #Breakups #Friends #help #Tryingtobestrong #Depression

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Losing old friend #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #hurtfeelings

Really struggling these past few day. Had a huge fight with a good friend of 6 years. At the end of us messaging I had apologized and tried to make amends and all I got told was more things I did wrong or okay. It hurts thinking about losing her on top of being mad that all she could do was bash me or say okay to my long heartfelt message with questions. This picture came up on my Facebook memories today and was just what I needed so I thought I would share. Now I have to try to move on without knowing if our friendship is over forever or just till things calm down. I know she is going through some major health things but I still don’t think she needed to make me feel like as much of an ass as she did. How do you move on when your not sure if you should? How do I know if I should just give up on our friendship? Especially since I doubt she will ever realize how she hurt me. So confused hurt and struggling with the at least temporarily if not permanent loss of what I thought was a good friend.