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Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

#Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

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It feels like it's the world against me

For the last couple of days it feels like there is an invisible force that is separating me from everyone else. And today, I couldn't hide my anger. First, at home, I found a roach on the ceiling and my mom and I were trying to get rid of it. It ended up getting away somewhere and in the midst of this happening, she says that I'm "useless". I know that she didn't mean it in a demeaning way, but it still hurt. I was hoping to move past it, but I couldn't fight the tears. Then, at work, I can just feel a shift in how other people treated me. Everyone seemed to be cool with each other and they would be short with me. So that, on top of being the odd man out most of the time, I literally couldn't do the "good girl act" anymore. And I'm the type of person where if I'm upset, I won't talk nor will I respond to you. I also notice that when they pick up on that, they will leave me alone or are cautious when I'm around. I'm trying to cool down at the moment, but once I'm at a place of anger or frustration, it's hard for me to come down from that. I'll start hating everything and everyone because of that. It's a bad place to be in, but it feels comfortable after a while. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #hurtfeelings #Hatred #frustration

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Currently..... I

Currently, I Feel Like A Failure. I Feel Like A Loser. I Feel Like Nothing I Do Is Right, I Feel Like A Fuck Up, I Feel Like The World Is Against Me. Recently (Today) I Was Reminded Of All My Shortcomings, All My Mistakes. Thrown In My Face, I Feel Like The Villian, The Bad Guy (As Always), And I Know I’ve Made So Much Progress, I’ve Improved In So Many Areas And Aspects Of Myself But Somehow I Cannot Shake The Fact That Nobody Cares. That Every Single Thing I Do Is Meaningless. That No Matter What I Do, If I Do Not Meet The Standards Of Societies Definition Of Success Or What Is ‘Normal’ Than I Must Be A Loser. A Failure, A Waste Of Space. And It Could Possibly Be My Depression Talking But I Cannot Win For Losing And I’m Tired, Exhausted, Feeling Defeated And It Leads Me To Self Destruction. Like Why Should I Give A Single Fuck About Anything Or Anyone On The Planet. I Just Don’t Know. For As Many Wins As I Have Achieved Over These Past Few Months I Have Suffered Twice, If Not Infinite Amount Of Loses. And I’m Just Tired. I Wanna Give In, I Wanna Become A Beast And Cause Just As Much Hurt And Pain That I’ve Experienced My Entire Existence. When Is My Time To Be Unregrettably Happy? When Will I Be Able To Live. #Depression #TheDarknessIs MyOnlyFriend #Anxiety #selfloathing #anger #Hatred #Rage #DisdainForThisExistence


The mistress ##Hatred ##why ##ItsABoy

I guess the right way to feel would be, ‘better her than me!’ I’m assuming I should say, “I dodged a bullet.” The proper thing would to thank the other women. I do find it quite amusing that she’s reaping what she sews. I am proud of karma for finally seeing my point of view. She’s just a poor mans nickey.
So why do I feel she took my life? And that the bullet hit way to close to home? I don’t want to thank her, I want her to feel my pain! Fuck her sewing skills, she deserves to shred. And karma??? Where the hell have you been?? I want my life back...